"THERE  NEVER  WAS  ANY  MOUSE  HERE."      [Page  129. 


THE   MOUSE-TRAP 


AND   OTHER   FARCES 


BY 
W.      D.      HOW  ELLS 

AUTHOR  OF 
"APRIL  HOPES"  "ANNIE  KILBURN"  ETC. 


ILLUSTRATED 


HARPER    &    BROTHERS    PUBLISHERS 

NEW  YORK  AND   LONDON 

1909 


Copyright,  1889,  by  WILLIAM  DEAN  HOWBLLS. 

All  rifhts  reserved 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

"""THE  GARROTERS  . 1 

'    FIVE-O'CLOCK  TEA 43 

THE  MOUSE-TRAP 77 

>•    A  LIKELY  STORY 107 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


"THERE  NEVER  WAS  ANY  MOUSE  HERE" Frontispiece 

"WHY,  EDWARD,  WHAT  IN  THE  WORLD  IS  THE  MATTER?"  Facing  p.       4 

"I'VE  JUST  BEEN  ROBBED!" "        18 

SHE  LOOKS  FONDLY  UP  INTO  THE  FACE  OF  HER  HUSBAND 

FOR   APPROVAL "            30 

"WILL   YOU   ANSWER   MY   QUESTION,    AMY?"          ....  "            60 
MRS.   SOMERS,   POURING  A  CUP  OF  TEA:   "THAT  MAKES  IT 

A   LITTLE    MORE    DIFFICULT" "            64 

"WHAT  is  IT?    WHAT  is  IT?" "        88 

"THE  MOST  EXCITING  PART"  "      110 


THE    GARROTERS 


THE    GARROTERS 


PART  FIRST 


MKS.  ROBERTS;    THEN  MR.  ROBERTS 

AT  the  window  of  her  apartment  in  Hotel  Belling- 
ham,  Mrs.  Roberts  stands  looking  out  into  the  early 
nightfall.  A  heavy  snow  is  driving  without,  and  from 
time  to  time  the  rush  of  the  wind  and  the  sweep  of  the 
flakes  against  the  panes  are  heard.  At  the  sound  of 
hurried  steps  in  the  anteroom,  Mrs.  Eoberts  turns  from 
the  window  and  runs  to  the  portiere,  through  which  she 
puts  her  head. 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Is  that  you,  Edward?  So  dark 
here!  We  ought  really  to  keep  the  gas  turned  up  all 
the  time." 

Mr.  Roberts,  in  a  muffled  voice,  from  without :  "  Yes, 
it's  I." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Well,  hurry  in  to  the  fire,  do!  Ugh, 
what  a  storm !  Do  you  suppose  anybody  will  come  ? 
You  must  be  half  frozen,  you  poor  thing !  Come  quick, 
or  you'll  certainly  perish  !"  She  flies  from  the  portiere 
to  the  fire  burning  on  the  hearth,  pokes  it,  flings  on  a 
log,  jumps  back,  brushes  from  her  dress  with  a  light 

shriek  the  sparks  driven  out  upon  it,  and  continues  talk- 

3 


ing  incessantly  in  a  voice  lifted  for  her  husband  to  hear 
in  the  anteroom.  "  If  I'd  dreamed  it  was  any  such 
storm  as  this,  I  should  never  have  let  you  go  out  in  it 
in  the  world.  It  wasn't  at  all  necessary  to  have  the 
flowers.  I  could  have  got  on  perfectly  well,  and  I  be 
lieve  now  the  table  would  look  better  without  them. 
The  chrysanthemums  would  have  been  quite  enough; 
and  I  know  you've  taken  more  cold.  I  could  tell  it 
by  your  voice  as  soon  as  you  spoke;  and  just  as  quick 
as  they're  gone  to-night  I'm  going  to  have  you  bathe 
your  feet  in  mustard  and  hot  water,  and  take  eight  of 
aconite,  and  go  straight  to  bed.  And  I  don't  want  you 
to  eat  very  much  at  dinner,  dear,  and  you  must  be  sure 
not  to  drink  any  coffee,  or  the  aconite  won't  be  of  the 
least  use."  She  turns  and  encounters  her  husband,  who 
enters  through  the  portiere,  his  face  pale,  his  eyes  wild, 
his  white  necktie  pulled  out  of  knot,  and  his  shirt-front 
rumpled.  "  Why,  Edward,  what  in  the  world  is  the 
matter  ?  What  has  happened  ?" 

Roberts,  sinking  into  a  chair :  "  Get  me  a  glass  of 
water,  Agnes — wine— Lwhiskey — brandy — ' 

Mrs.  Roberts,  bustling  wildly  about :  "  Yes,  yes.  But 
what —  Bella !  Bridget !  Maggy ! — Oh,  I'll  go  for  it  my 
self,  and  I  won't  stop  to  listen  !  Only — only  don't  die  !" 
While  Roberts  remains  with  his  eyes  shut,  and  his  head 
sunk  on  his  breast  in  token  of  extreme  exhaustion,  she 
disappears  and  reappears  through  the  door  leading  to 
her  chamber,  and  then  through  the  portiere  cutting  off 
the  dining-room.  She  finally  descends  upon  her  hus 
band  with  a  flagon  of  cologne  in  one  hand,  a  small  de 
canter  of  brandy  in  the  other,  and  a  wine-glass  held 
in  the  hollow  of  her  arm  against  her  breast.  She  con 
trives  to  set  the  glass  down  on  the  mantel  and  fill  it 
from  the  flagon ;  then  she  turns  with  the  decanter  in  her 

hand,  and  while  she  presses  the  glass  to  her  husband's 

4 


"WHY,  EDWARD,   WHAT    IX    THE    WORLD    IS    THE    MATTER?" 


THE    GARROTERS 

lips  begins  to  pour  the  brandy  on  his  head.  "  Here ! 
this  will  revive  you,  and  it  '11  refresh  you  to  have  this 
cologne  on  your  head." 

Roberts,  rejecting  a  mouthful  of  the  cologne  with 
a  furious  sputter  and  springing  to  his  feet :  "  Why, 
you've  given  me  the  cologne  to  drink,  Agnes!  What 
are  you  about  ?  Do  you  want  to  poison  me  ?  Isn't  it 
enough  to  be  robbed  at  six  o'clock  on  the  Common  with 
out  having  your  head  soaked  in  brandy  and  your  whole 
system  scented  up  like  a  barber's  shop  when  you  get 
home?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Robbed  ?"  She  drops  the  wine-glass, 
puts  the  decanter  down  on  the  hearth,  and,  carefully  be 
stowing  the  flagon  of  cologne  in  the  wood-box,  abandons 
herself  to  justice.  "  Then  let  them  come  for  me  at 
once,  Edward!  If  I  could  have  the  heart  to  send  you 
out  in  such  a  night  as  this  for  a  few  wretched  rose 
buds,  I'm  quite  equal  to  poisoning  you.  Oh,  Edward, 
who  robbed  you  ?" 

Roberts:  "That's  what  I  don't  know."  He  con 
tinues  to  wipe  his  head  with  his  handkerchief  and  to 
sputter  a  little  from  time  to  time.  "  All  I  know  is  that 
when  I  got — phew! — to  that  dark  spot  by  the  Frog 
Pond,  just  by — phew! — that  little  group  of — phew! — 
evergreens,  you  know — phew ! — ' 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Yes,  yes ;  go  on !  I  can  bear  it,  Ed 
ward." 

Roberts:  "  — a  man  brushed  heavily  against  me,  and 
then  hurried  on  in  the  other  direction.  I  had  unbut 
toned  my  coat  to  look  at  my  watch  under  the  lamp-post, 
and  after  he  struck  against  me  I  clapped  my  hand  to 
my  waistcoat  and — phew ! — >: 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Waistcoat !    Yes !" 

Roberts:  " — found  my  watch  gone." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "What!     Your  watch?     The  watch 

5 


THE    GARKOTEKS 

Willis  gave  you  ?  Made  out  of  the  gold  that  he  mined 
himself  when  he  first  went  out  to  California?  Don't 
ask  me  to  believe  it,  Edward !  But  I'm  only  too  glad 
that  you  escaped  with  your  life.  Let  them  have  the 
watch  and  welcome.  Oh,  my  dear,  dear  husband !"  She 
approaches  him  with  extended  arms,  and  then  suddenly 
arrests  herself.  "  But  you've  got  it  on !" 

Roberts,  with  as  much  returning  dignity  as  can  com 
port  with  his  dishevelled  appearance :  "  Yes ;  I  took  it 
from  him."  At  his  wife's  speechless  astonishment:  "  I 
went  after  him  and  took  it  from  him."  He  sits  down 
and  continues,  with  resolute  calm,  while  his  wife  re 
mains  standing  before  him  motionless :  "  Agnes,  I  don't 
know  how  I  came  to  do  it.  I  wouldn't  have  believed 
I  could  do  it.  I've  never  thought  that  I  had  much  cour 
age — physical  courage;  but  when  I  felt  my  watch  was 
gone  a  sort  of  frenzy  came  over  me.  I  wasn't  hurt ;  and 
for  the  first  time  in  my  life  I  realized  what  an  abom 
inable  outrage  theft  was.  The  thought  that  at  six 
o'clock  in  the  evening,  in  the  very  heart  of  a  great 
city  like  Boston,  an  inoffensive  citizen  could  be  as 
saulted  and  robbed  made  me  furious.  I  didn't  call 
out.  I  simply  buttoned  my  coat  tight  round  me  and 
turned  and  ran  after  the  fellow." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Edward!" 

Roberts:  "Yes,  I  did.  He  hadn't  got  half  a  dozen 
rods  away — it  all  took  place  in  a  flash — and  I  could 
easily  run  him  down.  He  was  considerablv  larger  than 
I—" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Oh!" 

Roberts:  "  — and  he  looked  young  and  very  athletic; 
but  these  things  didn't  seem  to  make  anv  impression  on 
me." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Oh,  I  wonder  that  you  live  to  tell  the 

tale,  Edward !'' 

6 


THE    GAKKOTEKS 

Roberts:  "  Well,  I  wonder  a  little  at  myself.  I  don't 
set  tip  for  a  great  deal  of— 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  But  I  always  knew  you  had  it!  Go 
on.  Oh,  when  I  tell  Willis  of  this !  Had  the  robber 
any  accomplices  ?  Were  there  many  of  them  ?" 

Roberts:  "  I  only  saw  one.  And  I  saw  that  my  only 
chance  was  to  take  him  at  a  disadvantage.  I  sprang 
upon  him,  and  pulled  him  over  on  his  back.  I  merely 
said,  '  I'll  trouble  you  for  that  watch  of  mine,  if  you 
please,'  jerked  open  his  coat,  snatched  the  watch  from 
his  pocket — I  broke  the  chain,  I  see — and  then  left  him 
and  ran  again.  He  didn't  make  the  slightest  resistance 
nor  utter  a  word.  Of  course  it  wouldn't  do  for  him  to 
make  any  noise  about  it,  and  I  dare  say  he  was  glad  to 
get  off  so  easily."  With  'affected  nonchalance :  "  I'm 
pretty  badly  rumpled,  I  see.  He  fell  against  me,  and 
a  scuffle  like  that  doesn't  improve  one's  appearance." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  very  solemnly :  "  Edward !  I  don't 
know  what  to  say!  Of  course  it  makes  my  blood  run 
cold  to  realize  what  you  have  been  through,  and  to  think 
what  might  have  happened;  but  I  think  you  behaved 
splendidly.  Why,  I  never  heard  of  such  perfect  hero 
ism  !  You  needn't  tell  me  that  he  made  no  resistance. 
There  was  a  deadly  struggle — your  necktie  and  every 
thing  about  you  shows  it.  And  you  needn't  think  there 
was  only  one  of  them — " 

Roberts,  modestly :  "  I  don't  believe  there  was  more." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Nonsense!  There  are  always  two  I 
I've  read  the  accounts  of  those  garrotings.  And  to 
think  you  not  only  got  out  of  their  clutches  alive,  but 
got  your  property  back — Willis'  watch !  Oh,  what  will 
Willis  say?  But  I  know  how  proud  of  you  he'll  be. 
Oh,  I  wish  I  could  scream  it  from  the  house-tops.  Why 
didn't  you  call  the  police  ?" 

Roberts:  "I  didn't  think— I  hadn't  time  to  think." 

7 


THE    GAKKOTEKS 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  !No  matter.  I'm  glad  you  have 
all  the  glory  of  it.  I  don't  believe  you  half  realize 
what  you've  been  through  now.  And  perhaps  this  was 
the  robbers'  first  attempt,  and  it  will  be  a  lesson  to  them. 
Oh  yes !  I'm  glad  you  let  them  escape,  Edward.  They 
may  have  families.  If  every  one  behaved  as  you've 
done  there  would  soon  be  an  end  of  garroting.  But, 
oh !  I  can't  bear  to  think  of  the  danger  you've  run.  And 
I  want  you  to  promise  me  never,  never  to  undertake 
such  a  thing  again !" 

Roberts:  "  Well,  I  don't  know—" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Yes,  yes;  you  must!  Suppose  you 
had  got  killed  in  that  awful  struggle  with  those  reckless 
wretches  tugging  to  get  away  from  you !  Think  of  the 
children !  Why,  you  might  have  burst  a  blood-vessel ! 
Will  you  promise,  Edward  ?  Promise  this  instant,  on 
your  bended  knees,  just  as  if  you  were  in  a  court  of 
justice!"  Mrs.  Roberts'  excitement  mounts,  and  she 
flings  herself  at  her  husband's  feet  and  pulls  his  face 
down  to  hers  with  the  arm  she  has  thrown  about  his 
neck.  "  Will  you  promise  ?" 


n 

MRS.  CRASHAW;  MR.  AND  MRS.  ROBERTS. 

Mrs.  Crashaw,  entering  unobserved :  "  Promise  you 
what,  Agnes  ?  The  man  doesn't  smoke  now.  What 
more  can  you  ask  ?"  She  starts  back  from  the  spectacle 
of  Roberts'  disordered  dress.  "  Why,  what's  happened 
to  you,  Edward  3" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  springing  to  her  feet :  "  Oh,  you  may 
well  ask  that,  Aunt  Mary !  Happened  ?  You  ought  to 
fall  down  and  worship  him !  And  you  will  when  you 
know  what  he's  been  through.  He's  been  robbed !" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Robbed  ?  What  nonsense !  Who 
robbed  him  ?  Where  was  he  robbed  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  He  was  attacked  by  two  garroters — " 

Roberts:  "No,  no—" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Don't  speak,  Edward!  I  know  there 
were  two.  On  the  Common.  Not  half  an  hour  ago. 
As  he  was  going  to  get  me  some  rosebuds.  In  the  midst 
of  this  terrible  storm." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Is  this  true,  Edward  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Don't  answer,  Edward!  One  of  the 
band  threw  his  arm  round  Edward's  neck — so."  She 
illustrates  by  garroting  Mrs.  Crashaw,  who  disengages 
herself  with  difficulty. 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Mercy,  child !  What  are  you  doing 
to  my  lace  ?" 

Mrs.    Roberts:  "And   the   other   one   snatched   his 

watch  and  ran  as  fast  as  he  could." 

9 


THE    GARKOTEES 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "Willis'  watch?  Why,  he's  got  it 
on!" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  with  proud  delight :  "  Exactly  what 
I  said  when  he  told  me."  Then,  very  solemnly :  "  And 
do  you  know  why  he's  got  it  on? — 'Sh,  Edward!  I 
will  tell !  Because  he  ran  after  them  and  took  it  back 
again." 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  Why,  they  might  have  killed  him !" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Of  course  they  might.  But  Edward 
didn't  care.  The  idea  of  being  robbed  at  six  o'clock  on 
the  Common  made  him  so  furious  that  he  scorned  to 
cry  out  for  help,  or  call  the  police,  or  anything ;  but  he 
just  ran  after  them — 

Roberts:  "Agnes!  Agnes!     There  was  only  one." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Nonsense,  Edward !  How  could  you 
tell,  so  excited  as  you  were  ? — And  caught  hold  of  the 
largest  of  the  wretches — a  perfect  young  giant — 

Roberts:  "  No,  no;  not  a  giant,  my  dear." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Well,  he  was  young,  anyway  I — And 
flung  him  on  the  ground."  She  advances  upon  Mrs. 
Crashaw  in  her  enthusiasm. 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Don't  you  fling  me  on  the  ground, 
Agnes !  I  won't  have  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  And  tore  his  coat  open,  while  all  the 
rest  were  tugging  at  him,  and  snatched  his  watch,  and 
then — and  then  just  walked  coolly  away." 

Roberts:  "  No,  my  dear;  I  ran  as  fast  as  I  could." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Well,  ran.  It's  quite  the  same  thing, 
and  I'm  just  as  proud  of  you  as  if  you  had  walked.  Of 
course  you  were  not  going  to  throw  your  life  away." 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  I  think  he  did  a  very  silly  thing  in 
going  after  them  at  all." 

Roberts:  "  Why,  of  course,  if  I'd  thought  twice  about 
it,  I  shouldn't  have  done  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Of  course  you  wouldn't,  dear!  And 

10 


THE    GAKROTERS 

that's  what  I  want  him  to  promise,  Aunt  Mary:  never 
to  do  it  again,  no  matter  how  much  he's  provoked.  I 
want  him  to  promise  it  right  here  in  your  presence, 
Aunt  Mary  !" 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  I  think  it's  much  more  important 
he  should  put  on  another  collar  and  —  shirt,  if  he's  go 
ing  to  see  company." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Yes;  go  right  off  at  once,  Edward. 
How  you  do  think  of  things,  Aunt  Mary!  I  really 
suppose  I  should  have  gone  on  all  night  and  never  no 
ticed  his  looks.  Kun,  Edward,  and  do  it,  dear.  But— 
kiss  me  first!  Oh,  it  don't  seem  as  if  you  could  be 
alive  and  well  after  it  all!  Are  you  sure  you're  not 
hurt?" 

Roberts,  embracing  her  :  "  No  ;  I'm  all  right." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  you're  not  injured  internally'? 
Sometimes  they're  injured  internally  —  aren't  they,  Aunt 
?  —  and  it  doesn't  show  till  months  afterward.    Are 


you  sure  ?" 

Roberts,  making  a  cursory  examination  of  his  ribs 
with  his  hands  :  "  Yes,  I  think  so." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  you  don't  feel  any  bad  effects 
from  the  cologne  now  ?  Just  think,  Aunt  Mary,  I  gave 
him  cologne  to  drink,  and  poured  the  brandy  on  his 
head  when  he  came  in  !  But  I  was  determined  to  keep 
calm,  whatever  I  did.  And  if  I've  poisoned  him  I'm 
quite  willing  to  die  for  it  —  oh,  quite  !  I  would  gladly 
take  the  blame  of  it  before  the  whole  world." 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "Well,  for  pity's  sake,  let  the  man 
go  and  make  himself  decent.  There's  your  bell  now." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Yes,  do  go,  Edward.  But  —  kiss 
me—" 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  He  did  kiss  you,  'Agnes.  Don't  be 
a  simpleton  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Did  he  ?  Well,  kiss  me  again,  then, 

11 


THE    GAKKOTEKS 

Edward.  And  now  do  go,  dear.  M-m-m-m."  The  in 
articulate  endearments  represented  by  these  signs  ter 
minate  in  a  wild  embrace,  protracted  half-way  across  the 
room,  in  the  height  of  which  Mr.  Willis  Campbell  en 
ters. 


Ill 


MR.  CAMPBELL,  MRS.  CRASHAW,  MR.  AND  MRS. 
ROBERTS 

Willis,  pausing  in  contemplation :  "  Hello !  What's 
the  matter  ?  What's  she  trying  to  get  out  of  you,  Rob 
erts  ?  Don't  you  do  it,  anyway,  old  fellow." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  in  as  ecstasy  of  satisfaction :  "  Willis ! 
Oh,  you've  come  in  time  to  see  him  just  as  he  is.  Look 
at  him,  Willis!"  In  the  excess  of  her  emotion  she 
twitches  her  husband  about,  and  with  his  arm  fast  in 
her  clutch  presents  him  in  the  disadvantageous  effect 
of  having  just  been  taken  into  custody.  Under  these 
circumstances  Roberts'  attempt  at  an  expression  of  dif 
fident  heroism  fails ;  he  looks  sneaking,  he  looks  guilty, 
and  his  eyes  fall  under  the  astonished  regard  of  his 
brother-in-law. 

Willis:  "What's  the  matter  with  him?  What's  he 
been  doing  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  'Sh,  Edward !— What's  he  been  do 
ing  ?  What  does  he  look  as  if  he  had  been  doing  ?" 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  Agnes — " 

Willis:  "  He  looks  as  if  he  had  been  signing  the 
pledge.  And  he — smells  like  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "For  shame,  Willis!  I  should  think 
you'd  sink  through  the  floor.  Edward,  not  a  word !  I 
am  ashamed  of  him,  if  he  is  my  brother." 

'Willis:  "Why,  what  in  the  world's  up,  Agnes?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Up?  He's  been  robbed! — robbed 

13 


THE    GARROTERS 

on  the  Common  not  five  minutes  ago !  A  whole  gang  of 
garroters  surrounded  him  under  the  Old  Elm — or  just 
where  it  used  to  be — and  took  his  watch  away !  And  he 
ran  after  them,  and  knocked  the  largest  of  the  gang 
down,  and  took  it  back  again.  He  wasn't  hurt,  but  we're 
afraid  he's  been  injured  internally ;  he  may  be  bleeding 
internally  now —  Oh,  do  you  think  he  is,  Willis? 
Don't  you  think  we  ought  to  send  for  a  physician? — 
That,  and  the  cologne  I  gave  him  to  drink.  It's  the 
brandy  I  poured  on  his  head  makes  him  smell  so.  And 
he  all  so  exhausted  he  couldn't  speak,  and  I  didn't 
know  what  I  was  doing,  either;  but  he's  promised— 
oh  yes,  he's  promised! — never,  never  to  do  it  again." 
She  again  flings  her  arms  about  her  husband,  and  then 
turns  proudly  to  her  brother. 

Willis:  "  Do  you  know  what  it  means,  Aunt  Mary  ?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Not  in  the  least !  But  I've  no  doubt 
Edward  can  explain,  after  he's  changed  his  linen— 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Oh  yes,  do  go,  Edward!  Not  but 
what  I  should  be  proud  and  happy  to  have  you  appear 
just  as  you  are  before  the  whole  world,  if  it  was  only 
to  put  Willis  down  with  his  jokes  about  your  absent- 
mindedness,  and  his  boasts  about  those  California  des 
peradoes  of  his." 

Roberts:  "Come,  come,  Agnes!  I  must  protest 
against  your — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Oh,  I  know  it  doesn't  become  me  to 
praise  your  courage,  darling!  But  I  should  like  to 
know  what  Willis  would  have  done,  with  all  his  Cali 
fornia  experience,  if  a  garroter  had  taken  his  watch  ?" 

Willis:  "  I  should  have  let  him  keep  it,  and  pay  five 
dollars  a  quarter  himself  for  getting  it  cleaned  and 
spoiled.  Anybody  but  a  literary  man  would.  How 
many  of  them  were  there,  Koberts  ?" 

Roberts:  "  I  only  saw  one." 

14 


THE    GARROTERS 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "But  of  course  there  were  more. 
How  could  he  tell  in  the  dark  and  excitement?  And 
the  one  he  did  see  was  a  perfect  giant ;  so  you  can  im 
agine  what  the  rest  must  have  been  like." 

Willis :  "  Did  you  really  knock  him  down  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Knock  him  down?  Of  course  he 
did." 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  Agnes,  will  you  hold  your  tongue 
and  let  the  men  alone  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts,,  whimpering :  "  I  can't,  Aunt  Mary. 
And  you  couldn't  if  it  was  yours." 

Roberts:  "  I  pulled  him  over  backward." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  There,  Willis!" 

Willis:  "And  grabbed  your  watch  from  him?" 

Roberts:  "I  was  in  quite  a  frenzy;  I  really  hardly 
knew  what  I  was  doing — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  he  didn't  call  for  the  police, 
or  anything — " 

Willis :  "  Ah,  that  showed  presence  of  mind !  He 
knew  it  wouldn't  have  been  any  use." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  And  when  he  had  got  his  watch  away 
from  them  he  just  let  them  go  because  they  had  fam 
ilies  dependent  on  them." 

Willis:  "  I  should  have  let  them  go  in  the  first  place ; 
but  you  behaved  handsomely  in  the  end,  Roberts ;  there's 
no  denying  that.  And  when  you  came  in  she  gave  you 
cologne  to  drink,  and  poured  brandy  on  your  head.  It 
must  have  revived  you.  I  should  think  it  would  wake 
the  dead." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  I  was  all  excitement,  Willis — " 

Willis:  "  !N"o,  I  should  think  from  the  fact  that  you 
had  set  the  decanter  here  on  the  hearth,  and  put  your 
cologne  into  the  wood-box,  you  were  perfectly  calm, 
Agnes."  He  takes  them  up  and  hands  them  to  her. 

"  Quite  as  calm  as  usual."    The  door-bell  rings. 

15 


THE    GARROTERS 

'Mrs.  CrasJiaw:  "Willis,  will  you  let  that  ridiculous 
man  go  away  and  make  himself  presentable  before  peo 
ple  begin  to  come  ?"  The  bell  rings  violently,  peal  upon 
peal. 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Oh,  my  goodness,  what's  that?  It's 
the  garroters — I  know  it  is;  and  we  shall  all  be  mur 
dered  in  our  beds !" 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  What  in  the  world  can  it— 
Willis:  "Why  don't  your  girl  answer  the  bell,  Ag 
nes?     Or  I'll  go  myself."     The  bell  rings  violently 
again. 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  No,  Willis,  you  sha'n't !  Don't  leave 
me,  Edward !  Aunt  Mary ! — Oh,  if  we  must  die,  let  us 
all  die  together !  Oh,  my  poor  children !  Ugh  !  What's 
that?"  The  servant-maid  opens  the  outer  door,  and 
uttering  a  shriek  rushes  in  through  the  drawing-room 
portiere. 

Bella,  the  Maid:  "  Oh,  my  goodness!  Mrs.  Koberts, 
it's  Mr.  Bemis!" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Which  Mr.  Bemis?" 
Roberts:  "What's  the  matter  with  him?" 
Mrs.  CrasJiaw:  "  Why  doesn't  she  show  him  in?" 
'Willis:  "  Has  he  been  garroting  somebody,  too?" 


IV 


ME.  BEMIS,  ME.  CAMPBELL,  ME.  AND  MES. 
EOBEETS 

Bemis,  appearing  through  the  portiere :  "  I — I  beg 
your  pardon,  Mrs.  Roberts.  I  oughtn't  to  present  my 
self  in  this  state — I —  But  I  thought  I'd  better  stop 
on  my  way  home  and  report,  so  that  my  son  needn't  be 
alarmed  at  my  absence  when  he  comes.  I — "  He  stops, 
exhausted,  and  regards  the  others  with  a  wild  stare, 
while  they  stand  taking  note  of  his  disordered  coat, 
his  torn  vest,  and  his  tumbled  hat.  "I've  just  been 
robbed—" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Robbed?  Why,  Edward  has  been 
robbed,  too." 

Bemis:  " — coming  through  the  Common — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "'Yes,  Edward  was  coming  through 
the  Common." 

Bemis:  "  — of  my  watch — " 

Mrs.  Roberts,,  in  rapturous  admiration  of  the  coin 
cidence  :  "  Oh,  and  it  was  Edward's  watch  they  took !" 

Willis :  "  It's  a  parallel  case,  Agnes.  Pour  him  out 
a  glass  of  cologne  to  drink,  and  rub  his  head  with 
brandy.  And  you  might  let  him  sit  down  and  rest  while 
you're  enjoying  the  excitement." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  in  hospitable  remorse :  "  Oh,  what  am 
I  thinking  of !  Here,  Edward — or  no,  you're  too  weak, 
you  mustn't.  Willis,  you  help  me  to  help  him  to  the 
sofa." 

2  17 


, 


THE    GAKKOTEES 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  I  think  you'd  better  help  him  off 
with  his  overcoat  and  his  arctics."  To  the  maid: 
"  Here,  Bella,  if  you  haven't  quite  taken  leave  of  your 
wits,  undo  his  shoes." 

Roberts:  "  I'll  help  him  off  with  his  coat — 

Bemis:  "Careful!  careful!  I  may  be  injured  in 
ternally." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Oh,  if  you  only  were.,  Mr.  Bemis, 
perhaps  I  could  persuade  Edward  that  he  was,  too:  I 
know  he  is.  Edward,  don't  exert  yourself!  Aunt 
Mary,  will  you  stop  him,  or  do  you  all  wish  to  see 
me  go  distracted  here  before  your  eyes ?" 

Willis,  examining  the  overcoat  which  Roberts  has 
removed :  "  Well,  you  won't  have  much  trouble  button 
ing  and  unbuttoning  this  coat  for  the  present." 

Bemis:  "  They  tore  it  open,  and  tore  my  watch  from 
my  vest-pocket— 

Willis,  looking  at  the  vest :  "  I  see.'  Pretty  lively 
work.  Were  there  many  of  them  ?" 

Bemis:  "  There  must  have  been  two,  at  least — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  There  were  half  a  dozen  in  the  gang 
that  attacked  Edward." 

Bemis:  "One  of  them  pulled  me  violently  over  on 
my  back — 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Edward's  put  his  arm  round  his 
neck  and  choked  him." 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "Agnes!" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  I  Tcnow  he  did,  Aunt  Mary." 

Bemis:  "  And  the  other  tore  my  watch  out  of  my 
pocket." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Edward's— 

Mrs.  Crasliaw :  "  Agnes,  I'm  thoroughly  ashamed  of 
you.  Will  you  stop  interrupting  ?" 

Bemis :  "  And  left  me  lying  in  the  snow." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  then  he  ran  after  them,  and 

18 


I 


I  VE    JUST    BEEN    ROBBED  ! 


THE    GARROTERS 

snatched  his  watch  away  again  in  spite  of  them  all; 
and  he  didn't  call  for  the  police,  or  anything,  because 
it  was  their  first  offence,  and  he  couldn't  bear  to  think 
of  their  suffering  families." 

Bemis,  with  a  stare  of  profound  astonishment: 
"  Who  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Edward.  Didn't  I  say  Edward  all 
the  time?" 

Bemis:  "I  thought  you  meant  me.  I  didn't  think 
of  pursuing  them;  but  you  may  be  very  sure  that  if 
there  had  been  a  policeman  within  call — of  course  there 
wasn't  one  within  cannon-shot — I  should  have  handed 
the  scoundrels  over  without  the  slightest  remorse." 

Roberts:  "  Oh !"  He  sinks  into  a  chair  with  a  slight 
groan. 

Willis:  "What  is  it?" 

Roberts:  "'Sh!  Don't  say  anything.  But  —  stay 
here.  I  want  to  speak  with  you,  Willis." 

Bemis,  with  mounting  wrath :  "  I  should  not  have 
hesitated  an  instant  to  give  the  rascal  in  charge,  no 
matter  wJio  was  dependent  upon  him — no  matter  if 
he  were  my  dearest  friend,  my  own  brother." 

Roberts,  under  his  breath :  "  Gracious  powers !" 

Bemis :  "  And  while  I  am  very  sorry  to  disagree  with 
Mr.  Roberts,  I  can't  help  feeling  that  he  made  a  great 
mistake  in  allowing  the  ruffians  to  escape." 

Mrs.  Crasliaiv,  with  severity :  "  I  think  you  are  quite 
right,  Mr.  Bemis." 

Bemis :  "  Probably  it  was  the  same  gang  attacked  us 
both.  After  escaping  from  Mr.  Roberts  they  fell  upon 
me." 

Mrs.  Crasliaw :  "  I  haven't  a  doubt  of  it." 

Roberts,  sotto  voce  to  his  brother-in-law :  "  I  think 
I'll  ask  you  to  go  with  me  to  my  room,  Willis.  Don't 
alarm  Agnes,  please.  I — I  feel  quite  faint." 

19 


THE    GARROTERS 

Mrs.  Roberts,  crestfallen :  "  I  can't  feel  that  Edward 
was  to  blame.  Ed—  Oh,  I  suppose  he's  gone  off  to 
make  himself  presentable.  But  Willis —  Where's  Wil 
lis,  Aunt  Mary  ?" 

Mrs.  CrasTiaw :  "  Probably  gone  with  him  to  help 
him." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Oh,  he  saw  how  unstrung  poor  Ed 
ward  was !  Mr.  Bemis,  I  think  you're  quite  prejudiced. 
How  could  Edward  help  their  escaping  ?  I  think  it  was 
quite  enough  for  him,  single-handed,  to  get  his  watch 
back."  A  ring  at  the  door,  and  then  a  number  of  voices 
in  the  anteroom.  "  I  do  believe  they're  all  there !  I'll 
just  run  out  and  prepare  your  son.  He  would  be  dread 
fully  shocked  if  he  came  right  in  upon  you."  She  runs 
into  the  anteroom  and  is  heard  without :  "  Oh,  Doctor 
Lawton !  Oh,  Lou  dear !  Oh,  Mr.  Bemis !  How  can  I 
ever  tell  you?  Your  poor  father!  No,  no,  I  can't  tell 
you!  You  mustn't  ask  me!  It's  too  hideous!  And 
you  wouldn't  believe  me  if  I  did." 

Chorus  of  anguished  voices:  "What?  what?  what?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "They've  been  robbed!  Garroted  on 
the  Common !  And  oh,  Doctor  Lawton,  I'm  so  glad 
you've  come!  They're  both  injured  internally,  but 
I  wish  you'd  look  at  Edward  first." 

Bemis:  "  Good  Heavens !  Is  that  Mrs.  Roberts'  idea 
of  preparing  my  son  ?  And  his  poor  young  wife !"  He 
addresses  his  demand  to  Mrs.  Crashaw,  who  lifts  the 
hands  of  impotent  despair. 


PART  SECOND 
MR.  ROBERTS;  MR.  CAMPBELL 

IN  Mr.  Roberts'  dressing  -  room  that  gentleman  is 
discovered  tragically  confronting  Mr.  Willis  Campbell 
with,  a  watch  uplifted  in  either  hand. 

Willis:  "Well?" 

Roberts,  gasping:  "  My — my  watch !" 

Willis:  "  Yes.    How  comes  there  to  be  two  of  it  ?" 

Roberts:  "  Don't  yon  understand  ?  When  I  went  out 
I — didn't  take  my  watch — with  me.  I  left  it  here  on 
my  bureau." 

Willis:  "Well?" 

Roberts:  "  Oh,  merciful  Heavens!  Don't  you  see? 
Then  I  couldn't  have  been  robbed !" 

Willis:  "Well,  but  whose  watch  did  you  take  from 
the  fellow  that  didn't  rob  you,  then  ?" 

Roberts:  "His  own!"  He  abandons  himself  power- 
lessly  upon  a  chair.  "  Yes ;  I  left  my  own  watch  here, 
and  when  that  person  brushed  against  me  in  the  Com 
mon,  I  missed  it  for  the  first  time.  I  supposed  he 
had  robbed  me  and  ran  after  him,  and — " 

Willis:  "  Robbed  him!" 

Roberts:  "Yes." 

Willis:  "Ah,  ha,  ha,  ha!  I,  hi,  hi,  hi.  O,  ho,  ho, 
ho!"  He  yields  to  a  series  of  these  gusts  and  parox 
ysms,  bowing  up  and  down  and  stamping  to  and  fro,  and 
finally  sits  down  exhausted  and  wipes  the  tears  from 
his  cheeks.  "  Really,  this  thing  will  kill  me.  What 

are  you  going  to  do  about  it,  Roberts  ?" 

21 


THE    GARROTERS 

Roberts,  with  profound  dejection  and  abysmal  solem 
nity  :  "  I  don't  know,  Willis.  Don't  you  see  that  it  must 
have  been — that  I  must  have  robbed — Mr.  Bemis  ?" 

Willis:  "Bemis!"  After  a  moment  for  tasting  the 
fact.  "  Why,  so  it  was !  Oh,  Lord !  oh,  Lord !  And 
was  poor  old  Bemis  that  burly  ruffian  ?  that  blood 
thirsty  gang  of  giants  ?  that  —  that  —  oh,  Lord !  oh, 
Lord !"  He  bows  his  head  upon  his  chair-back  in  com 
plete  exhaustion,  demanding,  feebly,  as  he  gets  breath 
for  the  successive  questions :  "  What  are  you  going  to 
d-o-o-o?  What  shall  you  s-a-a-a-y?  How  can  you  ex- 
pla-a-ain  it  ?" 

Roberts:  "  I  can  do  nothing.  I  can  say  nothing.  I 
can  never  explain  it.  I  must  go  to  Mr.  Bemis  and  make 
a  clean  breast  of  it:  but  think  of  the  absurdity — the 
ridicule !" 

Willis,  after  a  thoughtful  silence :  "  Oh,  it  isn't  tliat 
you've  got  to  think  of.  You've  got  to  think  of  the  old 
gentleman's  sense  of  injury  and  outrage.  Didn't  you 
hear  what  he  said — that  he  would  have  handed  over  his 
dearest  friend,  his  own  brother,  to  the  police  ?" 

Roberts:  "  But  that  was  in  the  supposition  that 
his  dearest  friend,  his  own  brother,  had  intentionally 
robbed  him.  You  can't  imagine,  Willis — 

Willis:  "  Oh,  I  can  imagine  a  great  many  things. 
It's  all  well  enough  for  you  to  say  that  the  robbery 
was  a  mistake ;  but  it  was  a  genuine  case  of  garroting, 
as  far  as  the  assault  and  taking  the  watch  go.  He's 
a  very  pudgicky  old  gentleman." 

Roberts:  "He  is." 

Willis:  "  And  I  don't  see  how  you're  going  to  satisfy 
him  that  it  was  all  a  joke.  Joke  ?  It  wasn't  a  joke ! 
It  was  a  real  assault  and  a  bona  fide  robbery,  and  Bemis 
can  prove  it." 

Roberts:  "But  he  would  never  insist — " 

22 


THE    GARROTERS 

Willis:  "  Oh,  I  don't  know  about  that.  He's  pretty 
queer,  Bemis  is.  You  can't  say  what  an  old  gentleman 
like  that  will  or  won't  do.  If  he  should  choose  to  carry 
it  into  court — " 

Roberts:  "Court!" 

Willis:  "  — it  might  be  embarrassing.  And, anyway, 
it  would  have  a  very  strange  look  in  the  papers." 

Roberts:  "  The  papers !     Good  gracious !" 

Willis:  "  Ten  years  from  now  a  man  that  heard  you 
mentioned  would  forget  all  about  the  acquittal  and  say : 
'  Roberts  ?  Oh  yes !  Wasn't  he  the  one  they  sent  to 
the  House  of  Correction  for  garroting  an  old  friend  of 
his  on  the  Common  ?'  You  see,  it  wouldn't  do  to  go  and 
make  a  clean  breast  of  it  to  Bemis." 

Roberts:  "I  see." 

Willis:  "  What  will  you  do  ?" 

Roberts:  "I  must  never  say  anything  to  him  about 
it.  Just  let  it  go." 

Willis:  "  And  keep  his  watch  ?  I  don't  see  how  you 
could  manage  that.  What  would  you  do  with  the  watch  ? 
You  might  sell  it,  of  course — 

Roberts:  "  Oh  no,  I  couldn't  do  that," 

Willis :  "  You  might  give  it  away  to  some  deserving 
person;  but  if  it  got  him  into  trouble — 

Roberts:  "  !N"o,  no;  that  wouldn't  do,  either." 

Willis:  "  And  you  can't  have  it  lying  around;  Agnes 
would  be  sure  to  find  it,  sooner  or  later." 

Roberts:  "Yes." 

Willis:  "  Besides,  there's  your  conscience.  Your 
conscience  wouldn't  let  you  keep  Bemis'  watch  away 
from  him.  And  if  it  would,  what  do  you  suppose  Ag 
nes'  conscience  would  do  when  she  came  to  find  it  out? 
Agnes  hasn't  got  much  of  a  head — the  want  of  it  seems 
to  grow  upon  her;  but  she's  got  a  conscience  as  big  as 
the  side  of  a  house." 

23 


THE    GAKEOTEKS 

Roberts:  "  Oh,  I  see;  I  see." 

Willis,  coming  up  and  standing  over  him,  with  his 
hands  in  his  pockets :  "  I  tell  you  what,  Roberts,  you're 
in  a  box." 

Roberts,  abjectly :  "  I  know  it,  Willis ;  I  know  it. 
What  do  you  suggest  ?  You  must  know  some  way  out 
of  it." 

Willis:  "  It  isn't  a  simple  matter  like  telling  them 
to  start  the  elevator  down  when  they  couldn't  start 
her  up.  I've  got  to  think  it  over."  He  walks  to  and 
fro,  Roberts'  eyes  helplessly  following  his  move 
ments.  "  How  would  it  do  to —  No,  that  wouldn?t 
do,  either." 

Roberts:  "  What  wouldn't  ?" 

Willis:  "Nothing.  I  was  just  thinking —  I  say, 
you  might —  Or,  no,  you  couldn't." 

Roberts:  "  Couldn't  what  ?" 

Willis:  "Nothing.  But  if  you  were  to —  No;  up 
a  stump  that  way,  too." 

Roberts:  "  Which  way?  For  mercy's  sake,  my  dear 
fellow,  don't  seem  to  get  a  clew  if  you  haven't  it.  It's 
more  than  I  can  bear."  He  rises,  and  desperately  con 
fronts  Willis  in  his  promenade.  "  If  you  see  any  hope 
at  all—" 

Willis,  stopping :  "  Why,  if  you  wrere  a  different  sort 
of  fellow,  Roberts,  the  thing  would  be  perfectly  easy." 

Roberts:  "  Very  well,  then.  What  sort  of  fellow  do 
you  want  me  to  be  ?  I'll  be  any  sort  of  fellow  you  like.1' 

Willis:  "Oh,  but  you  couldn't!  With  that  face  of 
yours,  and  that  confounded  conscience  of  yours  behind 
it,  you  would  give  away  the  whitest  lie  that  was  ever 
told." 

Roberts:  "  Do  you  wish  me  to  lie  ?  Very  well,  then, 
I  will  lie.  What  is  the  lie  ?" 

Willis:  "  Ah,  now  you're  talking  like  a  man!    I  can 

24 


THE    GARROTEES 

soon  think  up  a  lie,  if  you're  game  for  it.  Suppose  it 
wasn't  so  very  white — say  a  delicate  blond !" 

Roberts:  "  I  shouldn't  care  if  it  were  as  black  as  the 
ace  of  spades." 

Willis:  "Eoberts,  I  honor  you!  It  isn't  everybody 
who  could  steal  an  old  gentleman's  watch  and  then  be 
so  ready  to  lie  out  of  it.  Well,  you  have  got  courage 
— both  kinds — moral  and  physical." 

Roberts:  "Thank  you,  Willis.  Of  course  I  don't 
pretend  that  I  should  be  willing  to  lie  under  ordinary 
circumstances ;  but  for  the  sake  of  Agnes  and  the  chil 
dren —  I  don't  want  any  awkwardness  about  the  mat 
ter  ;  it  would  be  the  death  of  me.  Well,  what  do  you 
wish  me  to  say  ?  Be  quick ;  I  don't  believe  I  could  hold 
out  for  a  great  while.  I  don't  suppose  but  what  Mr. 
Bemis  would  be  reasonable,  even  if  I— 

Willis:  "I'm  afraid  we  couldn't  trust  him.  The 
only  way  is  for  you  to  take  the  bull  by  the  horns." 

Roberts:  "Yes?" 

Willis:  "  You  will  not  only  have  to  lie,  Eoberts,  but 
you  will  have  to  wear  an  air  of  innocent  candor  at  the 
same  time." 

Roberts:  "I  —  I'm  afraid  I  couldn't  manage  that. 
What  is  your  idea  ?" 

Willis:  "  Oh,  just  come  into  the  room  with  a  laugh 
when  we  go  back,  and  say,  in  an  off-hand  way,  i  By-the- 
way,  Agnes,  Willis  and  I  made  a  remarkable  discovery 
in  my  dressing-room ;  we  found  my  watch  there  on  the 
bureau.  Ha,  ha,  ha  !'  Do  you  think  you  could  do  it?" 

Roberts:  "  I— I  don't  know." 

Willis:  "  Try  the  laugh  now." 

Eoberts:  "  I'd  rather  not — now." 

Willis:  "Well,  try  it,  anyway." 

Roberts:  "Ha,  ha,  ha!" 

Willis:  "Once  more." 

25 


THE    GAKROTERS 

Roberts:  "Ha,  ha,  ha!" 

Willis:  "Pretty  ghastly;  but  I  guess  you  can  come 
it." 

Roberts:  "  I'll  try.     And  then  what?" 

Willis :  "  And  then  you  say,  *  I  hadn't  put  it  on 
when  I  went  out,  and  when  I  got  after  that  fellow 
and  took  it  hack  I  was  simply  getting  somebody  else's 
watch!'  Then  you  hold  out  both  watches  to  her  and 
laugh  again.  Everybody  laughs  and  crowds  round  you 
to  examine  the  watches,  and  you  make  fun  and  crack 
jokes  at  your  own  expense  all  the  time,  and  pretty  soon 
old  Bemis  says,  '  Why,  this  is  my  watch  now  /'  and  you 
laugh  more  than  ever — 

Roberts:  "  I'm  afraid  I  couldn't  laugh  when  he  said 
that.  I  don't  believe  I  could  laugh.  It  would  make 
my  blood  run  cold." 

Willis:  "  Oh  no,  it  wouldn't.  You'd  be  in  the  spirit 
of  it  by  that  time." 

Roberts:  "  Do  you  think  so ?    Well?" 

Willis:  "And  then  you  say,  'Well,  this  is  the  most 
remarkable  coincidence  I  ever  heard  of.  I  didn't  get 
my  own  watch  from  the  fellow,  but  I  got  yours,  Mr. 
Bemis ' ;  and  then  you  hand  it  over  to  him  and  say, 
'  Sorry  I  had  to  break  the  chain  in  getting  it  from  him,' 
and  then  everybody  laughs  again  and — and  that  ends 
it." 

Roberts,  with  a  profound  sigh :  "  Do  you  think  that 
would  end  it  ?" 

Willis:  "Why,  certainly.  It'll  put  old  Bemis  in 
the  wrong,  don't  you  see  ?  It  '11  show  that  instead  of 
letting  the  fellow  escape  to  go  and  rob  him,  you  attacked 
him  and  took  Bemis'  property  back  from  him  yourself. 
Bemis  wouldn't  have  a  word  to  say.  All  you've  got  to 
do  is  to  keep  up  a  light,  confident  manner." 

Roberts:  "  But  what  if  it  shouldn't  put  Bemis  in  the 

26 


THE    GAKROTEES 

wrong  ?  What  if  he  shouldn't  say  or  do  anything  that 
we've  counted  upon,  but  something  altogether  differ 
ent?" 

Willis:  "Well,  then,  you  must  trust  to  inspiration, 
and  adapt  yourself  to  circumstances." 

Roberts:  "  Wouldn't  it  be  rather  more  of  a  joke  to 
come  out  with  the  facts  at  once  ?" 

Willis:  "  On  you  it  would;  and  a  year  from  now— 
say  next  Christmas — you  could  get  the  laugh  on  Beinis 
that  way.  But  if  you  were  to  risk  it  now,  there's  no 
telling  how  he'd  take  it.  He's  so  indignant  he  might 
insist  upon  leaving  the  house.  But  with  this  plan  of 


mine — " 


Roberts,  in  despair:  "I  couldn't,  Willis.  I  don't 
feel  light,  and  I  don't  feel  confident,  and  I  couldn't 
act  it.  If  it  were  a  simple  lie — 

Willis :  "  Oh,  lies  are  never  simple ;  they  require  the 
exercise  of  all  your  ingenuity.  If  you  want  something 
simple  you  must  stick  to  the  truth  and  throw  yourself 
on  Bemis'  mercy." 

Roberts,  walking  up  and  down  in  great  distress :  "  I 
can't  do  it ;  I  can't  do  it.  It's  very  kind  of  you  to  think 
it  all  out  for  me,  but" — struck  by  a  sudden  idea — 
"  Willis,  why  shouldn't  you  do  it  ?" 

Willis:  "I?" 

Roberts:  "  You  are  good  at  those  things.  You  have 
so  much  aplomb,  you  know.  You  could  carry  it  off, 
you  know,  first-rate." 

Willis,  as  if  finding  a  certain  fascination  in  the  idea : 
"  Well,  I  don't  know—" 

Roberts:  "And  I  could  chime  in  on  the  laugh.  I 
think  I  could  do  that  if  somebody  else  was  doing  the 
rest," 

Willis,  after  a  moment  of  silent  reflection :  "  I  should 
like  to  do  it.  I  should  like  to  see  how  old  Bemis  would 

27 


THE    GARKOTEES 

look  when  I  played  it  on  him.  Boberts,  I  will  do  it. 
Not  a  word !  I  should  like  to  do  it.  Now  you  go  on 
and  hurry  up  your  toilet,  old  fellow;  you  needn't  mind 
me  here.  I'll  be  rehearsing." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  knocking  at  the  door  outside:  "Ed 
ward,  are  you  never  coming  ?" 

Roberts:  "Yes,  yes;  I'll  be  there  in  a  minute,  my 
dear." 

Willis:  "Yes,  he'll  be  there.  Eun  along  back,  and 
keep  it  going  till  we  come.  Koberts,  I  wouldn't  take 
a  thousand  dollars  for  this  chance." 

Roberts:  "  I'm  glad  you  like  it." 

Willis:  "Like  it?  Of  course  I  do.  Or,  no!  Hold 
on !  Wait !  It  won't  do !  No ;  you  must  take  the  lead 
ing  part,  and  I'll  support  you,  and  I'll  come  in  strong 
if  you  break  down.  That's  the  way  we  have  got  to  work 
it.  You  must  make  the  start." 

Roberts:  "  Couldn't  you  make  it  better,  Willis  ?  It's 
your  idea." 

Willis:  "  No;  they'd  be  sure  to  suspect  me,  and  they 
can't  suspect  you  of  anything — you're  so  innocent.  The 
illusion  will  be  complete." 

Roberts,  very  doubtfully :  "  Do  you  think  so  ?" 

Willis:  "Yes.  Hurry  up.  Let  me  unbutton  that 
collar  for  you." 


PART  THIRD 


MRS.    ROBERTS,    DOCTOR  LAWTON,    MRS.    CRA- 

SHAW,  MR.   BEMIS,   YOUNG  MR.   AND 

MRS.   BEMIS 

MRS.  EGBERTS,  surrounded  by  her  guests,  and  con 
fronting  from  her  sofa  Mr.  Bemis,  who  still  remains 
sunken  in  his  arm-chair,  has  apparently  closed  an  ex 
haustive  recital  of  the  events  which  have  ended  in  his 
presence  there.  She  looks  round  with  a  mixed  air  of 
self-denial  and  self-satisfaction  to  read  the  admiration 
of  her  listeners  in  their  sympathetic  countenances. 

Doctor  Lawton,  with  an  ironical  sigh  of  profound  im 
pression  :  "  Well,  Mrs.  Roberts,  you  are  certainly  the 
most  lavishly  hospitable  of  hostesses.  Every  one  knows 
what  delightful  dinners  you  give;  but  these  little  dra 
matic  episodes  which  you  offer  your  guests,  by  way  of 
appetizer,  are  certainly  unique.  Last  year  an  elevator 
stuck  in  the  shaft  with  half  the  company  in  it,  and  this 
year  a  highway  robbery,  its  daring  punishment  and  its 
reckless  repetition — what  the  newspapers  will  call  i  A 
Triple  Mystery  '  when  it  gets  to  them — and  both  victims 
among  our  commensals!  Really,  I  don't  know  what 
more  we  could  ask  of  you,  unless  it  were  the  foot-padded 
footpad  himself  as  a  commensal.  If  this  sort  of  thing 
should  become  de  rigueur  in  society  generally,  I  don't 
know  what's  to  become  of  people  who  haven't  your  in 
vention." 

29 


THE    GAKKOTERS 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Oh,  it's  all  very  well  to  make  fun 
now,  Doctor  Lawton;  but  if  you  had  heen  here  when 
they  first  came  in — : 

Young  Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Yes,  indeed,  I  think  so,  too, 
Mrs.  Roberts.  If  Mr.  Bemis — Alfred,  I  mean — and 
papa  hadn't  been  with  me  when  you  came  out  there  to 
prepare  us,  I  don't  know  what  I  should  have  done.  I 
should  certainly  have  died,  or  gone  through  the  floor." 
She  looks  fondly  up  into  the  face  of  her  husband  for 
approval,  where  he  stands  behind  her  chair  and  furitive- 
ly  gives  him  her  hand  for  pressure. 

Young  Mr.  Bemis :  "  Somebody  ought  to  write  to  the 
Curwens — Mrs.  Curwen,  that  is — about  it." 

Mrs.  Bemis,  taking  away  her  hand :  "  Oh  yes,  papa, 
do  write !" 

Lawton:  "I  will,  my  dear.  Even  Mrs.  Curwen, 
dazzling  away  in  another  sphere — hemisphere — and  sur 
rounded  by  cardinals  and  all  the  other  celestial  lights 
there  at  Rome,  will  be  proud  to  exploit  this  new  evi 
dence  of  American  enterprise.  I  can  fancy  the  effect 
she  will  produce  with  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  And  the  Millers — what  a  shame  they 
couldn't  come !  How  excited  they  would  have  been  ! — 
that  is,  Mrs.  Miller.  Is  their  baby  very  bad,  Doctor  ?" 

Lawton :  "  Well,  vaccination  is  always  a  very  serious 
thing — with  a  first  child.  I  should  say,  from  the  way 
Mrs.  Miller  feels  about  it,  that  Miller  wouldn't  be  able 
to  be  out  for  a  week  to  come  yet." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Oh,  how  ridiculous  you  are,  Doc 
tor!" 

Bemis,  rising  feebly  from  his  chair :  "  Well,  now 
that  it's  all  explained,  Mrs.  Roberts,  I  think  I'd  better 
go  home ;  and  if  you'll  kindly  have  them  telephone  for 
a  carriage — 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  No,  indeed,  Mr.  Bemis!  We  shall 

30 


SRE    LOOKS    FONDLY    UP    INTO   THE    FACE    OF   HER    HUSBAND    FOR 
APPROVAL. 


THE    GARROTERS 

not  let  you  go.  Why,  the  idea!  You  must  stay  and 
take  dinner  with  us,  just  the  same." 

Bemis:  "  But  in  this  state — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Oh,  never  mind  the  state.  You  look 
perfectly  wTell;  and  if  you  insist  upon  going  I  shall 
know  that  you  bear  a  grudge  against  Edward  for  not 
arresting  him.  Wait !  We  can  put  you  in  perfect  order 
in  just  a  second."  She  flies  out  of  the  room,  and 
then  comes  swooping  back  with  a  needle  and  thread,  a 
fresh  white  necktie,  a  handkerchief,  and  a  hair-brush. 
"There !  I  can't  let  you  go  to  Edward's  dressing-room, 
because  he's  there  himself,  and  the  children  are  in  mine, 
and  we've  had  to  put  the  new  maid  in  the  guest-cham 
ber — you  are  rather  cramped  in  flats,  that's  true ;  that's 
the  worst  of  them — but  if  you  don't  mind  having  your 
toilet  made  in  public,  like  the  King  of  France — " 

Bemis,  entering  into  the  spirit  of  it :  "  ISTot  the  least ; 
but — "  He  laughs  and  drops  back  into  his  chair. 

Mrs.  Roberts,  distributing  the  brush  to  young  Mr. 
Bemis,  and  the  tie  to  his  wife,  and  dropping  upon  her 
knees  before  Mr.  Bemis :  "  Now,  Mrs.  Lou,  you  just 
whip  off  that  crumpled  tie  and  whip  on  the  fresh  one, 
and,  Mister  Lou,  you  give  his  hair  a  touch,  and  I'll  have 
this  torn  button -hole  mended  before  you  can  think." 
She  seizes  it  and  begins  to  sew  vigorously  upon  it. 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Agnes,  you  are  the  most  ridiculous 
ly  sensible  woman  in  the  country." 

Lawton,  standing  before  the  group,  with  his  arms 
folded  and  his  feet  well  apart,  in  an  attitude  of  easy 
admiration :  "  The  Wounded  Adonis,  attended  by  the 
Loves  and  Graces.  Familiar  Pompeiian  fresco." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  looking  around  at  him :  "  I  don't  see 
a  great  many  Loves." 

Lawton:  "  She  ignores  us,  Mrs.  Crashaw.    And  after 

what  you've  just  said !" 

31 


THE    GARROTERS 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Then  why  don't  you  do  something?" 

Lawton:  "  The  Loves  never  do  anything — in  frescos. 
They  stand  round  and  sympathize.  Besides,  we  are 
waiting  to  administer  an  anaesthetic.  But  what  I  ad 
mire  in  this  subject  even  more  than  the  activity  of  the 
Graces  is  the  serene  dignity  of  the  Adonis.  I  have  seen 
my  old  friend  in  many  trying  positions,  but  I  never 
realized  till  now  all  the  simpering  absurdity,  the  flat 
tered  silliness,  the  senile  coquettishness,  of  which  his 
benign  countenance  was  capable." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Don't  mind  him  a  bit,  Mr.  Bemis; 
it's  nothing  but — 

Lawton:  "  Pure  envy.    I  own  it." 

Bemis:  "  All  right,  Lawton.    Wait  till—" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  making  a  final  stitch,  snapping  off  the 
thread,  and  springing  to  her  feet,  all  in  one :  "  There, 
have  you  finished,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Lou  ?  Well,  then,  take 
this  lace  handkerchief,  and  draw  it  down  from  his  neck 
and  pin  it  in  his  waistcoat,  and  you  have — 

Lawton,  as  Mr.  Bemis  rises  to  his  feet :  "  A  Gentle 
man  of  the  Old  School.  Bemis,  you  look  like  a  minia 
ture  of  yourself  by  Malbone.  Rather  flattered,  but — 
recognizable." 

Bemis,  with  perfectly  recovered  gayety :  "  Go  on,  go 
on,  Lawton.  I  can  understand  your  envy.  I  can  pity 
it." 

Lawion :  "  Could  you  forgive  Roberts  for  not  captur 
ing  the  garroter  ?" 

Bemis:  "  Yes,  I  could.  I  could  give  the  garroter  his 
liberty,  and  present  him  with  an  admission  to  the  Provi 
dent  Wood-yard,  where  he  could  earn  an  honest  living 
for  his  family." 

Lawton,  compassionately:  "  You  are  pretty  far  gone, 
Bemis.  Really,  I  think  somebody  ought  to  go  for  Rob 
erts." 

32 


THE    GARROTERS 

Mrs.  Roberts,  innocently :  "  Yes,  indeed !  Why, 
what  in  the  world  can  be  keeping  him  ?"  A  nurse 
maid  enters  and  beckons  Mrs.  Roberts  to  the  door  with 
a  glance.  She  runs  to  her ;  they  whisper ;  and  then  Mrs. 
Rloberts,  over  her  shoulder,  "  That  ridiculous  great  boy 
of  mine  says  he  can't  go  to  sleep  unless  I  come  and  kiss 
him  good-night." 

Lawton:  "Which  ridiculous  great  boy,  I  wonder? — 
Roberts  or  Campbell  ?  But  I  didn't  know  they  had  gone 
to  bed!" 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  You  are  too  bad,  papa !  You  know 
it's  little  Neddy." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  vanishing :  "  Oh,  I  don't  mind  his  non 
sense,  Lou.  I'll  fetch  them  both  back  with  me." 

Lawton,  after  making  a  melodramatic  search  for  con 
cealed  listeners  at  the  doors :  "  Now,  friends,  I  have  a 
revelation  to  make  in  Mrs.  Roberts'  absence.  I  have 
found  out  the  garroter — the  assassin." 

All  the  others:  "What!" 

Lawton:  "  He  has  been  secured — " 

Mrs.  Crasliaiv,  severely :  "  Well,  I'm  very  glad  of  it." 

Young  Bemis:  "  By  the  police  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis,  incredulously :  "  Papa  !" 

Bemis:  "  But  there  were  several  of  them.  Have  they 
all  been  arrested  ?" 

Lawton :  "  There  was  only  one,  and  none  of  him  has 
been  arrested." 

Mrs.  Crasliaw:  "Where  is  he,  then?" 

Lawton:  "  In  this  house." 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "  Now,  Doctor  Lawton,  you  and  I  are 
old  friends — I  shouldn't  like  to  say  how  old — but  if  you 
don't  instantly  be  serious,  I — I'll  carry  my  rheumatism 
to  somebody  else." 

Lawton :  "  My  dear  Mrs.   Crashaw,  you  know  how 

much  I  prize  that  rheumatism  of  yours !     I  will  be 
3  33 


THE    GARKOTEKS 

serious — I  will  be  only  too  serious.  The  garroter  is 
Mr.  Roberts  himself." 

All,  horror-struck:  "Oh!" 

Lawton:  "  He  went  out  without  his  watch.  He 
thought  he  was  robbed,  but  he  wasn't.  He  ran  after 
the  supposed  thief,  our  poor  friend  Bemis  here,  and 
took  Bemis'  watch  away  and  brought  it  home  for  his 
own." 

Young  Bemis:  "  Yes,  but — ' 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  But,  papa — ' 

Bemis :  "  How  do  you  know  it  ?  I  can  see  how  such 
a  thing  might  happen,  but — how  do  you  know  it  did?" 

Lawton:  "  I  divined  it." 

Mrs.  Crasliaw:  "Nonsense!" 

Lawton:  "  Very  well,  then,  I  read  of  just  such  a 
case  in  the  Advertiser  a  year  ago.  It  occurs  annually — 
in  the  newspapers.  And  I'll  tell  you  what,  Mrs.  Cra- 
shaw — Roberts  found  out  his  mistake  as  soon  as  he  went 
to  his  dressing-room;  and  that  ingenious  nephew  of 
yours,  who's  closeted  with  him  there,  has  been  trying 
to  put  him  up  to  something — to  some  game." 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  Willis  has  too  much  sense.  He 
would  know  that  Edward  couldn't  carry  out  any  sort 
of  game." 

Lawton :  "  Well,  then,  he's  getting  Roberts  to  let  him 
carry  out  the  game." 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw:  "Edward  couldn't  do  that,  either." 

Lawton:  "  Very  well,  then,  just  wait  till  they  come 
back.  Will  you  leave  me  to  deal  with  Campbell?" 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  What  are  you  going  to  do  ?" 

Young  Bemis :  "  You  mustn't  forget  that  he  got  us 
out  of  the  elevator,  sir." 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "We  might  have  been  there  yet  if  it 
hadn't  been  for  him,  papa." 

Mrs.  CrasJLaw:  "  I  shouldn't  want  Willis  mortified." 

34 


THE    GARROTERS 

Bemis:  "  ISTor  Mr.  Koberts  annoyed.  We're  fellow- 
sufferers  in  this  business." 

Lawton:  "  Oh,  leave  it  to  me,  leave  it  to  me!  I'll 
spare  their  feelings.  Don't  be  afraid.  Ah,  there  they 
come !  Now  don't  say  anything.  I'll  just  step  into  the 
anteroom  here." 


II 

MR.  ROBERTS,  MR.  CAMPBELL,  AND  THE  OTHERS 

Roberts,  entering  the  room  before  Campbell  and 
shaking  hands  with  his  guests :  "  Ah,  Mr.  Bemis ;  Mrs. 
Bemis ;  Aunt  Mary !  You've  heard  of  our  comical  little 
coincidence — our — Mr.  Bemis  and  my —  He  halts, 
confused,  and  looks  around  for  the  moral  support  of 
Willis,  who  follows  hilariously. 

Willis:  "  Greatest  joke  on  record !  But  I  won't  spoil 
it  for  you,  Roberts.  Go  on !"  In  a  low  voice  to  Rob 
erts  :  "  And  don't  look  so  confoundedly  down  in  the 
mouth.  They  won't  think  it's  a  joke  at  all." 

Roberts,  with  galvanic  lightness :  "  Yes,  yes — such  a 
joke !  Well,  you  see — you  see — 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  See  what,  Edward  ?  Do  get  it 
out!" 

Willis,  jollily :  "  Ah,  ha,  ha!" 

Roberts,  lugubriously :  "  Ah,  ha,  ha !" 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "How  funny!    Ha,  ha,  ha!" 

Young  Mr.  Bemis:  "  Capital !  capital !" 

Bemis:  "Excellent!" 

Willis:  "Go  on,  Roberts,  do!  or  I  shall  die!  Ah, 
ha,  ha!" 

Roberts,  in  a  low  voice  of  consternation  to  Willis: 
"  Where  was  I  ?  I  can't  go  on  unless  I  know  where  I 
was." 

Willis,  sotto  voce  to  Roberts :  "  You  weren't  any 
where!  Eor  Heaven's  sake,  make  a  start!" 

36 


THE    GAKKOTEKS 

Roberts,  to  the  others,  convulsively :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha ! 
I  supposed  all  the  time,  you  know,  that  I  had  been 
robbed,  and — and — " 

Willis:  "Go  on !0o  on!" 

Roberts,  whispering:  "  I  can't  do  it!" 

Willis,  whispering :  "  You've  got  to !  You're  the 
beaver  that  clomb  the  tree.  Laugh  naturally  now !" 

Roberts,  with  a  staccato  groan,  which  he  tries  to  make 
pass  for  a  laugh :  "  And  then  I  ran  after  the  man — " 
He  stops,  and  regards  Mr.  Bemis  with  a  ghastly  stare. 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  What  is  the  matter  with  you,  Ed 
ward  ?  Are  you  sick  ?" 

Willis:  "Sick?  ]\To!  Can't  you  see  that  he  can't 
get  over  the  joke  of  the  thing  ?  It's  killing  him."  To 
Eoberts :  "  Brace  up,  old  man !  You're  doing  it  splen 
didly." 

Roberts,  hopelessly :  "  And  then  the  other  man — the 
man  that  had  robbed  me — the  man  that  I  had  pursued 
-ugh!" 

Willis:  "  Well,  it  is  too  much  for  him.  I  shall  have 
to  tell  it  myself,  I  see." 

Roberts,  making  a  wild  effort  to  command  himself: 
"  And  so — so — this  man — man — ma — " 

Willis:  "  Oh,  good  Lord—  Doctor  Lawton  sud 
denly  appears  from  the  anteroom  and  confronts  him. 
"  Oh,  the  devil!" 

Lawton,  folding  his  arms  and  fixing  his  eyes  upon 
him :  "  Which  means  that  you  forgot  I  was  coming." 

Willis:  "Doctor,  you  read  a  man's  symptoms  at  a 
glance." 

Lawton:  "  Yes;  and  I  can  see  that  you  are  in  a  bad 
way,  Mr.  Campbell." 

Willis:  "  Why  don't  you  advertise, Doctor  ?  Patients 
need  only  enclose  a  lock  of  their  hair  and  the  color  of 
their  eyes,  with  one  dollar  to  pay  the  cost  of  materials, 

37 


THE    GARKOTERS 

which  will  be  sent,  with  full  directions  for  treatment, 
by  return  mail.  Seventh  son  of  a  seventh  son." 

Lawton:  "Ah,  don't  try  to  jest  it  away,  my  poor 
friend.  This  is  one  of  those  obscure  diseases  of  the 
heart — induration  of  the  pericardium — which,  if  not 
taken  in  time,  result  in  deceitfulness  above  all  things, 
and  desperate  wickedness." 

Willis :  "  Look  here,  Doctor  Lawton,  what  are  you 
up  to  ?" 

Lawton:  "  Look  here,  Mr.  Campbell,  what  is  your 
little  game?" 

Willis:  "I  don't  know  what  you're  up  to."  He 
shrugs  his  shoulders  and  walks  up  the  room. 

Lawton,  shrugging  his  shoulders  and  walking  up  the 
room  abreast  of  Campbell :  "  I  don't  know  what  your 
little  game  is."  They  return  together  and  stop,  con 
fronting  each  other. 

Willis:  "  But  if  you  think  I'm  going  to  give  myself 
away — " 

Lawton:  "  If  you  suppose  I'm  going  to  take  you  at 
your  own  figure —  They  walk  up  the  room  together 
and  return  as  before. 

Willis:  "Mrs.  Bemis,  what  is  this  unnatural  parent 
of  yours  after  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis,  tittering :  "  Oh,  I'm  sure  I  can't  tell." 

Willis:  "Aunt  Mary,  you  used  to  be  a  friend  of 
mine.  Can't  you  give  me  some  sort  of  clew  ?" 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  I  should  be  ashamed  of  you,  Wil 
lis,  if  you  accepted  anybody's  help." 

Willis,  sighing :  "  Well,  this  is  pretty  hard  on  an 
orphan.  Here  I  come  to  join  a  company  of  friends 
at  the  fireside  of  a  burgled  brother-in-law,  and  I  find 
myself  in  a  nest  of  conspirators."  Suddenly,  after  a 
moment :  "  Oh,  I  understand.  Why,  I  ought  to  have 
seen  at  once.  But  no  matter — it's  just  as  well.  I'm 

38 


THE    GARKOTEKS 

sure  that  we  shall  hear  Doctor  Lawton  leniently,  and 
make  allowance  for  his  well-known  foible.  Roberts  is 
bound  by  the  laws  of  hospitality,  and  Mr.  Bemis  is  the 
father-in-law  of  his  daughter." 

Mrs,  Bemis,  in  serious  dismay :  "  Why,  Mr.  Camp 
bell,  what  do  you  mean  ?" 

{Willis:  "  Simply  that  the  mystery  is  solved — the 
double  garroter  is  discovered.  I'm  sorry  for  you,  Mrs. 
Bemis ;  and  no  one  will  wish  to  deal  harshly  with  your 
father  when  he  confesses  that  it  was  he  who  robbed  Mr. 
Roberts  and  Mr.  Bemis.  All  that  they  ask  is  to  have 
their  watches  back.  Go  on,  Doctor !  How  will  that  do, 
Aunt  Mary,  for  a  little  flyer  ?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Willis,  I  declare  I  never  saw  any 
body  like  you !"  She  embraces  him  with  joyous  pride. 

Roberts,  coming  forward,  anxiously :  "  But,  my  dear 
Willis—" 

Willis,  clapping  his  hand  over  his  mouth  and  leading 
him  back  to  his  place :  "  We  can't  let  you  talk  now. 
I've  no  doubt  you'll  be  considerate  and  all  that,  but  Doc 
tor  Lawton  has  the  floor.  Go  on,  Doctor !  Free  your 
mind  !  Don't  be  afraid  of  telling  the  whole  truth !  It 
will  be  better  for  you  in  the  end."  He  rubs  his  hands 
gleefully,  and  then  thrusting  the  points  of  them  into 
his  waistcoat-pockets,  stands  beaming  triumphantly 
upon  Lawton. 

Lawton:  "Do  you  think  so?"  With  well-affected 
trepidation :  "  Well,  friends,  if  I  must  confess  this — 
this—" 

Willis:  "  High-handed  outrage.    Go  on." 

Lawton :  "  I  suppose  I  must.  I  shall  not  expect 
mercy  for  myself;  perhaps  you'll  say  that,  as  an  old 
and  hardened  offender,  I  don't  deserve  it.  But  I  had 
an  accomplice  —  a  young  man  very  respectably  con 
nected,  and  who,  whatever  his  previous  life  may  have 

39 


THE    GAKEOTEKS 

been,  had  managed  to  keep  a  good  reputation ;  a  young 
man  a  little  apt  to  be  misled  by  overweening  vanity  and 
the  ill-advised  flattery  of  his  friends;  but  I  hope  that 
neither  of  you  gentlemen  will  be  hard  upon  him,  but 
will  consider  his  youth,  and  perhaps  his  congenital  mor 
al  and  intellectual  deficiencies,  even  when  you  find  your 
watches  —  on  Mr.  Campbell's  person."  He  leans  for 
ward,  rubbing  his  hands,  and  smiling  upon  Campbell, 
"  How  will  that  do,  Mr.  Campbell,  for  a  flyer  ?" 

Willis,  turning  to  Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  One  ahead,  Aunt 
Mary?" 

Lawton,  clasping  him  by  the  hand :  "  "No,  generous 
youth — even !"  They  shake  hands,  clapping  each  other 
on  the  back  with  their  lefts,  and  joining  in  the  general 
laugh. 

BetniSf  coming  forward,  jovially :  "  Well,  now,  I  glad 
ly  forgive  you  both — or  whoever  did  rob  me — if  you'll 
only  give  me  back  my  watch." 

Willis:  "  I  haven't  got  your  watch." 

Lawton:  "  Nor  I."  * 

Roberts,  rather  faintly,  and  coming  reluctantly  for 
ward:  "I  —  I  have  it,  Mr.  Bemis."  He  produces  it 
from  one  waistcoat-pocket  and  hands  it  to  Bemis.  Then, 
visiting  the  other :  "  And  what's  worse,  I  have  my  own. 
I  don't  know  how  I  can  ever  explain  it  or  atone  to  you 
for  my  extraordinary  behavior.  Willis  thought  you 
might  finally  see  it  as  a  joke,  and  I've  done  my  best 
to  pass  it  off  lightly — " 

Willis:  "  And  you  succeeded.  You  had  all  the  light 
ness  of  a  sick  hippopotamus." 

Roberts:  "I'm  afraid  so.  I'll  have  the  chain  mended, 
of  course.  But  when  I  went  out  this  evening  I  left  my 
watch  on  my  dressing-table,  and  when  you  struck  against 
me  in  the  Common  I  missed  it,  and  supposed  I  had  been 
robbed,  and  I  ran  after  you  and  took  yours — " 

40 


THE    GARROTERS 

Willis:  "Being  a  man  of  the  most  violent  temper 
and  the  most  desperate  courage — " 

Roberts:  "  But  I  hope,  my  dear  sir,  that  I  didn't 
hurt  you  seriously  ?" 

Bemis:  "  Not  at  all — not  the  least."  Shaking  him 
cordially  by  both  hands :  "  I'm  all  right.  Mrs.  Roberts 
has  healed  all  my  wounds  with  her  skilful  needle ;  I've 
got  on  one  of  your  best  neckties,  and  this  lace  handker 
chief  of  your  wife's,  which  I'm  going  to  keep  for  a 
souvenir  of  the  most  extraordinary  adventure  of  my 
life—" 

Lawton:  "  Oh,  it's  an  old  newspaper  story,  Bemis,  I 
tell  you." 

Willis :  "  Well,  Aunt  Mary,  I  wish  Agnes  were  here 
now  to  see  Roberts  in  his  character  of  moral  hero.  He 
i  done '  it  with  his  little  hatchet,  but  he  waited  to 
make  sure  that  Bushrod  was  all  right  before  he  owned 
up." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  appearing :  "  Who,  Willis  ?" 

Willis:  "  A  very  great  and  good  man — George  Wash 
ington." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  I  thought  you  meant  Edward." 

Willis:  "Well,  I  don't  suppose  there  is  much  dif 
ference." 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  The  robber  has  been  caught,  Ag 
nes." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Caught?  Nonsense!  You  don't 
mean  it!  How  can  you  trifle  with  such  a  subject? 
I  know  you  are  joking !  Who  is  it  ?" 

Young  Bemis :  "  You  never  could  guess — " 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "  Never  in  the  world !" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  I  don't  wish  to.  But  oh,  Mr.  Bemis, 
I've  just  come  from  my  own  children,  and  you  must  be 
merciful  to  his  family!" 

Bemis:  "  For  your  sake,  dear  lady,  I  will." 

41 


THE    GARKOTEES 

Bella,  between  the  portieres :  "  Dinner  is  ready,  Mrs. 
Koberts." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  passing  her  hand  through  Mr.  Bemis' 
arm :  "  Oh,  then  you  must  go  in  with  me  and  tell  me  all 
about  it." 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 


FIVE. O'CLOCK   TEA 


MRS.  SOMERS;  MR.  WILLIS  CAMPBELL 

MRS.  AMY  SOMERS,  in  a  lightly  floating  tea  -  gown 
of  singularly  becoming  texture  and  color,  employs  the 
last  moments  of  expectance  before  the  arrival  of  her 
guests  in  marching  up  and  down  in  front  of  the  mirror 
which  fills  the  space  between  the  long  windows  of  her 
drawing-room,  looking  over  either  shoulder  for  different 
effects  of  the  drifting  and  eddying  train,  and  advancing 
upon  her  image  with  certain  little  bobs  and  bows,  and 
retreating  from  it  with  a  variety  of  fan  practice  and 
elaborated  courtesies,  finally  degenerating  into  bur 
lesque,  and  a  series  of  grimaces  and  "  mouths  "  made 
at  the  responsive  reflex.  In  the  fascination  of  this 
amusement  she  is  first  ignorant,  and  then  aware,  of  the 
presence  of  Mr.  Willis  Campbell,  who  on  the  landing 
space  between  the  drawing-room  and  the  library  stands, 
hat  in  hand,  in  the  pleased  contemplation  of  Mrs. 
Somers'  manoeuvres  and  contortions  as  the  mirror  re 
ports  them  to  him.  Mrs.  Somers  does  not  permit  her 
self  the  slightest  start  on  seeing  him  in  the  glass,  but 
turns  deliberately  away,  having  taken  time  to  prepare 
the  air  of  gratification  and  surprise  with  which  she 
greets  him  at  half  the  length  of  the  drawing-room. 

45 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Mrs.  Somers,  giving  her  hand :  "  Why,  Mr.  Camp 
bell  !  How  very  nice  of  you !  How  long  have  you 
been  prowling  about  there  on  the  landing?  So  stupid 
of  them  not  to  have  turned  up  the  gas !" 

Campbell:  "  I  wasn't  much  incommoded.  That  sort 
of  pitch  -  darkness  is  rather  becoming  to  my  style  of 
beauty,  I  find.  The  only  objection  was  that  I  couldn't 
see  you." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Do  you  often  make  those  pretty 
speeches  ?" 

Campbell:  "  When  I  can  found  them  on  fact." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "What  can  I  say  back?  Oh!  That 
I'm  sorry  I  couldn't  have  met  you  when  you  were  look 
ing  your  best." 

Campbell:  "Um!  Do  you  think  you  could  have 
borne  it  ?  We  might  go  out  there." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  On  second  thoughts,  no.  I  shall  ring 
to  have  them  turn  up  the  gas." 

Campbell:  "No;  let  me."  He  prevents  her  ring 
ing,  and  going  out  into  the  space  between  the  library 
and  drawing-room,  stands  with  his  hand  on  the  key  of 
the  gas-burner.  "  Now  how  do  I  look  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Beautiful." 

Campbell,  turning  up  the  gas :  "  And  now  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Not  half  so  well.  Decidedly  pitch- 
darkness  is  becoming  to  you.  Better  turn  it  down 
again." 

Campbell.,  rejoining  her  in  the  drawing-room :  "  No ; 
it  isn't  so  becoming  to  you ;  and  I'm  not  envious,  what 
ever  I  am." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  You  are  generosity  itself." 

Campbell:  "If  you  come  to  phrases,  I  prefer  mag 
nanimity." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Well,  say  magnanimity.     Won't  you 

sit  down — while  you  have  the  opportunity  ?"    She  sinks 

46 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

upon  the  sofa,  and  indicates  with  her  fan  an  easy-chair 
at  one  end  of  it. 

Campbell,  dropping  into  it :  "  Are  there  going  to  be 
so  many  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  never  can  tell  about  five-o'clock 
tea.  There  mayn't  be  more  than  half  a  dozen;  there 
may  be  thirty  or  forty.  But  I  wished  to  affect  your  im 
agination." 

Campbell:  "You  had  better  have  tried  it  in  some 
other  kind  of  weather.  It's  snowing  like — " 

Mrs.  Somers,  running  to  the  window  and  peeping  out 
through  the  side  of  the  curtain :  "  It  is !  Like — cats 
and  dogs!" 

Campbell:  "  Oh  no!  You  can't  say  that.  It  only 
rains  that  way.  I  was  going  to  say  it  myself,  but  I 
stopped  in  time." 

Mrs.  Somers,,  standing  before  the  window  with  clasp 
ed  hands :  "  No  matter !  There  will  simply  be  nobody 
but  bores.  They  come  in  any  sort  of  weather." 

Campbell:  "Thank  you,  Mrs.  Somers.  I'm  glad  I 
ventured  out." 

Mrs.  Somers,  turning  about :  "  What  ?"  Then  realiz 
ing  the  situation :  "  Oh,  poor  Mr.  Campbell !" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  don't  mind  me!  I  can  stand  it  if 
you  can.  I  belong  to  a  sex,  thank  you,  that  doesn't  pre 
tend  to  have  any  tact,  I  would  just  as  soon  tell  a  man 
he  was  a  bore  as  not.  But  I  thought  it  might  worry  a 
lady,  perhaps." 

'Mrs.  Somers:  "Worry?  I'm  simply  aghast  at  it. 
Did  you  ever  hear  of  anything  worse  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Well,  not  much  worse." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "What  can  I  do  to  make  you  forget 
it?" 

'Campbell:  "I  can't  think  of  anything.  It  seems  to 
me  that  I  shall  always  remember  it  as  the  most  fort- 

47 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

unate  speech  a  lady  ever  made  to  me — and  they  have 
said  some  flattering  things  to  me  in  my  time." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  don't  be  entirely  heartless. 
Wouldn't  a  cup  of  tea  blot  it  out?  With  a  Peak  & 
Frean  ?"  She  advances  beseechingly  upon  him.  "  Come, 
I  will  give  you  a  cup  at  once." 

Campbell:  "No,  thank  you;  I  would  rather  have 
it  with  the  rest  of  the  bores.  They'll  be  sure  to 
come." 

Mrs.  Somers,  resuming  her  seat  on  the  sofa :  "  You 
are  implacable.  And  I  thought  you  said  you  were  gen 
erous." 

Campbell:  "  No;  merely  magnanimous.  I  can't  for 
get  your  cruel  frankness;  but  I  know  you  can,  and  I 
ask  you  to  do  it."  He  throws  himself  back  in  his  chair 
with  a  sigh.  "  And  who  knows  ?  Perhaps  you  were 
right." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  About  what  ?" 

Campbell:  "  My  being  a  bore." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  should  think  you  would  know." 

Campbell:  "  No ;  that's  the  difficulty.  Nobody  would 
be  a  bore  if  he  knew  it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  some  would,  I  think." 

Campbell:  "  Do  you  mean  me?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Well,  no,  then.  I  don't  believe  you 
would  be  a  bore,  if  you  knew  it.  Is  that  enough,  or  do 
you  expect  me  to  say  something  more  ?" 

Campbell:  "  No:  it's  quite  enough,  thank  you."  He 
remains  pensively  silent. 

Mrs.  Somers,  after  waiting  for  him  to  speak :  "  Bores 
for  bores,  don't  you  hate  the  silent  ones  most  ?" 

Campbell,,  desperately  rousing  himself:  "Mrs.  Som 
ers,  if  you  only  knew  how  disagreeable  I  was  going 
to  make  myself  just  before  I  concluded  to  hold  my 

tongue !" 

48 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Keally?  What  were  you  going  to 
say?" 

Campbell:  "Do  you  actually  wish  to  know?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Oh  no;  I  only  thought  you  wished 
to  tell." 

Campbell:  "  'Not  at  all.  You  complained  of  my  be 
ing  silent." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Did  I?  I  was  wrong.  I  will  never 
do  so  again."  She  laughs  in  her  fan. 

Campbell:  "And  I  complain  of  your  delay.  You 
can  tell  me  now,  just  as  well  as  two  weeks  hence,  wheth 
er  you  love  me  enough  to  marry  me  or  not." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  You  promised  not  to  recur  to  that 
subject  without  some  hint  from  me.  You  have  broken 
your  promise." 

Campbell:  "Well,  you  wouldn't  give  me  any 
hint." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  How  can  I  believe  you  care  for  me  if 
you  are  false  in  this  ?" 

Campbell:  "  It  seems  to  me  that  my  falsehood  is  an 
other  proof  of  iny  affection." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Very  well,  then;  you  can  wait  till  I 
know  my  mind." 

Campbell:  "I'd  rather  know  your  heart.  But  I'll 
wait."  After  a  pause:  "  Why  do  you  carry  a  fan  on  a 
day  like  this?  I  ask,  to  make  general  conversation." 

Mrs.  Somers,  spreading  the  fan  in  her  lap  and  look 
ing  at  it  curiously :  "  I  don't  know."  After  a  moment : 
"  Oh  yes ;  for  the  same  reason  that  I  shall  have  ice 
cream  after  dinner  to-day." 

Campbell:  "That's  no  reason  at  all."  After  a  mo 
ment:  "Are  you  going  to  have  ice-cream  to-day  after 
dinner  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I  might — if  I  had  company." 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  I  couldn't  stay  after  hinting.  I'm 
*  49 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

too  proud  for  that."  He  pulls  his  chair  nearer  and 
joins  her  in  examining  the  fan  in  her  lap.  "  What  is 
so  very  strange  about  your  fan  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nothing.  I  was  just  seeing  how  a 
fan  looked  that  was  the  subject  of  gratuitous  criti 
cism." 

Campbell:  "  I  didn't  criticise  the  /an."  He  regards 
it  studiously. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh !    Not  the  fan  ?" 

Campbell:  "No;  I  think  it's  extremely  pretty.  I 
like  big  fans." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  So  good  of  you !  It's  Spanish. 
That's  why  it's  so  large." 

Campbell:  "It's  hand-painted,  too." 

Mrs.  Somers,  leaning  back  and  leaving  him  to  the 
inspection  of  the  fan:  "You're  a  connoisseur,  Mr. 
Campbell." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  I  can  tell  hand-painting  from  ma 
chine-painting  when  I  see  it.  'Tisn't  so  good." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Thank  you." 

Campbell:  "  Not  at  all.  Now,  that  fellow — cavalier, 
I  suppose,  in  Spain — making  love  in  that  attitude,  you 
can  see  at  a  glance  that  he's  hand-painted.  No  macMne- 
painted  cavalier  would  do  it  in  that  way.  And  look  at 
the  lady's  hand.  Who  ever  saw  a  hand  of  that  size  be 
fore  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  unclasping  the  hands  which  she  had 
folded  at  her  waist  and  putting  one  of  them  out  to  take 
up  the  fan:  "You  said  vou  were  not  criticising  the 
fan." 

Campbell,  quickly  seizing  the  hand  with  the  fan  in 
it:  "Ah,  I'm  wrong!  Here's  another  one  no  bigger. 
Let  me  see  which  is  the  largest." 

Mrs.  Somers,  struggling  not  very  violently  to  free  her 
hand:  "Mr.  Campbell!" 

50 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Campbell:  "  Don't  take  it  away !  Yon  must  listen  to 
me  now,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers,  rising  abruptly,  and  dropping  her  fan 
as  she  comes  forward  to  meet  an  elderly  gentleman  ar 
riving  from  the  landing :  "  Mr.  Bends !  How  very 
heroic  of  you  to  come  such  a  day !  Isn't  it  too  bad  ?" 


II 


ME.  BEMIS;  MRS.  SOMERS;  ME.  WILLIS 
CAMPBELL 

Bemis:  "Not  if  it  makes  me  specially  welcome, 
Mrs.  Somers."  Discovering  Campbell :  "  Oh,  Mr. 
Campbell!" 

Campbell,  striving  for  his  self-possession  as  they 
shake  hands :  "  Yes,  another  hero,  Mr.  Bemis.  Mrs. 
Somers  is  going  to  brevet  everybody  who  comes  to-day. 
— She  didn't  say  heroes  to  me,  but — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  shall  have  your  tea  at  once, 
Mr.  Bemis."  She  rings.  "  I  was  making  Mr.  Camp 
bell  wait  for  his.  You  don't  order  up  the  teapot  for 
one  hero." 

Bemis:  "Ha,  ha,  ha!  !Nb,  indeed!  But  Pm  very 
glad  you  do  for  two.  The  fact  is  " — rubbing  his  hands 
— "  Pm  half  frozen." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Is  it  so  very  cold?"  To  Campbell, 
who  presents  her  fan  with  a  bow :  "  Oh,  thank  you." 
To  Mr.  Bemis :  "  Mr.  Campbell  has  just  been  objecting 
to  my  fan.  He  doesn't  like  its  being  hand-painted,  as 
he  calls  it." 

Bemis:  "That  reminds  me  of  a  California  gentle 
man  whom  I  found  looking  at  an  Andrea  del  Sarto  in 
the  Pitti  Palace  at  Florence  one  day  —  by-the-way, 
you've  been  a  Californian,  too,  Mr.  Campbell ;  but  you 
won't  mind.  He  seemed  to  be  puzzled  over  it,  and  then 

52 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

he  said  to  me — I  was  standing  near  him — '  Hand-paint 
ed,  I  presume  ?' ' 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Ah!  ha,  ha,  ha!  How  very  good!" 
To  the  maid,  who  appears :  "  The  tea,  Lizzie." 

Campbell:  "You  don't  think  he  was  joking?" 

Bemis,  with  misgiving :  "  Why,  no,  it  never  occurred 
to  me  that  he  was." 

Campbell:  "You  can't  always  tell  when  a  Cali- 
fornian's  joking." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  insinuation :  "  Can't  you  ?  Not 
even  adoptive  ones  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Adoptive  ones  never  joke." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Not  even  about  hand-painted  fans? 
What  an  interesting  fact!"  She  sits  down  on  the 
sofa,  behind  the  little  table  on  which  the  maid  ar 
ranges  the  tea  and  pours  out  a  cup.  Then,  with 
her  eyes  on  Mr.  Bemis:  "Cream  and  sugar  both? 
Yes  ?"  Holding  a  cube  of  sugar  in  the  tongs :  "  How 
many  ?" 

Bemis:  "One,  please." 

Mrs.  Somers,  handing  it  to  him :  "  I'm  so  glad  you 
take  your  tea  au  naturel,  as  I  call  it." 

Campbell:  "What  do  you  call  it  when  they  don't 
take  it  with  cream  and  sugar  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Au  unnaturel.  There's  only  one 
thing  worse — taking  it  with  a  slice  of  lemon  in  it.  You 
might  as  well  draw  it  from  a  bothersome  samovar  at 
once  and  be  done  with  it." 

Campbell:  "  The  samovar  is  picturesque." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "It  is  insincere.  Like  Calif ornians. 
Natives." 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  can  think  of  something  much 
worse  than  tea  with  lemon  in  it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "What?" 

Campbell:  "  No  tea  at  all." 

53 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Mrs.  Somers,  recollecting  herself :  "  Oh,  poor  Mr. 
Campbell!  Two  lumps?" 

Campbell:  "One,  thank  you.  Your  pity  is  so 
sweet !" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  You  ought  to  have  thought  of  the 
milk  of  human  kindness  and  spared  my  cream-jug,  too." 

Campbell:  "You  didn't  pour  out  your  compassion 
soon  enough." 

Bemis,  who  has  been  sipping  his  tea  in  silent  ad 
miration  :  "  Are  you  often  able  to  keep  it  up  in  that 
way  ?  I  was  fancying  myself  at  the  theatre." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  don't  encore  us !  Mr.  Camp 
bell  would  keep  saying  his  things  over  indefinitely." 

Campbell,  presenting  his  cup :  "  Another  lump.  It's 
turned  bitter.  Two!" 

Bemis :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha !  Very  good — very  good,  in 
deed!" 

Campbell:  "  Thank  you  kindly,  Mr.  Bemis." 

Mrs.  Somers,  greeting  the  new  arrivals,  and  leaning 
forward  to  shake  hands  with  them  as  they  come  up  with 
out  rising :  "  Mrs.  Roberts !  How  very  good  of  you ! 
And  Mr.  Eoberts !" 


Ill  , 

ME.  AND  MES.  EOBEETS  AND  THE  OTHEES 

Roberts:  "  Not  at  all." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Of  course  we  were  coming." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Will  you  have  some  tea  ?  You  see 
I'm  installed  already.  Mr.  Campbell  was  so  greedy  he 
wouldn't  wait." 

Campbell:  "  Mr.  Bemis  and  I  are  here  in  the  charac 
ter  of  heroes,  and  we  had  to  have  our  tea  at  once.  You're 
a  hero  too,  Roberts,  though  you  don't  look  it.  Any  one 
who  comes  to  tea  in  such  weather  is  a  hero  or  a — " 

Mrs.  SomerS;  interrupting  him  with  a  little  shriek: 
"  Ugh !  How  hot  that  handle's  getting !" 

Campbell:  "Ah,  I  dare  say.  Let  me  turn  out  my 
sister's  cup."  Pouring  out  the  tea  and  handing  it  to 
Mrs.  Roberts.  "  I  don't  see  how  you  could  reconcile  it 
to  your  ~No.  Eleven  conscience  to  leave  your  children  in 
such  a  snow-storm  as  this,  Agnes." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  in  vague  alarm :  "  Why,  what  in  the 
world  could  happen  to  them,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  nothing  to  them.  But  suppose  Rob 
erts  got  snowed  under.  Have  some  tea,  Roberts  ?"  He 
offers  to  pour  out  a  cup. 

Mrs.  Somers,,  dispossessing  him  of  the  teapot  with 
dignity:  "Thank  you,  Mr.  Campbell;  I  will  pour  out 
the  tea." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  very  well.  I  thought  the  handle 
was  hot." 

55 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  It's  cooler  now." 

Campbell:  "  And  you  won't  let  me  help  you?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  When  there  are  more  people  you  may 
hand  the  tea." 

Campbell:  "I  wish  I  knew  just  how  much  that 
meant." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Very  little.  As  little  as  an  adoptive 
Californian  in  his  most  earnest  mood."  While  they  talk 
— Campbell  bending  over  the  teapot,  on  which  Mrs. 
Somers  keeps  her  hand — the  others  form  a  little  group 
apart. 

Bemis,  to  Mrs.  Eoberts :  "  I  hope  Mr.  Koberts'  dis 
tinguished  friend  won't  give  us  the  slip  on  account  of 
the  storm." 

Roberts:  "  Oh  no ;  he'll  be  sure  to  come.  He  may  be 
late.  But  he's  the  most  amiable  of  Englishmen,  and  I 
know  he  won't  disappoint  Mrs.  Somers." 

Bemis:  "  The  most  unamiable  of  Englishmen 
couldn't  do  that." 

Roberts:  "Ah,  I  don't  know.  Did  you  meet  Mr. 
Pogis?" 

Bemis:  "  No ;  what  did  he  do  ?" 

Roberts:  "  Why,  he  came — to  the  Hibbens'  dinner — 
in  a  sack  coat." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  I  thought  it  was  a  cardigan  jacket." 

Bemis:  "I  heard  a  Norfolk  jacket  and  knicker 
bockers." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Ah,  there  is  Mrs.  Curwen!"  To 
Campbell,  aside:  "  And  without  her  husband!" 

Campbell:  "Or  any  one  else's  husband!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  For  shame!" 

Campbell:  "  You  began  it." 

Mrs,  Sowers  to  Mrs.  Curwen,  who  approaches  her 
sofa :  "  You  are  kindness  itself,  Mrs.  Curwen,  to  come 

on  such  a  day."    The  ladies  press  each  other's  hands. 

56 


IV 

MES.  CURWEN  AND  THE  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  You  are  goodness  in  person,  Mrs. 
Somers,  to  say  so." 

Campbell:  "  And  I  am  magnanimity  embodied.  Let 
me  introduce  myself,  Mrs.  Curwen!"  He  bows,  and 
Mrs.  Curwen  deeply  courtesies. 

Mrs.  Curwew :  "  I  should  never  have  known  you." 

Campbell,  melodramatically,  to  Mrs.  Somers :  "  Tea, 
ho !  for  Mrs.  Curwen — impenetrably  disguised  as  kind 
ness." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  What  shall  I  say  to  him  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  pouring  the  tea :  "  Anything  you  like, 
Mrs.  Curwen.  Aren't  we  to  see  Mr.  Curwen  to-day  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen.  taking  her  tea :  "  No,  I'm  his  insuf 
ficient  apology.  He's  detained  at  his  office — business." 

Campbell:  "  Then,  you  see,  they  don't  all  come,  Mrs. 
Somers." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "All  what?" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,   all  the — heroes." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Is  that  what  he  was  going  to  say, 
Mrs.  Somers  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  never  can  tell  what  he's  going 
to  say." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "I  should  think  you  would  be  afraid 
of  him." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  a  little  shrug :  "  Oh  no ;  he's  quite 

harmless.     It's  just  a  little  wav  he  has."     To  Mr.  and 

57 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Mrs.  Miller,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Alfred  Bemis,  and  Doctor 
Lawton,  who  all  appear  together :  "Ah,  how  do  you  do  ? 
So  glad  to  see  you !  So  very  kind  of  you !  I  didn't  sup 
pose  you  would  venture  out.  And  you  too,  Doctor?" 
She  begins  to  pour  out  tea  for  them,  one  after  another, 
with  great  zeal. 


DOCTOR  LAWTON,  MR.  AND  MRS.  MILLER,  YOUNG 
MR.   AND   MRS.   BEMIS,   AND  THE  OTHERS 

Doctor  Lawton:  "  Yes,  I  too.  It  sounded  very  much 
as  if  I  were  Brutus  also."  He  stirs  his  tea  and  stares 
round  at  the  company.  "  It  seems  to  me  that  I  have 
met  these  conspirators  before.  That's  what  makes  Bos 
ton  insupportable.  You're  always  meeting  the  same 
people!" 

Campbell:  "  We  all  feel  it  as  keenly  as  you  do, 
Doctor." 

Lawton,  looking  sharply  at  him :  "  Oh !  you  here  ? 
I  might  have  expected  it.  Where  is  your  aunt  ?" 


VI 

MRS.  CEASHAW  AND  THE  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Crashaw,  appearing :  "  If  you  mean  me,  Doc 
tor  Lawton — " 

Lawton:  "  I  do,  my  dear  friend.  What  company  is 
complete  without  you  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  reaching  forward  to  take  her  hand, 
while  with  her  disengaged  hand  she  begins  to  pour  her 
a  cup  of  tea :  "  None  in  my  house." 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  Very  pretty."  Taking  her  tea. 
"  I  hope  it  isn't  complete,  either,  without  the  English 
painter  you  promised  us." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "No,  indeed!  And  a  great  many 
other  people  besides.  But  haven't  you  met  him  yet  ? 
I  supposed  Mrs.  Roberts — " 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Oh,  I  don't  go  to  all  of  Agnes' 
fandangoes.  I  was  to  have  seen  him  at  Mrs.  Wheeler's 
— he  is  being  asked  everywhere,  of  course — but  he  didn't 
come.  He  sent  his  father  and  mother  instead.  They 
were  very  nice  old  people,  but  they  hadn't  painted  his 
pictures." 

Lawton:  "  They  might  say  his  pictures  would  never 
have  been  painted  without  them." 

Bemis:  "  It  was  like  Heine's  going  to  visit  Rachel 
by  appointment.  She  wasn't  in,  but  her  father  and 
mother  were;  and  when  he  met  her  afterward  he  told 
her  that  he  had  just  come  from  a  show  where  he  had 

seen  a  curious  monster  advertised  for  exhibition — the 

60 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

offspring  of  a  hare  and  a  salmon.  The  monster  was  not 
to  be  seen  at  the  moment,  but  the  showman  said  here 
was  monsieur  the  hare  and  madame  the  salmon." 

Mrs.    Roberts:    "What   in   the   world   did   Kachel 


Lawton:  "  Ah,  that's  what  these  brilliant  anecdotes 
never  tell.  And  I  think  it  would  be  very  interesting  to 
know  what  the  victim  of  a  witticism  has  to  say." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  should  think  you  would  know  very 
often,  Doctor." 

Lawton:  "Ah,  now  I  should  like  to  know  what  the 
victim  of  a  compliment  says !" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  He  bows  his  thanks."  Doctor  Law- 
ton  makes  a  profound  obeisance,  to  which  Mrs.  Curwen 
responds  in  burlesque. 

Miller:  "  We  all  envy  you,  Doctor." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  Oh  yes.  Mrs.  Curwen  never  makes  a 
compliment  without  meaning  it." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  can't  say  that  quite,  my  dear.  I 
should  be  very  sorry  to  mean  all  the  civil  things  I  say. 
But  I  never  flatter  gentlemen  of  a  certain  age." 

Mrs.  Miller.,  tittering  ineffectively :  "  I  shall  know 
what  to  say  to  Mr.  Miller  after  this." 

Mrs.  CrasJiaw :  "  Well,  if  you  haven't  got  the  man, 
Mrs.  Somers,  you  have  got  his  picture,  haven't  you  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes;  it's  on  my  writing-desk  in  the 
library.  Let  me — " 

Lawton:  "  ~No7  no;  don't  disturb  yourself!  We  wish 
to  tear  it  to  pieces  without  your  embarrassing  presence. 
Will  you  take  my  arm,  Mrs.  Crashaw  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "  Oh,  let  us  all  go  and  see  it!" 

Roberts:  "Aren't  you  coming,  Willis?" 

Campbell,  without  looking  round :  "  Thank  you,  I've 
seen  it." 

Mrs.   Somers,  whom   the  withdrawal   of  her  other 

61 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

guests  has  left  alone  with  him :  "  How  could  you  tell 
such  a  fib  f " 

Campbell:  "  I  could  tell  much  worse  fibs  than  that 
in  such  a  cause." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  What  cause  ?" 

Campbell:  "A  lost  one,  I'm  afraid.  Will  you  an 
swer  my  question,  Amy  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Did  you  ask  me  any?" 

Campbell:  "You  know  I  did — before  those  people 
came  in." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  that!  Yes.  I  should  like  to  ask 
you  a  question  first." 

Campbell:  "  Twenty,  if  you  like." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Why  do  you  feel  authorized  to  call 
me  by  my  first  name  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Because  I  love  you.  Now  will  you  an 
swer  me  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  dreamily :  "  I  didn't  say  I  would,  did 
I?" 

Campbell,  rising  sadly :  "  'JSTo." 

Mrs.  Somers,  mechanically  taking  the  hand  he  offers 
her:  "Oh!  What—" 

Campbell:  "I'm  going:  that's  all." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  So  soon?" 

Campbell:  "  Yes;  but  I'll  try  to  make  amends  by  not 
coming  back  soon — or  at  all." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  You  mustn't." 

Campbell:  "  Mustn't  what  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  mustn't  keep  my  hand.  Here 
come  some  more  people.  Ah,  Mrs.  Canfield!  Miss 
Bayly !  So  very  nice  of  you,  Mrs.  Wharton !  Will  you 
have  some  tea  ?" 


VII 


MRS.  CAMPBELL,  MISS  BAYLY,  MRS.  WHABTON, 
AND  THE  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Wharton:  "  ~No,  thank  you.  The  only  objection 
to  afternoon  tea  is  the  tea." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I'm  so  glad  you  don't  mind  the 
weather."  With  her  hand  on  the  teapot,  glancing  up 
at  Miss  Bayly :  "  And  do  you  refuse,  too  ?" 

Miss  Bayly :  "  I  can  answer  for  Mrs.  Canfield  that 
she  doesn't,  and  I  never  do.  We  object  to  the  weather." 

Mrs.  Somers,  pouring  a  cup  of  tea :  "  That  makes  it 
a  little  more  difficult.  I  can  keep  from  offering  Mrs. 
Wharton  some  tea,  but  I  can't  stop  its  snowing." 

Miss  Bayly,  taking  her  cup :  "  But  you're  so  amiable ; 
we  know  you  would  if  you  could,  and  that's  quite 
enough.  We're  not  the  first  and  only,  are  we  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Dear,  no !  There  are  multitudes  of 
flattering  spirits  in  the  library,  stopping  the  mouth  of 
my  portrait  with  pretty  speeches." 

Miss  Bayly,  vividly :  "  Not  your  Bramford  portrait  f 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  My  Bramford  portrait." 

Miss  Bayly  to  the  other  ladies :  "  Oh,  let  us  go  and 
see  it,  too !"  They  flutter  out  of  the  drawing  -  room, 
where  Mrs.  Somers  and  Campbell  remain  alone  to 
gether  as  before.  He  continues  silent,  while  she  waits 
for  him  to  speak. 

63 


VIII 

MRS.  SOMERS;  MR.  CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Somers,  finally :  "  Well  ?" 

Campbell:  "Well,  what?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Nothing.     Only  I  thought  you  were 

— you  were  going  to — ' 

Campbell:  "]STo;  Fve  got  nothing  to  say." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I  didn't  mean  that,     I  thought  you 

were  going  to — go."     She  puts  up  her  hand  and  hides 

a  triumphant  little  smile  with  it, 

Campbell:  "  Very  well,  then,  I'll  go,  since  you  wish 

it."    He  holds  out  his  hand. 

Mrs.    Somers,  putting    hers    behind    her :    "  You've 

shaken  hands  once.     Besides,  who  said  I  wished  you 

to  go?" 

Campbell:  "  Do  you  wish  me  to  stay  ?" 
Mrs.  Somers:  "  I  wish  you  to — hand  tea  to  people." 
Campbell:  "  And  you  won't  say  anything  more?" 
Mrs.  Somers:  "  It  seems  to  me  that's  enough." 
Campbell:  "It  isn't  enough  for  me.     But  I  suppose 

beggars  mustn't  be  choosers.    I  can't  stay  merely  to  hand 

tea  to  people,  however.     You  can  say  yes  or  no  now, 

Amy,  as  well  as  any  other  time." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Well,  no,  then — if  you  wish  it  so 

much." 

Cam.pbell:  "  You  know  I  don't  wish  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  gave  me  my  choice.     I  thought 

you  were  indifferent  about  the  word." 

64 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Campbell:  "  You  know  better  than  that,  'Amy." 
Mrs.  Somers:  "  Amy  again !    Aren't  you  a  little  pre 
vious,  Mr.  Campbell  ?" 

Campbell,  with  a  sigh:  "  Ah,  that's  for  you  to  say." 
Mrs.  Somers:  "  Wouldn't  it  be  impolite  ?" 
Campbell:  "  Oh,  not  for  you." 

Mrs.   Somers:  "  If  you're   so   sarcastic  I   shall  be 
afraid  of  you." 

Campbell:  "Under  what  circumstances?" 
Mrs.  Somers,  dropping  her  eyes :  "  I  don't  know." 
He  makes  a  rush  upon  her.     "  Oh !  here  comes  Mrs. 
Curwen !    Shake  hands,  as  if  you  were  going." 


IX 

MKS.  CUKWEN;  MES.  SOMERS;  MR  CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  What!  is  Mr.  Campbell  going,  too?'7 
Mrs.  Somers :  "  Too  ?     You're  not  going,  Mrs.  Cur- 
wen?" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  Yes,  I'm  going.  The  likeness  is 
perfect,  Mrs.  Somers.  It's  a  speaking  likeness,  if  there 
ever  was  one." 

Campbell:  "Did  it  do  all  the  talking?" 
Mrs.  Curwen :  "  It  would — if  Mrs.  Roberts  and  Doc 
tor  Lawton  hadn't  been  there.     Well,  I  must  go." 
Campbell:  "  So  must  I." 
Mrs.  Somers,  in  surprise :  "  Must  you  ?" 
Campbell:  "Yes;  these  drifts  will  be  over  my  ears 
directly." 

'Mrs.  Curwen:  "  You  poor  man !  You  don't  mean,  to 
say  you're  walking?" 

Campbell:  "  I  shall  be,  in  about  half  a  minute." 
Mrs.  Curwen:  "  Indeed  you  shall  not !    You  shall  be 
driving — with  me.     I've  a  vacancy  in  the  coupe,  and 
I'll  set  you  down  wherever  you  like." 
Campbell:  "  Won't  it  crowd  you  ?" 
Mrs.  Curwen:  "  Not  at  all." 
Campbell:  "  Or  incommode  you  in  any  way?" 
Mrs.  Curwen:  "  It  will  oblige  me  in  every  way." 
Campbell:  "  Then  I  will  go,  and  a  thousand  thanks. 
Good-bye  again,  Mrs.  Somers." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Good-bye,  Mrs.  Somers.    Poor  Mrs. 

66 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Somers!  It  seems  too  bad  to  leave  you  here  alone, 
bowed  in  an  elegiac  attitude  over  your  tea-urn." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Oh,  not  at  all!  Kemember  me  to 
Mr.  Curwen." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  I  will.     Well,  Mr.  Campbell—" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Mr.  Campbell — " 

Campbell:  "Well?" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  To  which?" 

Campbell:  "Both." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Neither!" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "Ah!  ha,  ha,  ha!  Mr.  Campbell,  do 
you  know  much  about  women  ?" 

Campbell:  "  I  had  a  mother." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Oh,  a  mother  won't  do." 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  have  an  only  sister  who  is  a 
woman." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  A  sister  won't  do,  either — not  your 
own.  You  can't  learn  a  woman's  meaning  in  that  way." 

Campbell:  "  I  will  sit  at  your  feet,  Mrs.  Curwen,  if 
you'll  instruct  me." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  I  shall  be  delighted.  I'll  begin  now. 
Oh,  you  needn't  really  prostrate  yourself!"  She  stops 
him  in  a  burlesque  attempt  to  do  so.  "  And  I'll  con 
centrate  the  wisdom  of  the  whole  first  lesson  in  a  single 
word." 

Campbell,  with  clasped  hands  of  entreaty:  "  Speak, 
blessed  ghost!" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  Stay!  Ah!  ha,  ha,  ha!"  She  flies 
at  Mrs.  Somers  and  kisses  her.  "  You  can't  say  I'm  ill- 
natured,  my  dear,  whatever  I  am !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  pursuing  her  exit  with  the  word :  "  No, 
merely  atrocious."  A  pause  ensues,  in  which  Campbell 
stands  irresolute. 


X 

MBS.  SOMERS;  MR.  CAMPBELL 

Campbell,  finally:  "  Did  you  wish  me  to  stay,  Amy  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  airily :  "  I  ?  Oh  no !  It  was  Mrs.  Cur- 
wen." 

Campbell:  "  Then  I  think  I'll  accept  her  kind  offer 
of  a  seat  in  her  coupe." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh !  I  thought,  of  course,  you'd  stay 
— at  her  request." 

Campbell:  "  No;  I  shall  only  stay  at  yours." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  And  I  shall  not  ask  you.  In  fact,  I 
warn  you  not  to." 

Campbell:  "Why?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Because,  if  you  urge  me  to  speak 
now,  I  shall  say— 

Campbell:  "  I  wasn't  going  to  urge  you." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  No  matter!  I  shall  say  it  now  with 
out  being  urged.  Yes,  I've  made  up  my  mind.  I  can't 
marry  a  flirt." 

Campbell:  "I  can,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Sir!" 

Campbell:  "  You  know  very  well  you  sent  those  peo 
ple  into  the  other  room  to  keep  me  here  and  torment 


me—" 


Mrs.  Somers:  "  Now  you've  insulted  me,  and  all  is 
over." 

Campbell:  " — to  tantalize  me  with  your  loveliness, 

your  beauty,  your  grace,  Amy !" 

68 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Mrs.  Somers,  softening :  "  Oh,  that's  all  very  well — " 

Campbell:  "I'm  glad  you  like  it.  I  could  go  on 
at  much  greater  length.  But  you  know  I  love  you 
dearly,  Amy,  and  why  should  you  delight  in  my 
agonies?  But  only  marry  me,  and  you  shall  delight 
in  them  as  long  as  you  live,  and — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  must  hold  me  very  cheap  to 
think  I  would  take  you  from  that  creature." 

Campbell:  "Confound  her!  I  wasn't  hers  to  give. 
I  offered  myself  first." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  She  offered  you  last,  and — no,  thank 
you,  please." 

Campbell:  "Do  you  really  mean  it?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  shall  not  say.  Or,  yes,  I  will 
say.  If  that  woman,  who  seems  to  have  you  at  her 
beck  and  call,  had  not  intermeddled,  I  might  have  made 
you  a  very  different  answer.  But  now  my  eyes  are 
opened,  and  I  see  what  I  should  have  to  expect,  and— 
no,  thank  you,  please." 

Campbell:  "  And  if  she  hadn't  offered  me — " 

Mrs.  Somers,,  drawing  out  her  handkerchief  and 
putting  it  to  her  eyes :  "  I  was  feeling  kindly  tow 
ard  you — I  was  such  a  little  fool — " 

Campbell:  "Amy!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  And  you  knew  how  much  I  disliked 
her." 

Campbell:  "  Yes,  I  saw  by  the  way  you  kissed  each 
other." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Nonsense!  You  knew  that  meant 
nothing.  But  if  it  had  been  anybody  else  in  the 
world  but  her,  I  shouldn't  have  minded  it.  And 
now — " 

Campbell:  "Now—" 

Mrs.  Somers:  " — now  all  those  geese  are  coming 
back  from  the  other  room,  and  they'll  see  that  I've  been 

69 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

crying,  and  everybody  will  know  everything.  Wil 
lis—7' 

Campbell:  "Willis?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Let  me  go!  I  must  bathe  my  eyes! 
You  stay  here  and  receive  them !  I'll  be  back  at  once !" 
She  escapes  from  the  arms  stretched  toward  her,  and 
out  of  the  door,  just  before  her  guests  enter  from  the 
library,  and  Campbell  remains  to  receive  them.  The 
ladies,  in  returning,  call  over  one  another's  heads  and 
shoulders. 


XI 

ME.  CAMPBELL  AND  THE  OTHEKS 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Amy,  it's  lovely!  But  it  doesn't 
half  do  you  justice." 

Young  Mrs.  Bemis :  "  It's  too  sweet  for  anything, 
Mrs.  Somers." 

Mrs.  CrasJiaiv:  "Why  did  you  let  the  man  put  you 
into  that  ridiculous  seventeenth-century  dress  ?  Can't 
he  paint  a  modern  frock  ?" 

Mrs.  Wharton:  "But  what  exquisite  coloring,  Mrs. 
Somers !" 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  He's  got  just  your  lovely  turn  of  the 
head." 

Miss  Bayly :  "  And  the  way  you  hold  your  fan — 
what  character  he's  thrown  into  it!" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  that  fall  of  the  skirt,  'Amy; 
that  skirt  is  full  of  character!"  She  discovers  Mr. 
Camphell  behind  the  tea-urn.  He  has  Mrs.  Somers' 
light  wrap  on  his  shoulders  and  her  fan  in  his  hand, 
and  he  alternately  hides  his  blushes  with  it  and  coquet- 
tishly  folds  and  pats  his  mouth  in  a  gross  caricature 
of  Mrs.  Somers'  manner.  In  rising  he  twitches  his 
coat  forward  in  a  similar  burlesque  of  a  lady's  man 
agement  of  her  skirt.  "  Why,  where  is  Amy,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Gone  a  moment.  Some  trouble  about 
— the  hot  water." 

Lawton :  "  Hot  water  that  you've  been  getting  into  ? 
Ah,  young  man,  look  me  in  the  eye !" 

71 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Campbell:  "Your  glass  one,  Doctor?" 

Young  Mr.  Bemis:  "  Why,  my  dear,  has  your  father 
got  a  glass  eye  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "Of  course  he  hasn't!  What  an  idea! 
I  don't  know  what  Mr.  Campbell  means." 

Lawton:  "  I've  no  doubt  he  wishes  I  had  a  glass 
eye — two  of  them,  for  that  matter.  But  that  isn't  an 
swering  my  question.  Where  is  Mrs.  Somers  ?" 

Campbell:  "  That  was  my  sister's  question,  and  I 
did  answer  it.  Have  some  tea,  ladies?  I'm  glad  you 
like  my  portrait,  and  that  you  think  he's  got  my  love 
ly  turn  of  the  head,  and  the  way  I  hold  my  fan,  and 
the  character  of  my  skirt;  but  I  agree  with  you  that 
it  isn't  half  as  pretty  as  I  am." 

The  Ladies:  "Oh,  what  shall  we  do  to  him?  Pre 
scribe  for  us,  Doctor." 

Campbell:  "  "No,  no!  I  want  the  Doctor's  services 
myself.  I  don't  want  him  to  give  me  his  medicines.  I 
want  him  to  give  me  away." 

Lawton:  "You're  tired  of  giving  yourself  away, 
then?" 

Campbell:  "It's  of  no  use.     They  won't  have  me." 

Lawton:  "Who  won't?" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  I'll  leave  Mrs.  Somers  to  say." 


XII 

MRS.  SOMEKS  AND  THE  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Somers,  radiantly  reappearing :  "  Say  what  ?" 
She  has  hidden  the  traces  of  her  tears  from  every  one 
but  the  ladies  by  a  light  application  of  powder,  and 
she  knows  that  they  all  know  she  has  been  crying,  and 
this  makes  her  a  little  more  smiling.  "  Say  what  ?" 
She  addresses  the  company  in  general  rather  than 
Campbell. 

Campbell,  with  caricatured  tenderness :  "  Say  yes." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "What  does  he  mean,  Doctor?" 

Lawton:  "  Oh,  I'm  afraid  he's  past  all  surgery.  I 
give  him  over  to  you,  Mrs.  Somers." 

Campbell:  "  There,  now.  She  wasn't  the  last  to  do 
it!" 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  the  resolution  of  a  widow :  "  Well, 
I  suppose  there's  nothing  else  for  it,  then.  I'll  see 
what  can  be  done  for  your  patient,  Doctor."  She  passes 
her  hand  through  Campbell's  arm  where  he  continues 
to  stand  behind  the  tea-table. 

Mrs.  Roberts,  falling  upon  her  and  kissing  her: 
"  Amy,  you  don't  mean  it !" 

Mrs.  Bemis,  embracing  her  in  turn :  "  I  never  can 
believe  it." 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "It  is  ridiculous!     What!    Willis?" 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  It  does  seem  too  nice  to  be  true." 

Bemis:  "You  astonish  us!" 

Roberts:  "  We  never  should  have  dreamed  of  it." 

73 


FIVE-O'CLOCK    TEA 

Young  Mr.  Bemis:  "  You  must  give  us  time  to 
realize  it." 

Mrs.  Wharton:  "Is  it  possible?" 

Miss  Bayly:  "  Is  it  possible  ?"  They  all  shake  hands 
with  Mrs.  Somers  in  turn. 

Roberts:  "Isn't  this  rather  sudden,  Willis?" 

Campbell:  "Well,  it  is — for  Mrs.  Somers,  perhaps. 
But  Fve  found  it  awfully  gradual." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nonsense !  It's  an  old  story  for 
both  of  us." 

Campbell:  "Well,  what  I  like  about  it  is,  it's  true. 
Founded  on  fact !" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  I  can't  believe  it!" 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  don't  know  whom  all  this 
charming  incredulity's  intended  to  flatter;  but  if  it's 
I,  I  say  no,  not  really  at  all !  It's  merely  a  little  coup 
de  theatre  we've  been  arranging." 

Lawton,  patting  him  on  the  shoulder :  "  One  ahead, 
as  usual." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  thank  you,  Doctor !  There  are 
two  of  us  ahead  now." 

Lawton:  "I  believe  you,  at  any  rate.  Bravo!"  He 
initiates  an  applause  in  which  all  the  rest  join,  while 
Campbell  catches  up  Mrs.  Somers'  fan  and  unfurls  it 
before  both  their  faces. 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

I 

MKS.    SOMERS;    ME.    CAMPBELL 

~LN  her  drawing-room,  Mrs.  Amy  Somers,  young, 
pretty,  stylish,  in  the  last  evanescent  traces  of  widow 
hood,  stands  confronting  Mr.  Willis  Campbell.  She 
has  a  newspaper  in  her  hand,  folded  to  the  width  of  a 
single  column,  which  she  extends  toward  him  with  an 
effect  of  indignant  menace. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Then  you  acknowledge  that  it  is 
yours  ?" 

Campbell:  "I  acknowledge  that  I  made  a  speech 
before  the  legislative  committee  on  behalf  of  the  anti- 
suffragists.  You  knew  I  was  going  to  do  that.  I  don't 
know  how  they've  reported  it." 

Mrs.  Somers  f  with  severity :  "  Very  well,  then ;  I  will 
read  it :  (  Willis  Campbell,  Esq.,  was  next  heard  on 
behalf  of  the  petitioners.  He  touched  briefly  upon  the 
fact  that  the  suffrage  was  evidently  not  desired  by  the 
vast  majority  of  educated  women.' ' 

Campbell:  "You've  always  said  they  didn't  want 
it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "That  is  not  the  point."  Reading: 
"  '  And  many  of  them  would  feel  it  an  onerous  burden, 
and  not  a  privilege.' ' 

Campbell:  "  Well,  didn't  you—" 

77 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Don't  interrupt!"  Heading:  "'Which 
would  compel  them,  at  the  cost  of  serious  sacrifices,  to 
contend  at  the  polls  with  the  ignorant  classes  who  would 
be  sure  to  exercise  the  right  if  conferred.7 ' 

Campbell:  "  That  was  your  own  argument,  Amy. 
They're  almost  your  own  words." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  That  isn't  what  I  object  to."  Head 
ing  :  "  '  Mr.  Campbell  then  referred  in  a  more  humor 
ous  strain  to  the  argument,  frequently  used  by  the  suf 
fragists,  that  every  tax-payer  should  have  the  right  to 
vote.  He  said  that  he  objected  to  this,  because  it  im 
plied  that  non-tax-payers  should  not  have  the  right  to 
vote,  which  would  deprive  of  the  suffrage  a  large  body 
of  adoptive  citizens,  who  voted  at  all  the  elections  with 
great  promptness  and  assiduity.  He  thought  the  ex 
emption  of  women  from  some  duties  required  of  men 
by  the  State  fairly  offset  the  loss  of  the  ballot  in  their 
case,  and  that  until  we  were  prepared  to  send  ladies 
to  battle  we  ought  not  to  oblige  them  to  go  to  the  polls. 
Some  skirmishing  ensued  between  Mr.  Campbell  and 
Mr.  Wellington,  on  the  part  of  the  suffragists,  the 
latter  gentleman  affirming  that  in  great  crises  of  the 
world's  history  women  had  shown  as  much  courage  as 
men,  and  the  former  contending  that  this  did  not  at 
all  affect  his  position,  since  the  courage  of  women  was 
in  high  degree  a  moral  courage,  which  was  not  evoked 
by  the  ordinary  conditions  of  peace  or  war,  but  required 
the  imminence  of  some  extraordinary,  some  vital  emer 
gency.'  ' 

Campbell:  "Well,  what  do  you  object  to  in  all 
that?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  tossing  the  paper  on  the  table  and  con 
fronting  him  with  her  head  lifted  and  her  hands  clasped 
upon  her  left  side :  "  Everything !  It  is  an  insult  to 

78 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

Campbell:  "  Woman,  you  mean.  I  don't  think  wom 
en  would  mind  it.  Who's  been  talking  to  you,  Amy  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Nobody.  It  doesn't  matter  who's 
been  talking  to  me.  That  is  not  the  question." 

Campbell:  "It's  the  question  I  asked." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  It  isn't  the  question  I  asked.  I  wish 
simply  to  know  what  you  mean  by  that  speech." 

Campbell:  "  I  wish  you  knew  how  pretty  you  look 
in  that  dress."  Mrs.  Somers  involuntarily  glances 
down  at  the  skirt  of  it  on  either  side  and  rearranges 
it  a  little,  folding  her  hands  again  as  before.  "  But 
perhaps  you  do." 

Mrs.  Somers.,  with  dignity :  "  Will  you  answer  my 
question  ?" 

Campbell:  "Certainly.     I  meant  what  I  said." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Oh,  you  did!  Very  well,  then! 
When  a  woman  stands  by  the  bedside  of  her  sick 
child,  and  risks  her  life  from  contagion,  what  kind 
of  courage  do  you  call  that  ?" 

Campbell:  "Moral." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  And  when  she  remains  in  a  burning 
building  or  a  sinking  ship — as  they  often  do — and  per 
ishes,  while  her  child  is  saved,  what  kind  of  courage 
is  it?" 

Campbell:  "Moral." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  When  she  seizes  an  axe  and  defends 
her  little  ones  against  a  bear  or  a  wolf  that's  just  burst 
ing  in  the  cabin  door,  what  kind  of  courage  does  she 
show?" 

Campbell:  "Moral." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Or  when  her  babe  crawls  up  the 
track,  and  she  snatches  it  from  the  very  jaws  of  the 
cow-catcher — " 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  hold  on  now,  Amy !    Be  fair !    It's 

the  engineer  who  does  that:  he  runs  along  the  side  of 

79 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

the  locomotive,  and  catches  the  smiling  infant  up,  and 
lays  it  in  the  mother's  arms  as  the  train  thunders  by. 
His  name  is  usually  Hank  Rollins.  The  mother  is  al 
ways  paralyzed  with  terror." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Of  course  she  is.  But  in  those  other 
cases,  how  does  her  courage  differ  from  a  man's?  If 
hers  is  always  moral,  what  kind  of  courage  does  a 
man  show  when  he  faces  the  cannon  ?" 

Campbell:  "Immoral.  Come,  Amy,  are  you  try 
ing  to  prove  that  women  are  braver  than  men  ?  Well, 
they  are.  I  never  was  in  any  danger  yet  that  I  didn't 
wish  I  was  a  woman,  for  then  I  should  have  the  courage 
to  face  it,  or  else  I  could  turn  and  run  without  dis 
grace.  All  that  I  said  in  that  speech  was  that  women 
haven't  so  much  nerve  as  men." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  They  have  more." 

Campbell:  "Nerves — yes." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  No,  nerve.  Take  Dr.  Cissy  Gay, 
that  little,  slender,  delicate,  sensitive  thing:  what  do 
you  suppose  she  went  through  when  she  was  studying 
medicine,  and  walking  the  hospitals,  and  all  those  dis 
gusting  things?  And  Mrs.  J.  Plunkett  Harmon:  do 
you  mean  to  say  that  she  has  no  nerve,  facing  all  sorts 
of  audiences,  on  the  platform,  everywhere?  Or  Rev. 
Lily  Barber,  living  down  all  that  ridicule  and  going 
quietly  on  in  her  work — " 

Campbell:  "Oh,  they've  been  talking  to  you." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "They  have  not!  And  if  they  have, 
Dr.  Gay  is  as  much  opposed  to  suffrage  as  you  are." 

Campbell:  "As  I?    Aren't  you  opposed  to  it,  too?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Of  course  I  am.  Or  I  was  till  you 
made  that  speech." 

Campbell:  "It  wasn't  exactly  intended  to  convert 
you." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  It  has  placed  me  in  a  false  position. 

80 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 
Everybody  knows,  or  the  same  as  knows,  that  we're  en- 


Campbell:  "  Well,  I'm  not  ashamed  of  it,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers,  severely :  "  ^N"o  matter !  And  now  it 
will  look  as  if  I  had  no  ideas  of  my  own,  and  was  just 
swayed  about  any  way  by  you.  A  woman  is  despicable 
that  joins  with  men  in  ridiculing  women." 

Campbell:  "Who's  been  saying  that?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  E~o  one.  It  doesn't  matter  who's 
been  saying  it.  Mrs.  Mervane  has  been  saying  it." 

Campbell:  "Mrs.  Mervane?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes,  Mrs.  Mervane,  that  you're  al 
ways  praising  and  admiring  so  for  her  good  sense  and 
her  right  ideas.  Didn't  you  say  she  wrote  as  logically 
and  forcibly  as  a  man  ?" 

Campbell:  "Yes,  I  did." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Very  well,  then,  she  says  that  if 
anything  could  turn  her  in  favor  of  suffrage  it  is  that 
speech  of  yours.  She  says  it's  a  subtle  attack  upon  the 
whole  sex." 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  give  it  up!  You  are  all  alike. 
You  take  everything  personally,  in  the  first  place,  and 
then  you  say  it's  an  attack  on  all  women.  Couldn't  I 
make  this  right  by  publishing  a  card  to  acknowledge 
your  physical  courage  before  the  whole  community, 
Amy?  Then  your  friends  would  have  to  say  that  I 
had  recognized  the  pluck  of  universal  womanhood." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  !Nb,  sir ;  you  can't  make  it  right 
now.  And  I'm  sorry,  sorry,  sorry  I  signed  the  anti- 
suffrage  petition.  Nothing  will  ever  teach  men  to  ap 
preciate  women  till  women  practically  assert  them 
selves." 

Campbell:  "  That  sounds  very  much  like  another 
quotation,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "And  they  must  expect  to  be  treated 

6  81 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

as  cowards  till  they  show  themselves  heroes.  And  they 
must  first  of  all  have  the  ballot." 

Campbell:  "Oh!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes.  Then,  and  not  till  then,  men 
will  acknowledge  their  equality  in  all  that  is  admirable 
in  both.  Then  there  will  be  no  more  puling  insolence 
about  moral  courage  and  vital  emergencies  to  evoke  it." 

Campbell:  "I  don't  see  the  steps  to  this  conclu 
sion,  but  the  master-mind  of  Mrs.  J.  Plunkett  Har 
mon  reaches  conclusions  at  a  bound." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  It  wasn't  Mrs.  Harmon." 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  well,  'Rev.  Lily  Barber,  then.  You 
needn't  tell  me  you  originated  that  stuff,  Amy.  But 
I  submit  for  the  present.  Think  it  over,  my  dear,  and 
when  I  come  back  to-morrow — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Perhaps  you  had  better  not  come 
back  to-morrow." 

Campbell:  "Why?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Because — because  I'm  afraid  we  are 
not  in  sympathy.  Because  if  you  thought  that  I  needed 
some  vital  emergency  to  make  me  show  that  I  was  ready 
to  die  for  you  any  moment — " 

Campbell:  "Die  for  me?  I  want  you  to  live  for 
me,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers:  " — and  the  emergency  never  came, 
you  would  despise  me." 

Campbell:  "Never!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  If  you  have  such  a  low  opinion  of 
women  generally — " 

Campbell:  "  I  a  low  opinion  of  women!" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  said  they  were  cowards." 

CampbeU:  "I  didn't  say  they  were  cowards.  And 
if  T  set  med  to  say  so.  it  was  my  misfortune.  I  hon 
estly  and  truly  think,  Amy,  that  when  a  woman  is 
roused  she  isn't  afraid  of  anything  in  heaven  or  on — " 

82 


THE    MOUSE-TKAP 

He  stops  abruptly,  and  looks  toward  the  corner  of  the 
room. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "What  is  it?" 

Campbell:  "Oh,  nothing.  I  thought  I  saw  a 
mouse." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "A  mouse!"  She  flings  l^rself  upon 
him  and  clutches  him  with  convulsive  energy.  Then 
suddenly  freeing  him,  she  leaps  upon  a  chair  and  stoops 
over  to  hold  her  train  from  the  floor.  "  Oh,  drive  it 
out,  drive  it  out!  Don't  Mil  it.  Oh — e-e-e-e!  Drive 
it  out!  Oh,  what  shall  I  do ?  Oh,  Willis,  love,  jump 
on  a  chair!  Oh,  horrid  little  dreadful  reptile!  Oh, 
driw  it  out  1"  In  uttering  these  appeals  Mrs.  Somers 
alternately  looses  her  hold  upon  her  train  in  order  to 
clasp  her  face  in  her  hands,  and  then  uncovers  her  face 
to  seize  her  train.  "  Oh,  is  it  gone  ?  Come  here,  Wil 
lis,  and  let  me  hold  your  hand !  Or  no !  Drive  >,  drive 
it.  drive  it  out!" 

Campbell,  going  about  the  room  in  deliberate  ex 
amination  :  "  I  can't  find  it.  I  guess  it's  gone  into  its 
hole  again." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  No,  it  hasn't!  It  hasn't  got  any 
hole  here.  It  must  have  come  in  from  somewhere 
else.  Oh,  I  hope  I  shall  have  a  little  wisdom  some 
time,  and  never,  never,  never  have  cake  and  wine 
brought  into  the  drawing-room  again,  no  matter  how 
faint  with  walking  any  one  is.  Of  course  it  was  the 
smell  of  the  fruit  and  crumbs  attracted  it;  and  they 
might  just  as  well  take  the  horse-cars;  but  they  said 
they  had  walked  all  the  way  to  get  me  10  sign  the  suf 
frage  petition,  and  when  I  said  I'd  signed  the  anti- 
suffrage,  of  course  I  had  to  offer  them  something;  I 
couldn't  do  less.  Have  you  driven  it  out  ?" 

Campbell:  "  I've  done  my  best.  But  I  can't  find  it, 
and  I  can't  drive  it  out  till  I  do  find  it." 

83 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  It's  run  into  the  fireplace.  Rattle 
the  tongs !"  Campbell  goes  to  the  fireplace  and  rattles 
the  tongs  against  the  shovel,  Mrs.  Somers  meanwhile 
covering  her  face.  "  Ow — ugh — e-e-e-e !  Is  it  gone  ?" 
She  uncovers  her  eyes. 

Campbell:  "  It  never  was  there.'7 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Yes,  it  was,  Willis'.  Don't  tell  me  it 
wasn't !  Where  else  was  it  if  it  wrasn't  there  ?  Look 
under  that  book-table !" 

Campbell:  "  Which,  one?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  That  ->ne  with  the  shelf  coming 
down  almost  to  the  carpet.  Poke  under  it  with  the 
poker !"  As  Campbell  obeys  she  again  hides  her  face. 
"  U-u-u-gh !  Is  it  gone  now  ?" 

Campbell:  "It  wasn't  there." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Poke  hard !  Bang  against  the  mop- 
board!  Bang!" 

Campbell,  poking  and  banging:  "  There!  I  tell  you 
it  never  was  there." 

Mrs.  Somers,,  uncovering  her  face :  "  Oh,  what  shall 
I  do  ?  It  must  be  somewhere  in  the  room,  and  I  never 
can  breathe  till  you've  found  it.  Bang  again !" 

Campbell:  "  Nonsense !  It's  gone  long  ago.  Do  you 
suppose  a  mouse  of  any  presence  of  mind  or  self- 
respect  would  stay  here  after  all  this  uproar  ?"  He 
restores  the  tongs  to  their  stand  with  a  clash. 

Mrs.  Somers,  responsive  to  the  clash :  "  Ow !" 

Campbell,  advancing  toward  her  and  extending  his 
hand :  "  Come,  Amy ;  get  down  now.  I  must  be  going." 

Mrs.  Somers,  in  horror :  "  Get  down  ?     Going  ?" 

Campbell:  "Certainly.  I  can't  stay  here  all  day. 
I've  got  to  follow  that  mouse  out  into  the  street  and 
have  him  arrested.  It's  a  public  duty." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Don't  throw  ridicule  on  it!"     After 

a  moment :  "  You  know  I  can't  let  you  go  till  I've  seen 

84 


THE    MOUSE-TKAP 

that  mouse  leave  this  room.  Go  all  round  and  stamp 
in  the  corners."  .  She  covers  her  face  again.  "  Ugh !" 

Campbell:  "  How  are  you  going  to  see  him  leave  the 
room  if  you  won't  look  ?  He's  left  long  ago.  I  wouldn't 
stay  if  I  was  a  mouse.  And  I've  got  to  go,  anyway." 

Mrs.  Somers,  uncovering  her  face :  "  No !  I  beg,  I 
command  you  to  stay,  or  I  shall  never  get  out  of  this 
room  alive.  You  know  I  sha'n't."  A  ring  at  the  street 
door  is  heard.  "  Oh  dear,,  what  shall  I  do  ?  I've  told 
Jane  I  would  see  anybody  that  called,  and  now  I 
daren't  step  my  foot  to  the  floor!  What  shall  I  do f 

Campbell,,  with  authority :  "  You  must  get  down. 
There's  no  mouse  here,  I  tell  you;  and  if  people  come 
and  find  you  standing  on  a  chair  in  your  drawing- 
room,  what  will  they  think  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  can  kneel  on  it."  She  drops  to 
her  knees  on  the  chair.  "  There !" 

Campbell:  "That's  no  better.     It's  worse." 

Mrs.  Somers,  listening  to  the  party  at  the  door  below, 
which  the  maid  has  opened :  "  'Sh !  I  want  to  make 
out  who  it  is.  'Sh!  Yes — it  is!"  After  listening: 
"  Yes ;  it's  Mrs.  Miller  and  T.«  >n  Bemis  and  Mrs.  Cur- 
wen!  I  don't  see  how  they  happen  to  come  together, 
for  Mrp,  Miller  and  Mrs.  Curwen  perfectly  hate  each 
other.  Oh  yes!  I  know!  They're  all  on  the  way  to 
Mrs.  Ransom's  reception;  he's  showing  his  pictures  and 
e^me  of  her  things--  horrid  daubs;  I  don't  see  how  she 
can  have  the  face — and  they've  met  here  by  accident. 
'Sh!  She's  showing  them  into  the  reception-room. 
Yes,  that's  quite  right."  Mrs.  Somers  delivers  these 
sentences  in  a  piercing  whisper  of  extreme  volubility. 
"  Now,  as  soon  as  she  brings  up  their  cards,  I'll  say 
I'm  not  at  all  well — that  I'm  engaged — just  going  out. 
No,  that  won't  do.  I  must  be  sick.  Anything  else 

would  be  perfectly  insulting  after  saying  that  I  was  at 

85 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

home;  and  Jane  has  got  to  go  back  and  tell  them  she 
forgot  that  I  had  gone  to  bed  with  a  severe  headache." 
As  Jane  appears  at  the  drawing-room  door,  and  falters 
at  sight  of  Mrs.  Somers  kneeling  on  her  chair,  that  lady 
beckons  her  to  her,  frowning,  shaking  her  head,  and 
pressing  her  finger  on  her  lip  to  enforce  silence,  and 
takes  the  cards  from  her,  while  she  continues  in  whis 
per  :  u  Yes.  All  right,  Jane !  Go  straight  back  and 
tell  them  you  forgot  I  had  gone  to  bed  with  a  perfectly 
blinding  headache;  and  don't  let  another  soul  into  the 
house.  Mr.  Campbell  saw  a  mouse,  and  I  can't  get 
down  till  he's  caught  it.  Go !" 


II 


JANE;  MRS.  SOMERS;  ME.  CAMPBELL;  THEN  MRS. 
MILLER;  MRS.  CURWEN;  MRS.  EEillS 

Jane,  after  a  moment  of  petrification :  "  A  mouse ! 
In  the  room  here?  Oh,  mj  goodness  gracious  me!" 
She  leaps  upon  the  chair  next  to  Mrs.  Somers,  who 
again  springs  to  her  feet. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Did  you  see  it?    Oh,  c-o-o-c I" 

Jane :  "  W-o-o-o-o !  I  don't  know !  Where  was  it  ? 
Oh  yes,  I  thought — "  They  clutch  each  other  con 
vulsively  and  blend  their  cries,  at  the  sound  of  which 
the  ladies  in  the  reception-room  below  come  flocking  up 
stairs  into  the  drawing-room. 

The  Ladies,  at  sight  of  Mrs.  Somers  and  her  servant : 
"What  is  it?  What  is  it?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  there's  a  mouse  in  the  room. 
Oh,  jump  on  chairs !" 

Mrs.  Miller,  vaulting  into  the  middle  of  the  sofa: 
"A  mouse!" 

Mrs.  Lou  Bemis,  alighting  upon  a  slight  reception- 
chair  :  "  Oh,  not  in  this  room,  Mrs.  Somers !  Don't 
say  it!" 

Mrs.  Curwen,  with  a  laugh  of  mingled  terror  and 
enjoyment  from  the  top  of  the  table  where  she  finds 
herself:  "Where  is  it?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  don't  know.  I  didn't  see  it.  But, 
oh;  it's  here  somewhere.  Mr.  Campbell  saw  it,  and 
Jane  did  when  she  came  up  with  your  cards,  and  he's 

87 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

been  trying  to  drive  it  out,  but  he  can't  even  budge  it ; 
and—" 

Campbell,  desperately :  "  Ladies,  there  isn't  any 
mouse  here!  I've  been  racketing  round  here  with 
the  shovel  and  tongs  all  over  the  room,  and  the  mouse 
is  gone.  You  can  depend  upon  that.  You're  as  safe 
here  as  you  would  be  in  your  own  rooms." 

Mrs.  Somcrs:  "  How  can  you  say  such  a  thing?  !Nb, 
I  won't  be  responsible  if  anything  happens.  The  mouse 
is  in  this  room.  !N~o  one  has  seen  it  go  out,  and  it's  here 
still." 

Mrs.  BemiSj  balancing  herself  with  difficulty  on  her 
chair :  "  Oh  dear !  how  tippy  it  is !  I'm  sure  it's  going 
to  break." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Get  up  here  with  me,  Mrs.  Bemis. 
We  can  protect  each  other." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  You  would  both  fall  off.  Better  come 
here  on  the  sofa,  Mrs.  Bemis." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  The  mouse  could  run  up  that  otto 
man  sofa  as  easily  as  the  ground." 

Mrs.  Miller,  covering  her  face :  "  Oh,  how  can  you 
say  such  a  thing  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "  Oh,  I  know  I'm  going  to  fall!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Willis,  for  shame!     Help  her!" 

Campbell:  "  But  how — how  can  I  help — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Get  her  another  chair." 

Campbell:  "Oh!"  He  pushes  a  large  arm-chair 
toward  Mrs.  Bemis,  who  leaps  into  it  with  a  wild  cry, 
spurning  the  reception-chair  half  across  the  room  in  her 
flight. 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Oh,  thank  you,  thank  you,  Mr.  Camp 
bell  !  Oh,  I  shall  always  bless  you !" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Yes,  you  have  saved  all  our  lives. 
Where  there's  a  man,  I  don't  care  for  a  thousand  mice." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  Oh,  how  very  frank!" 

88 


THE    MOUSE-TKAP 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "Yes,  I'm  nothing  if  not  open- 
minded." 

Campbell,  surveying  her  with  amusement  and  inter 
est  :  "  I  don't  believe  you're  very  much  scared." 

Mrs.  Bcmis:  "  Oh  yes,  she  is,  Mr.  Campbell.  She 
keeps  up  that  way,  and  then  the  first  thing  she  faints." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  Not  on  centre  -  tables,  my  dear; 
there  isn't  room." 

Campbell,  with  increasing  fascination :  "  Why  don't 
you  get  down  and  set  the  rest  an  example  of 
courage." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  prefer  to  set  the  example  here ; 
it's  safer." 

Campbell:  "You  look  like  the  statue  of  some  god 
dess  on  her  altar — or  saint — 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Thank  you.  If  you  will  say  vic 
tim  I  will  agree  with  you.  Say  Iphigenia.  But  the 
others  are  too  much.  I  draw  the  line  at  goddesses  and 
saints." 

Campbell:  "And  you're  afraid  of  mice,  too?" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  To  be  sure  I  am." 

Campbell:  "Well,  there  is  no  mouse  down  here — 
nothing  but  a  miserable  man.  Now,  will  you  get 
down?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "'Mrs.  Curwen,  don't  think  of  it! 
He's  just  saying  it.  The  mouse  is  there."  To  Camp 
bell  :  "  You  are  placing  us  all  in  a  very  ridiculous  posi 
tion." 

Campbell:  "I  am  sorry  for  that;  I  am,  indeed.  I 
give  you  my  word  of  honor  that  I  don't  believe  there's 
any  mouse  in  the  room." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Jane  just  saw  it." 

Campbell:  "  She  Ihought  she  saw  it,  but  I  don't 
think  she  did.  A  lion  would  have  been  scared  out 
by  this  time."  A  ring  at  the  door  is  heard. 

89 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  There,  Jane,  there's  some  one  ring 
ing!  You  must  go  to  the  door." 

Jane,  throwing  her  apron  over  her  head :  "  Oh, 
please,  Mrs.  Somers,  I  can't  go!  I'm  so  afraid  of 
mice!" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nonsense !  You  must  go.  It's  per 
fectly  ridiculous  your  pretending  not." 

Jane:  "  Oh,  I  couldn't,  Mrs.  Somers!  I  was  always 
so  from  a  child.  I  can't  bear  'em." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  This  is  disgraceful.  Do  you  mean 
to  say  that  you  won't  do  what  I  ask  you  ?  Very  well, 
then :  you  can  go !  You  needn't  stay  the  week  out ;  I 
will  pav  you,  and  you  can  go  at  once.  Do  you  under 
stand?"  ' 

Jane :  "  Yes,  I  do,  and  I'd  be  glad  to  go  this  very 
minute,  but  I  don't  dare  to  get  down." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  But  why  shouldn't  you  get  down  ? 
There  isn't  the  least  danger.  Is  there  any  danger  now, 
Mr.  Campbell  ?" 

Campbell:  "  ~Not  the  least  in  the  world.  Mouse  gone 
long  ago." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "There!" 

Jane :  "  I  can't  help  it.  There  are  so  many  in  the 
dining-room — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "In  my  dining-room?  Oh,  my  good 
ness  !  Why  didn't  you  tell  me  before  ?" 

Jane :  "  And  one  ran  right  over  my  foot." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Your  foot?  Oh,  I  wonder  that  you 
live  to  tell  it !  Why  haven't  you  put  traps  ?  Where's 
the  cat?" 

Jane :  "  The  cook's  spoiled  the  cat,  feeding  it  so 
much." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "Yes,  that's  the  worst  of  cooks:  they 
always  spoil  cats." 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "  Thev  overfeed  them." 

90 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  And  then,  of  course,  the  cats  are 
worth  nothing  as  mousers.  I  had  a  cat — "  The  bell 
sounds  again. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "There!     Some  one  must  go." 
Campbell:  "Why,  I'll  go  to  the  door." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "And  leave  us  here?  E"ever!  How 
can  you  propose  such  a  thing?  If  you  dare  to  go  I 
shall  die.  Don't  think  of  such  a  thing." 

Jane:  "  The  cook  will  go,  if  they  keep  ringing.  Oh ! 
ugh !  hu,  hu !  When  ever  shall  I  get  out  of  this  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Stop  crying,  Jane!  Be  calm! 
You're  perfectly  safe.  You  may  be  glad  it's  no 
worse.  'Sh!  There's  the  cook  going  to  the  door  at 
last.  Who  can  it  be  ?  Listen !" 

Jane, clutching  Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh  !  ugh !   Wo-o-o-o !" 

All  the  Ladies:  "E-e-e-e!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "What's  the  matter,  Jane?  Let  me 
go !  What's  the  matter  ?" 

Jane :  "  Oh,  I  thought  I  was  falling — right  down  in 
among  it !" 

Mrs.  Agnes  Roberts,  calling  up  from  below :  "  What 
in  the  world  is  it,  Arny  ?" 

Campbell:  "Oh,  my  prophetic  soul,  my  sister!" 

Mrs.  Somers,  shouting :  "  Is  that  you,  Agnes  ?  Don't 
come  up!  Don't  come  up,  for  your  life!  Dvnl  come 
up,  unless  you  wisli  to  perish  instantly.  Oh,  it's  dread 
ful.  }  -jiTr  r-.-'inirg  now.  Keep  away!  Co  right  straight 
our  of  the  Louse,  unless  you  wish  to  iling  your  life 
away." 

The  other  Ladies:  "Don't  come!  Don't  come! 
Keep  away!  It  will  do  iio^ 


Ill 

MRS.  ROBERTS  AND  THE  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Roberts,  mounting  the  stairs,  as  if  lured  to  her 
doom  by  an  irresistible  fascination :  "  ISTot  come  ?  Keep 
away?  Who's  talking?  What  is  it?  Oh,  Amy,  what 
is  it?"  As  she  reaches  the  stair-landing  space  before 
the  drawing-room  and  looks  in,  where  Campbell  stands 
in  the  middle  of  the  floor  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets 
and  despair  in  his  face :  "  You  here,  Willis  ?  What  are 
you  doing?  What  is  it?"  Her  eye  wanders  to  the 
ladies  trembling  in  their  several  refuges,  and  a  dawn 
ing  apprehension  makes  itself  seen  in  her  face.  "  What 
is —  Oh,  it  is — it  isn't — it  isn't  a — mouse  !  Oh,  Amy! 
Amy !  Amy !  Oh,  how  could  you  let  me  come  right  into 
the  room  with  it?  Oh,  I  never  can  forgive  you!  I 
thought  it  was  somebody  getting  killed.  Oh,  why 
didn't  you  tell  me  it  was  a  mouse  ?"  She  alights  on 
the  piano-stool,  and  keeps  it  from  rocking  by  staying 
herself  with  one  hand  on  the  piano-top. 
Campbell:  "  ]SJ"ow  look  here,  Agnes — " 
Mrs.  Roberts:  "Hush!  Don't  speak  to  me,  Willis! 
You  unnatural,  cruel,  heartless —  Why  did  you  let 
me  come  in  ?  I  wonder  at  you,  Willis !  If  you  had 
been  half  the  brother  you  ought  to  be —  Oh  dear,  dear ! 
I  know  how  you  will  go  away  and  laugh  now  and  tell 
everybody.  I  suppose  you  think  it  corroborates  that 
silly  speech  of  yours  before  the  legislative  committee 

that's  wounded  all  your  best  friends  so,  and  that  I've 

92 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

been  talking  myself  perfectly  dumb  defending  you 
about."  Mrs.  Roberts  unconsciously  gives  a  little 
push  for  emphasis,  and  the  stool  revolves  with  her. 
"  E-e-e-e !  Oh,  Amy,  how  can  you  have  one  of  these 
old-fashioned,  horrid,  whirling  things,  fit  for  nothing 
but  boarding-house  parlors !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  just  pique :  "  I'm  very  sorry  you 
don't  like  my  piano-stool,  Agnes.  I  keep  it  because  it 
was  my  poor  mother's ;  but  if  you'll  give  me  due  notice 
another  time  I'll  try  to  have  a  different — " 

Mrs.  Roberts,  bursting  into  tears :  "  Oh,  don't  say 
another  word,  Amy  dear!  I'm  so  ashamed  of  myself 
that  I  can  hardly  breathe  now !" 

Campbell:  "And  I'm  ashamed  of  you,  too,  Agnes! 
Get  down  off  that  stool,  and  behave  yourself  like  a 
sensible  woman."  He  goes  toward  her  as  if  to  lift 
her  down.  "  The  mouse  is  gone  long  ago.  And  if  it 
was  here,  it  wouldn't  bite  you." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  repelling  him  with  one  hand  while 
she  clings  insecurely  to  the  piano  with  the  other: 
"  Bite  ?  Do  you  suppose  I  care  for  a  mouse's  biting, 
Willis?  I  wouldn't  care  for  the  bite  of  an  elephant. 
It's  the  idea.  Can't  you  understand  ?" 

The  other  Ladies:  "Oh  yes,  it's  the  idea." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes,  I  told  him  in  the  first  place, 
Agnes,  that  it  was  the  idea  of  a  mouse." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "It's  the  innate  repugnance." 

Campbell:  "It's  the  enmity  put  between  the  mouse 
that  tempted  Eve  and  the  woman — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Don't  be  —  sacrilegious,  Willis! 
Don't,  for  your  own  sake!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes,  it's  very  easy  to  make  fun  of 
the  Bible." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Or  woman.     And  the  wit  is  equally 

contemptible  in  either  case." 

93 


THE    MOUSE-TKAP 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  Other  animals  feel  about  mice  just 
as  we  do.  I  was  reading  only  the  other  day  of  an 
elephant — your  mentioning  an  elephant  reminded  me 
of  it,  Mrs.—" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Oh!" 

The  other  Ladies:  "E-e-e-e!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  What  is  it?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Nothing.  I  thought  I  was  going  to 
fall.  Go  on,  Mrs.  Miller." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  Oh,  it's  merely  that  the  elephant  was 
asleep,  and  a  mouse  ran  up  its  trunk — ': 

All  the  Ladies:  "Horrors!" 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  And  the  poor  creature  sprang  up  in 
the  greatest  alarm,  and  bellowed  till  it  woke  the  whole 
menagerie.  It  simply  shows  that  it  isn't  because  women 
are  nervously  constituted  that  they're  afraid  of  mice, 
fW  the  nervous  organism  of  an  elephant — 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  The  first  time  I  went  to  Europe  I 
found  a  mouse  in  one  of  my  trunks.  It  was  a  steamer 
trunk  that  you  push  under  the  berth,  and  I've  per 
fectly  loathed  them  ever  since." 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "  Once  in  a  farm-house,  where  we  were 
staying  the  summer,  a  mouse  ran  right  across  the  table." 

All  the  Ladies:  "Oh!" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "One  morning  I  found  one  in  the 
bath-tub." 

All  the  Ladies:  "Oh,  Mrs.  Curwen !"-. 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  We'd  heard  it  scrambling  round  all 
night.  It  was  stone-dead." 

All  the  Ladies:  "Hideous!" 

Campbell:  "Why,  bless  my  soul,  if  the  mouse  was 
dead—" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Then  it  was  ten  times  as  bad  as  if 
it  was  alive.  Can't  you  understand  ?  It's  the  idea. 
But,  oh,  don't  lot's  talk  of  it  any  more,  ladies!  Let's 

94 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

talk  of  something  else.  Agnes,  are  you  going  to  Mrs. 
Ransom's  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  I've  been.  Nearly  everybody's  com 
ing  away." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  Why,  what  time  is  it,  Mrs.  Somers  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I  don't  know." 

Campbell,  looking  at  his  watch :  "  It's  ten  minutes  of 
six,  and  I've  missed  rny  appointment." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  And  if  we  don't  go  now  we  shall 
miss  the  reception." 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Papa  was  very  particular  I  should 
go,  because  he  couldn't." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  We  must  go  at  once." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  I'm  so  sorry!  Jane,  go  down 
with  the  ladies." 

Jane :  "  Oh,  please,  Mrs.  Somers !" 

Mrs.  Miller:  "But  how  are  we  to  go?  We  are  im 
prisoned  here.  We  cannot  get  away.  You  must  do 
something." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  It  is  your  house,  Mrs.  Somers.  You 
are  responsible." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  But  what  can  I  do?  I  can't  get 
down  myself.  And  if  I  did,  what  good  would  it  do  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "For  shame,  Willis,  to  laugh!" 

Campbell:  "  I  wasn't  laughing.  I  was  merely  smil 
ing  aloud." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  It's  the  same  thing.  You  ought  to 
think  of  something." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh  yes,  do,  Willis.  Think  of  some 
thing  for  my — for  goodness'  sake,  and  I  will  always 
thank  you.  You're  so  ingenious." 

Campbell:  "Well,  in  the  first  place,  I  don't  believe 
there's  any  mouse  in  the  room." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "That  is  nonsense;  Jane  saw  it.     Is 

that  all  your  ingenuity  amounts  to?" 

95 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

Mrs.  Roberts,  electrically:  "  Amy,  /  have  an  idea!" 

Mrs.  S owners:  "  Oh,  Agnes!     How  like  you!" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Not  at  all.  It's  the  simplest  thing 
in  the  world.  It's  the  only  way.  And  no  thanks  to 
Willis,  either." 

All  the  Ladies:  "Well?    Well?     Well?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "It's  just  this:  all  make  a  rush,  one 
after  another,  and  the  rest  scream.  And  Willis  must 
keep  beating  the  floor." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  How  perfectly  magnificent !  Well, 
Agnes,  you  have  got  your  wits  about  you!  It  is  the 
very  thing!  Now,  Mrs.  Curwen,  if  you  will  jump 
down  and  make  a  rush — 5 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  It's  for  you  to  make  the  rush  first, 
Mrs.  Somers.  You  are  the  hostess." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Yes,  but  I'm  not  going,  don't  you 
see  ?  I've  sent  my  card  to  Mrs.  Ransom." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Then,  Mrs.  Miller,  will  you, 
please — 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Mrs.  Bemis  is  nearest  the  door.  I 
think  she  will  wish  to  start  first." 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "  No;  I  will  wait  for  the  rest." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  That  is  a  good  idea.  They  ought 
to  all  rush  together,  not  one  after  another.  Don't 
you  think  so,  Agnes?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Yes,  that  was  what  I  meant.  And 
we  ought  to  all  scream  just  before  they  start,  so  as  to 


*& 
scare  it." 


Mrs.  Somers:  "Oh,  how  capital!  You  have  got  a 
brain,  Agnes!  Now  I  begin  to  believe  we  shall  live 
through  it.  And  Mr.  Campbell  ought  to  beat  the  floor 
first,  oughtn't  he  ?" 

Campbell:  "  I  haven't  got  anything  to  beat  it  with." 
He  looks  about  the  room.  "  But  I  can  go  down  and 

get  my  cane." 

96 


THE    MOUSE-TKAP 

All:  "No!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Jane  will  go  down  and  get  it  for 
you." 

Jane:  "Oh,  I  couldn't,  Mrs.  Somers!" 

Campbell:  "Perhaps  the  poker — but  it  would  spoil 
your  carpet." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  No  matter  for  the  carpet;  you 
can  beat  it  into — pulp."  Campbell  gets  the  poker  and 
beats  the  carpet  in  different  places.  "  Harder !  Beat 
harder!" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "You're  not  beating  at  all,  Wil 
lis.  You're  just  —  temporizing."  Campbell  wildly 
thrashes  the  carpet. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "There!  That  is  something  like. 
Now  scream,  Agnes!  Scream,  Mrs.  Curwen!  Mrs. 
Miller,  Lou,  scream,  please!" 

All:  "E-e-e-e!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "But  nobody  started!" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  didn't  believe  the  rest  would  start, 
and  so  I  didn't." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  I  was  sure  no  one  else  would  start." 

Mrs.  Be  mis:    '  So  was  I." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  We  must  have  faith  in  one  another, 
or  else  the  plan's  a  failure.  Now  all  scream !"  They 
scream. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "E-e-e-e!  Keep  beating  the  carpet, 
Willis !  Hard,  hard,  hard !"  The  other  ladies  all  leap 
down  from  their  perches,  and  rush  screaming  out  of 
the  drawing-room,  followed  by  Jane,  with  a  whoop  that 
prolongs  itself  into  the  depths  of  the  basement,  after 
the  retreating  wails  and  hysterical  laughter  of  the  ladies 
have  died  out  of  the  street  door.  "  Oh,  wasn't  it  splen 
did  !  It  was  a  perfect  success !" 
7  97 


IV 

MES.  SOMERS;  MR.  CAMPBELL 

Campbell,  leaning  on  his  poker  and  panting  with,  ex 
haustion  :  "  They  got  out  alive." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "And  it  was  all  Agnes'  idea.  Why, 
Agnes  is  gone,  too !" 

Campbell:  "  Yes,  Agnes  is  gone.  I  think  it  was  a 
ruse  of  hers  to  save  her  own  life.  She's  quite  capable 
of  it," 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  justice :  "  !N"o,  I  don't  think  that. 
She  was  just  carried  away  by  the  excitement  of  the  mo 
ment." 

Campbell:  "At  any  rate,  she's  gone.  And  now, 
Amy,  don't  you  think  you'd  better  get  down  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  in  astonishment :  "  Get  down  ?  Why, 
you  must  be  crazy.  How  can  I  get  down  if  it's  still 
there?" 

Campbell:  "What?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  The  mouse." 

Campbell:  "But  it  isn't  there,  my  dear.  You  saw 
for  yourself  that  it  wasn't  there." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Did  you  see  it  run  out?" 

Campbell:  "^To;  but—" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Very  well,  then,  it's  there  still.  Of 
course  it  is.  I  wouldn't  get  down  for  worlds." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  good  Heavens!     Do  you  expect  to 

spend  the  rest  of  your  life  up  there  in  that  chair  ?" 

98 


"WHAT  is  IT?     WHAT  is  IT  V 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I  don't  know.  I  shall  not  get  down 
till  I  see  that  mouse  leave  this  room." 

Campbell,,  desperately :  "  Well,  then,  I  must  make  a 
clean  hreast  of  it.  There  never  was  any  mouse  here." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  What  do  you  mean  ?" 

Campbell:  "I  mean  that  when  we  were  talking — 
arguing  —  about  the  physical  courage  of  women,  I 
thought  I  would  try  a  mouse.  It's  succeeded  only 
too  well.  I'll  never  try  another." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "And  could  you  really  be  guilty  of 
such  a  cruel — " 

Campbell:  "Yes." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Shameless — " 

Campbell:  "I  was." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Despicable  deception?" 

Campbell:  "  It  was  vile,  I  know,  but  I  did  it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  don't  believe  it.  No,  rather  than 
believe  that  of  you,,  Willis,  I  would  believe  there  were 
a  million  mice  in  the  room." 

Campbell:  "  Amy,  indeed — r' 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  !N"o ;  if  you  could  deceive  me  then, 
you  can  deceive  me  now.  If  you  could  say  there  was 
a  mouse  in  the  room  when  there  wasn't,  you  are  quite 
capable  of  saying  there  isn't  when  there  is.  You  are 
just  saying  it  now  to  get  me  to  get  down." 

Campbell:  "Upon  my  honor,  I'm  not." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  don't  talk  to  me  of  honor!  The 
honor  of  a  man  who  could  revel — yes,  revel — in  the 
terrors  of  helpless  women — : 

Campbell:  "  E~o,  no;  I'd  no  idea  of  it,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  will  please  not  address  me  in 
that  way,  Mr.  Campbell.  You  have  forfeited  all  right 
to  do  so." 

Campbell:  "  I  know  it.  What  I  did  was  very  fool 
ish  and  thoughtless." 

99 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  It  was  very  low  and  ungentlemanly. 
I  suppose  you  will  go  away  and  laugh  over  it  with  your 
— associates." 

Campbell:  "Why  not  say  my  ruffianly  accomplices 
at  once,  Amy?  No,  I  assure  you  that  unless  you  tell 
of  the  affair,  nobody  shall  ever  hear  of  it  from  me. 
It's  too  disastrous  a  victory.  I'm  hoist  by  my  own 
petard,  caught  in  my  own  mouse-trap.  There  is  such 
a  thing  as  succeeding  too  well." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  should  think  you  would  be  ashamed 
of  it.  Suppose  you  have  shown  that  women  are  nervous 
and  excitable,  does  that  prove  anything?" 

Campbell:  "  Nothing  in  the  world." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Very  likely  some  of  us  will  be  sick 
from  it.  I  dare  say  you  think  that  would  be  another 
triumphant  argument." 

Campbell:  "  I  shouldn't  exult  in  it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I  don't  know  when  I  shall  ever  get 
over  it  myself.  I  have  had  a  dreadful  shock." 

Campbell:  "I'm  sorry  with  all  my  heart — I  am, 
indeed.  I  had  no  conception  that  you  cared  so  much 
for  mice — despised  them  so  much." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh  yes,  laugh,  do !  It's  quite  in 
character.  But  if  you  have  such  a  contempt  for  wom 
en,  of  course  you  wouldn't  want  to  marry  one." 

Campbell:  "  Yes,  I  should,  my  dear.  But  only 
one." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Very  well,  then!  You  can  find 
some  other  one.  All  is  over  between  us.  Yes!  I 
will  send  you  back  the  precious  gifts  you  have  lav 
ished  upon  me,  and  I  will  thank  you  for  mine.  A 
man  who  can  turn  the  sex  that  his  mother  and  sister 
belong  to  into  ridicule  can  have  no  real  love  for  his 
wife.  I  am  glad  that  I  found  you  out  in  time." 

Campbell:  "  Do  you  really  mean  it,  Amy?" 
100 


THE    MOUSE;^R:AP' 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Yes,  I  mean  it.  And  I  hope  it  will 
be  a  lesson  to  you.  If  you  find  any  other  poor,  silly, 
trusting  creature  that  you  can  impose  yourself  upon 
for  a  gentleman  as  you  have  upon  me,  I  advise  you  to 
reserve  your  low,  vulgar,  boyish  tricks  till  after  she  is 
helplessly  yours,  or  she  may  tear  your  hateful  ring 
from  her  finger  and  fling  it — "  She  attempts  to  pull 
a  ring  from  her  finger,  but  it  will  not  come  off.  "  Never 
mind !  I  will  get  it  off  with  a  little  soap  -  suds ;  and 
then—" 

Campbell:  "  Oh  no,  my  dear !  Come,  I  can  allow  for 
your  excitement,  but  I  can't  stand  everything,  though 
I  admit  everything.  When  a  man  has  said  he's  played 
a  silly  part  he  doesn't  like  to  be  told  so,  and  as  for  im 
posing  myself  upon  you  for  a  gentleman — you  must 
take  that  back,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I  do.  I  take  it  back.  There  hasn't 
been  any  imposture.  I  knew  you  were  not  a  gentle 


man." 


Campbell:  "Very  good!  Then  I'm  not  fit  for  a 
lady's  company,  and  I  don't  deny,  though  you're  so 
hard  upon  me,  that  you're  a  lady,  Amy.  Good-bye." 
He  bows,  and  walks  out  of  the  room. 

Mrs.  Somers,  sending  her  voice  after  him  in  a  wail 
of  despair :  "  Willis !" 

Campbell,  coming  back :  "  Well  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I  can't  let  you  go."  He  runs  toward 
her,  but  she  shrinks  back  on  her  chair  against  the  wall. 
"No,  no!" 

Campbell,  hesitating :  "  Why  did  you  call  me  back, 
then?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I — I  didn't  call  you  back;  I  just 
said— Willis." 

Campbell:  "  This  is  unworthy — even  of  you" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Oh!" 

101 


:    :       ;T.HE  MOUSE-TRAP 


Campbell:  "Do  you  admit  that  you  have  been  too 
severe  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  don't  know.    What  did  I  say?" 

Campbell:  "A  number  of  pleasant  things:  that  I 
was  a  fraud,  and  no  gentleman." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Did  I  say  that?" 

Campbell:  "  Yes,  you  did." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I  must  have  been  very  much  in 
censed  against  you.  I  beg  your  pardon  for — being  so 
angry." 

Campbell:  "  That  won't  do.  I  don't  care  how  angry 
you  are  if  you  don't  call  me  names.  You  must  take 
them  back." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Do  you  see  my  handkerchief  any 
where  about  on  the  carpet  ?" 

Campbell,,  looking  about,  and  then  finding  it: 
"  Yes ;  here  it  is."  He  hands  it  to  her,  and  she  bends 
forward  and  takes  it  from  him  at  arm's-length,  whip 
ping  it  nervously  out  of  his  hand.  "  What's  the 
matter  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  nothing  —  nothing!  Will  you 
please  give  me  my  fan  from  the  table  there?"  He 
obeys,  and  she  catches  it  from  him  as  she  has  caught 
the  handkerchief.  "  Thank  you !  Keep  away,  please !': 

Campbell,  angrily:  "Really,  this  is  too  much.  If 
you  are  afraid  of  touching  me — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  No,  I  don't  mind  touching  you;  that 
isn't  it.  But  if  you  stood  so  near,  don't  you  see,  it 
might  run  up  you  and  jump  on  to  me" 

Campbell:  "  What  might?" 

'Mrs.  Somers:  "  You  know.    The  mouse." 

Campbell:  "  The  mouse !    There  is  no  mouse." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  That's  what  you  said  before." 

Campbell:  "  Well,  it's  true.    There  isn't  any  mouse, 

and  there  never  was." 

102 


THE    MOUSE-TKAP 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  There's  the  idea.  And  that's  all  I 
ever  cared  for." 

Campbell:  "Well,  what  are  you  going  to  do?  I 
can't  kill  the  idea  of  a  mouse,  and  I  can't  drive  it  out 
of  the  room." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  don't  know  what  I'm  going  to  do. 
I  suppose  I  shall  die  here."  She  presses  her  handker 
chief  to  her  eyes.  "  I  shall  never  get  out  of  the  room 
alive.  Then  I  hope  you  will  be  satisfied." 

Campbell:  "Amy,  how  can  you  say  such  things  to 
me?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  I  suppose  you're  fond  of  me  in 
your  contemptuous  way.  I  never  denied  that.  And 
I'm  sorry,  I'm  sure,  if  I  wounded  your  feelings  by  any 
thing  I  said." 

Campbell:  "  Then  you  admit  that  I  am  a  gentle 
man  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  didn't  say  that," 

Campbell:  "And  I  can't  be  satisfied  with  less.  I'll 
own  that  I've  been  stupid,  but  I  haven't  been  ungen- 
tlemanly.  I  can't  remain  unless  you  do." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  And  do  you  think  threatening  me  is 
gentlemanly  ?" 

Campbell:  "  That  isn't  the  question.  Do  you  think 
I'm  a  gentleman  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You're  what  the  world  calls  a  gen 
tleman — yes." 

Campbell:  "  Do  you  think  I'm  one  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "How  can  I  tell?  I  can't  think  at 
all,  perched  up  here." 

Campbell:  "  Why  don't  you  get  down,  then  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  You  know  very  well  why." 

Campbell:  "But  you'll  have  to  get  down  some  time. 
You  can't  stay  there  always." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Why  should  you  care  ?" 
103 


THE    MOUSE-TEAP 

Campbell:  "You  know  I  do  care.  You  know  that 
I  love  you  dearly,  and  that  I  can't  bear  to  see  you  in 
distress.  Shall  I  beat  the  carpet,  and  you  scream  and 
make  a  rush  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No ;  I  haven't  the  strength  for 
that.  I  should  drop  in  a  faint  as  soon  as  I  touched  the 
floor." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  good  Heavens!  What  am  I  going 
to  do,  then  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  don't  know.  You  got  me  into  the 
trouble.  I  should  think  you  could  get  me  out  of  it." 

Campbell,  after  walking  distractedly  up  and  down 
the  room :  "  There's  only  one  way  that  I  can  think  of, 
and  if  we're  not  engaged  any  longer  it  wouldn't  do." 

Mrs.  Somers,  yielding  to  her  curiosity,  after  a  mo 
ment's  hesitation :  "  What  is  it  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  unless  we're  still  engaged,  it's  no 
use  proposing  it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Can't  you  tell  me  without?" 

Campbell:  "Impossible." 

Mrs.  Somers,  looking  down  at  her  fan :  "  Well,  sup 
pose  we  are  still  engaged,  then  ?"  Looking  up :  "  Yes, 
say  we  are  engaged." 

Campbell:  "  It's  to  carry  you  out." 

Mrs.  Somers,  recoiling  a  little:  "  Oh!  Do  you  think 
that  would  be  very  nice  ?" 

Campbell:  "Yes,  I  think  it  would.  We  can  both 
scream,  you  know." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes?" 

Campbell:  "  And  then  you  fling  yourself  into  my 
arms." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes?" 

Campbell:  "  And  I  rush  out  of  the  room  with  you." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  a  deep  breath:  "I  would  never 

do  it  in  the  world." 

104 


are." 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 

Campbell:  "Well,  then,  you  must  stay  where  you 


Mrs.  Somers,  closing  her  fan :  "  You're  not  strong 
enough."  She  puts  her  handkerchief  into  her  pocket. 
"  You  would  be  sure  to  fall."  She  gathers  her  train 
in  one  hand.  "Well,  then,  look  the  other  way!" 
Campbell  turns  his  face  aside  and  waits.  "  No,  I 
can't  do  it." 

Campbell,  retiring  wrathfully  to  the  other  side  of  the 
room :  "  What  shall  we  do,  then  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  after  reflection :  "  I  don't  know  what 
we  shall  do.  But  if  I  were  a  man — " 

Campbell:  "  Well,  if  you  were  a  man — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Don't  you  think  Mrs.  Curwen  is 
fascinating  ?" 

Campbell:  "Redoes." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  You  must  admit  she's  clever?  And 
awfully  stylish  ?" 

Campbell:  "I  don't  admit  anything  of  the  kind. 
She's  always  posing.  I  think  she  made  herself  ridic 
ulous  standing  there  on  the  table." 

Mrs.  Somers,  fondly :  "  Oh,  do  you  think  so  ?  You 
are  very  severe." 

Campbell:  "  Come,  now,  Amy,  what  has  all  this  got 
to  do  with  it  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Nothing.    But  if  I  were  a  man — " 

Campbell:  "Well?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Well,  in  the  first  place,  I  wouldn't 
have  got  you  wrought  up  so." 

Campbell:  "Well,  but  if  you  had!  Suppose  you 
had  done  all  that  I've  done,  and  that  I  was  up  there 
in  your  place  standing  on  a  chair  and  wouldn't  let  you 
leave  the  room,  and  wouldn't  get  down  and  walk  out, 
and  wouldn't  allow  myself  to  be  carried,  what  should 
you  do  ?" 

105 


THE    MOUSE-TKAP 

Mrs.  Seiners,  who  has  been  regarding  him  attentive 
ly  over  the  top  of  her  fan,  which  she  holds  pressed 
against  her  face:  "  Why,  I  suppose  if  you  wouldn't  let 
me  help  you  willingly — /  should  use  violence." 

Campbell:  "  You  witch!"  As  he  makes  a  wild  rush 
upon  her,  the  curtain,  which  in  the  plays  of  this  author 
has  a  strict  regard  for  the  convenances,  abruptly  de 
scends. 


A   LIKELY    STOEY 


A   LIKELY    STORY 
I 

MR.  AND  MES.  WILLIS  CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  !Now  this,  I  think,  is  the  most 
exciting  part  of  the  whole  affair,  and  the  pleasantest." 
She  is  seated  at  breakfast  in  her  cottage  at  Summering- 
by-the-Sea.  A  heap  of  letters  of  various  stylish  shapes, 
colors,  and  superscriptions  lies  beside  her  plate,  and  ir 
regularly  straggles  about  among  the  coffee-service.  Vis 
a-vis  with  her  sits  Mr.  Campbell  behind  a  newspaper. 
"  How  prompt  they  are !  Why,  I  didn't  expect  to  get 
half  so  many  answers  yet.  But  that  shows  that  where 
people  have  nothing  to  do  but  attend  to  their  social 
duties  they  are  always  prompt — even  the  men ;  women, 
of  course,  reply  early,  anyway,  and  you  don't  really 
care  for  them ;  but  in  town  the  men  seem  to  put  it  off 
till  the  very  last  moment,  and  then  some  of  them  call 
when  it's  over  to  excuse  themselves  for  not  having  come 
after  accepting.  It  really  makes  you  wish  for  a  leisure 
class.  It's  only  the  drive  and  hurry  of  American  life 
that  makes  our  men  seem  wanting  in  the  convenances ; 
and  if  they  had  the  time,  with  their  instinctive  delicacy, 
they  would  be  perfect:  it  would  come  from  the  heart: 
they're  more  truly  polite  now.  Willis,  just  look  at 
this!" 

109 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

Campbell,  behind  his  paper :  "  Look  at  what  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  These  replies.  Why,  I  do  believe 
that  more  than  half  the  people  have  answered  already, 
and  the  invitations  only  went  out  yesterday.  That 
comes  from  putting  on  R.  S.  V.  P.  I  knew  I  was  right, 
and  I  shall  always  do  it;  I  don't  care  what  you  say." 

Campbell:  "You  didn't  put  on  R.  S.  V.  P.  after 
all  I  said?"  He  looks  round  the  edge  of  his  paper 
at  her. 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Yes,  I  did.  The  idea  of  your 
setting  up  for  an  authority  in  such  a  thing  as  that !" 

Campbell:  "  Then  I'm  sorry  I  didn't  ask  you  to  do 
it.  It's  a  shame  to  make  people  say  whether  they'll 
come  to  a  garden-party  from  four  till  seven  or  not." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  A  shame?  How  can  you  provide 
if  you  don't  know  how  many  are  coming?  I  should 
like  to  know  that.  But  of  course  I  couldn't  expect 
you  to  give  in  gracefully." 

Campbell:  "I  should  give  in  gracefully  if  I  gave 
in  at  all,  but  I  don't,"  He  throws  his  paper  down  be 
side  his  chair.  "  Here,  hand  over  the  letters,  and  I'll  be 
opening  them  for  you  while  you  pour  out  the  coffee." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  covering  the  letters  with  her  hands : 
"  Indeed  you  won't !" 

Campbell:  "Well,  pour  out  the  coffee,  then,  any 
way." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  after  a  moment's  reflections :  "  ~No, 
I  shall  not  do  it.  I'm  going  to  open  them,  every  one, 
before  you  get  a  drop  of  coffee — just  to  punish  you." 

Campbell:  "To  punish  me?  For  what?"  Mrs. 
Campbell  hesitates,  as  if  at  a  loss  what  to  say. 
"  There !  you  don't  know." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Yes,  I  do:  for  saying  I  oughtn't 
to  have  put  on  R.  S.  V.  P.  Do  you  take  it  back  ?" 

Campbell:  "How  can  I  till  I've  had  some  coffee? 

110 


A    LIKELY    STOKY 

My  mind  won't  work  on  an  empty  stomach.     Well — " 
He  rises  and  goes  round  the  table  toward  her. 

Mrs.  Campbell,  spreading  both  arms  over  the  let 
ters  :  "  Willis,  if  you  dare  to  touch  them,  I'll  ring  for 
Jane,  and  then  she'll  see  you  cutting  up." 

Campbell:  "  Touch  what?  I'm  coming  to  get  some 
coffee." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Well,  I'll  give  you  some  coffee; 
but  don't  you  touch  a  single  one  of  those  letters — after 
what  you've  said." 

Campbell:  "All  right!"  He  extends  one  hand  for 
the  coffee,  and  with  the  other  sweeps  all  the  letters  to 
gether  and  starts  back  to  his  place.  As  she  flies  upon 
him,  "  Look  out,  Amy;  you'll  make  me  spill  this  coffee 
all  over  the  table-cloth." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  sinking  into  her  seat:  "Oh,  Willis, 
how  can  you  be  so  base  ?    Give  me  my  letters.    Do!" 
Campbell,  sorting  them  over:  "  You  may  have  half." 
Mrs.   Campbell:  "No;   I  shall  have  all.     I  insist 
upon  it." 

Campbell:  "  Well,  then,  you  may  have  all  the  ladies' 
letters.  There  are  twice  as  many  of  them." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "]STo;  I  shall  have  the  men's,  too. 
Give  me  the  men's  first." 

Campbell:  "How  can  I  tell  which  are  the  men's 
without  opening  them?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "How  could  you  tell  which  were 
the  ladies'?  Come,  now,  Willis,  don't  tease  me  any 
longer.  You  know  I  hate  it." 

Campbell,  studying  the  superscriptions,  one  after  an 
other  :  "  I  want  to  see  if  I  can  guess  who  wrote  them. 
Don't  you  like  to  guess  who  wrote  your  letters  before 
you  open  them  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  dignity:  "I  don't  like  to  guess 
who  wrote  other  people's  letters."  She  looks  down  at 

111 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

the  table-cloth  with  a  menace  of  tears,  and  Campbell  in 
stantly  returns  all  the  notes. 

Campbell:  "There,  Amy;  you  may  have  them.  I 
don't  care  who  wrote  them  nor  what's  in  them.  And 
I  don't  want  you  to  interrupt  me  with  any  exclamations 
over  them,  if  you  please."  He  reaches  to  the  floor  for 
his  newspaper,  and  while  he  sips  his  coffee  Mrs.  Camp 
bell  loses  no  time  in  opening  her  letters. 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "I  shall  do  nothing  but  exclaim. 
The  Curwens  accept,  of  course — the  very  first  letter. 
That  means  Mrs.  Curwen;  that  is  one,  at  any  rate. 
The  New  York  Addingses  do,  and  the  Philadelphia 
Addingses  don't ;  I  hardly  expected  they  would,  so  soon 
after  their  aunt's  death,  but  I  thought  I  ought  to  ask 
them.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Roberts,  naturally;  it  was  more 
a  joke  than  anything,  sending  their  invitation.  Mrs. 
and  the  Misses  Carver  regret  very  much ;  well,  /  don't. 
Professor  and  Mrs.  Traine  are  very  happy,  and  so  am 
I ;  he  doesn't  go  everywhere,  and  he's  awfully  nice.  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Lou  Bemis  are  very  happy,  too,  and  Doctor 
Lawton  is  very  happy.  Mrs.  Bridges  Dear  Mrs.  Camp 
bells  me,  and  is  very  sorry  in  the  first  person ;  she's  al 
ways  nice.  Mr.  Phillips,  Mr.  Rangeley,  Mr.  Small, 
Mr.  Peters,  Mr.  Staples,  Mr.  Thornton,  all  accept,  and 
they're  all  charming  young  fellows." 

Campbell,  around  his  paper :  "  Well,  what  of 
that?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  an  air  of  busy  preoccupation: 
"  Don't  eavesdrop,  please ;  I  wasn't  talking  to  you.  The 
Merrills  have  the  pleasure,  and  the  Morgans  are  sorrow- 
stricken  ;  the — " 

Campbell:  "Yes,  but  why  should  you  care  whether 
those  fellows  are  charming  or  not?  Who's  going  to 
marry  them  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "I  am.  Mrs.  Stevenson  is  bowed 
112 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

to  the  earth ;  Colonel  Murphree  is  overjoyed ;  the  Misses 
Ja— " 

Campbell,  putting  his  paper  down :  "  Look  here, 
Amy.  Do  you  know  that  you  have  one  little  in 
finitesimal  ewe -lamb  of  a  foible?  You  think  too 
much  of  young  men." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Younger  men,  you  mean.  And 
you  have  a  multitude  of  perfectly  mammoth  pecca 
dilloes.  You  interrupt."  She  goes  on  opening  and 
reading  her  letters.  "  Well,  I  didn't  expect  the  Mack- 
lines  could;  but  everybody  seems  to  be  coming." 

Campbell:  "You  pay  them  too  much  attention  al 
together.  It  spoils  them ;  and  one  of  these  days  you'll 
be  getting  some  of  them  in  love  with  you,  and  then 
what  will  you  do  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  affected  distraction :  "  What 
are  you  talking  about?  I'd  refer  them  to  you,  and 
you  could  kill  them.  I  suppose  you  killed  lots  of  peo 
ple  in  California.  That's  what  you  always  gave  me  to 
understand."  She  goes  on  with  her  letters. 

Campbell:  "I  never  killed  a  single  human  being 
that  I  can  remember;  but  there's  no  telling  what  I 
might  do  if  I  were  provoked.  Now,  there's  that  young 
Welling.  He's  about  here  under  my  feet  all  the  time ; 
and  he's  got  a  way  lately  of  coming  in  through  the  win 
dow  from  the  piazza  that's  very  intimate.  He's  a  nice 
fellow  enough,  and  sweet,  as  you  say.  I  suppose  he  has 
talent,  too,  but  I  never  heard  that  he  had  set  any  of  the 
adjacent  watercourses  on  fire;  and  I  don't  know  that 
he  could  give  the  Apollo  Belvedere  many  points  in 
beauty  and  beat  him." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  I  do.  Mrs.  and  Miss  Eice  accept, 
and  her  friend  Miss  Greenway,  who's  staying  with  her, 
and — yes !  here's  one  from  Mr.  Welling !  Oh,  how  glad 

I  am!     Willis,  dearest,  if  I  could  be  the  means  of 
8  113 


A    LIKELY    STOKY 

bringing  those  two  lovely  young  creatures  together,  I 
should  be  so  happy!  Don't  you  think,  now,  he  is  the 
most  delicate-minded,  truly  refined,  exquisitely  modest 
young  fellow  that  ever  was?"  She  presses  the  un 
opened  note  to  her  corsage,  and  leans  eagerly  forward 
entreating  a  sympathetic  acquiescence. 

Campbell:  "  Well,  as  far  as  I  can  remember  my  own 
youth,  no.  But  what  does  he  say  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  regarding  the  letter :  "  I  haven't  look 
ed  yet.  He  writes  the  most  characteristic  hand,  for  a 
man,  that  I  ever  saw.  And  he  has  the  divinest  taste 
in  perfumes!  Oh,  I  wonder  what  that  is?  Like  a 
memory — a  regret."  She  presses  it  repeatedly  to  her 
pretty  nose  in  the  endeavor  to  ascertain. 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  hello!" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  laughing:  "Willis,  you  are  delight 
ful.  I  should  like  to  see  you  really  jealous  once." 

Campbell:  "You  won't,  as  long  as  I  know  my  own 
incomparable  charm.  But  give  me  that  letter,  Amy, 
if  you're  not  going  to  open  it.  I  want  to  see  whether 
Welling  is  going  to  come." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  fondly :  "  Would  you  really  like  to 
open  it?  I've  half  a  mind  to  let  you,  just  for  a  re 
ward/' 

Campbell:  "Reward!    What  for?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Oh,  I  don't  know.    Being  so  nice." 

Campbell:  "  That's  something  I  can't  help.  It's  no 
merit.  Well,  hand  over  the  letter." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "I  should  have  thought  you'd  in 
sist  on  my  opening  it,  after  that." 

Campbell:  "Why?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  To  show  your  confidence." 

Campbell:  "When  I  haven't  got  any?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  tearing  the  note  open :  "  Well,  it's 
no  use  trying  any  sentiment  with  you  or  any  generosity, 

114 


A    LIKELY    STOKY 

either.  You're  always  just  the  same ;  a  teasing  joke  is 
your  ideal.  You  can't  imagine  a  woman's  wanting  to 
keep  up  a  little  romance  all  through;  and  a  character 
like  Mr.  Welling's,  who's  all  chivalry  and  delicacy  and 
deference,  is  quite  beyond  you.  That's  the  reason 
you're  always  sneering  at  him." 

Campbell:  "  I'm  not  sneering  at  him,  my  dear.  I'm 
only  afraid  Miss  Rice  isn't  good  enough  for  him." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  instantly  placated :  "  Well,  she's  the 
only  girl  who's  anywhere  near  it.  I  don't  say  she's 
faultless,  but  she  has  a  great  deal  of  character,  and 
she's  very  practical ;  just  the  counterpart  of  his  dreami 
ness;  and  she  is  very,  very  good-looking,  don't  you 
think?" 

Campbell:  "  Her  bang  isn't  so  nice  as  his." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "JSTo;  and  aren't  his  eyes  beauti 
ful  ?  And  that  high,  serious  look !  And  his  nose  and 
chin  are  perfectly  divine.  He  looks  like  a  young  god !" 

Campbell:  "  I  dare  say;  though  I  never  saw  an  old 
one.  Well,  is  he  coming?  I'm  not  jealous,  but  I'm 
impatient.  Eead  it  out  loud." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  sinking  back  in  her  chair  for  the  more 
luxurious  perusal  of  the  note :  "  Indeed  I  shall  not." 
She  opens  it  and  runs  it  hastily  through,  with  various 
little  starts,  stares,  frowns,  smiles  of  arrested  develop 
ment,  laughs,  and  cries :  "  Why — why !  What  does  it 
mean  ?  Is  be  crazy  ?  Why,  there's  some  mistake.  No ! 
It's  his  hand — and  here's  his  name.  I  can't  make  it 
out."  She  reads  it  again  and  again.  "  Why,  it's  per 
fectly  bewildering !  Why,  there  must  be  some  mistake. 
He  couldn't  have  meant  it.  Could  he  have  imagined  ? 
Could  he  have  dared  ?  There  never  has  been  the  slight 
est  thing  that  could  be  tortured  into —  But  of  course 
not.  And  Mr.  Welling,  of  all  men!  Oh,  I  can't  un 
derstand  it!  Oh,  Willis,  Willis,  Willis!  What  does 

115 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

it  mean  ?"  She  flings  the  note  wildly  across  the  table, 
and,  catching  her  handkerchief  to  her  face,  falls  back 
into  her  chair  tumultuously  sobbing. 

Campbell.,  with  the  calm  of  a  man  accustomed  to 
emotional  superabundance,  lifting  the  note  from  the 
toast -rack  before  him:  "Well,  let's  see."  He  reads 
aloud :  "  '  Oh,  my  darling !  How  can  I  live  till  I  see 
you  ?  I  will  be  there  long  before  the  hour !  To  think 
of  your  asking  me !  You  should  have  said,  "  I  permit 
you  to  come,"  and  I  would  have  flown  from  the  ends 
of  the  earth.  The  presence  of  others  will  be  nothing. 
It  will  be  sweet  to  ignore  them  in  my  heart,  and  while 
I  see  you  moving  among  them,  and  looking  after  their 
pleasure  with  that  beautiful  thoughtfulness  of  yours,  to 
think,  "  She  is  mine,  mine,  mine !" 

"  Oh,  young  lord  lover,  what  sighs  are  those 
For  one  that  can  never  be  thine?" 

I  thank  you,  and  thank  you  a  thousand  times  over, 
for  this  proof  of  your  trust  in  me,  and  of  your  love 
— our  love.  You  shall  be  the  sole  keeper  of  our  secret 
— it  is  so  sweet  to  think  that  no  one  even  suspects  it  !— 
and  it  shall  live  with  you,  and  if  you  will,  it  shall  die 
with  me.  Forever  yours,  Arthur  Welling.' '  Camp 
bell  turns  the  note  over,  and,  picking  up  the  envelope, 
examines  the  address.  "  Well,  upon  my  word !  It's  to 
you,  Amy — on  the  outside,  anyway.  What  do  you  sup 
pose  he  means  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  in  her  handkerchief :  "  Oh,  I  don't 
know;  I  don't  know  why  he  should  address  such  lan 
guage  to  me !" 

Campbell,  recurring  to  the  letter:  "I  never  did. 
'  Oh,  my  darling — live  till  I  see  you — ends  of  the  earth 
— others  will  l>e  nothing — beautiful  thoughtfulness — 
mine,  mine,  mine — our  love — sweet  to  think  no  one  sus- 

116 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

pects  it — forever  yours/  Amy,  these  are  pretty  strong 
expressions  to  use  toward  the  wife  of  another,  and 
she  a  married  lady !  I  think  I  had  better  go  and  solve 
that  little  problem  of  how  he  can  live  till  he  sees 
you  by  relieving  him  of  the  necessity.  It  would  be 
disagreeable  to  him,  but  perhaps  there's  a  social  duty 
involved." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Oh,  Willis,  don't  torment  me! 
What  do  you  suppose  it  means?  Is  it  some  —  mis 
take  ?  It's  for  somebody  else !" 

Campbell:  "I  don't  see  why  he  should  have  ad 
dressed  it  to  you,  then." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "But  don't  you  see?  He's  been 
writing  to  some  other  person  at  the  same  time,  and 
he's  got  the  answers  mixed — put  them  in  the  wrong 
envelopes.  Oh  dear !  I  wonder  who  she  is !" 

Campbell,  studying  her  with  an  air  of  affected  ab 
straction  :  "  Her  curiosity  gets  the  better  of  her  anguish. 
Look  here,  Amy!  /  believe  you're  afraid  it's  to  some 
one  else." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Willis!" 

Campbell:  "Yes.  And  before  we  proceed  any  fur 
ther  I  must  know  just  what  you  wrote  to  this — this 
Mr.  Welling  of  yours.  Did  you  put  on  E.  S.  V.  P.  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Yes;  and  just  a  printed  card  like 
all  the  rest.  I  did  want  to  write  him  a  note  in  the 
first  person,  and  urge  him  to  come,  because  I  expected 
Miss  Rice  and  Miss  Greenway  to  help  me  receive ;  but 
when  I  found  Margaret  had  promised  Mrs.  Curwen 
for  the  next  day,  I  knew  she  wouldn't  like  to  take  the 
bloom  off  that  by  helping  me  first ;  so  I  didn't." 

Campbell:  "  Didn't  what  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Write  to  him.    I  just  sent  a  card." 

Campbell:  "  Then  these  passionate  expressions  are 
unprovoked,  and  my  duty  is  clear.  I  must  lose  no  time 

117 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

in  destroying  Mr.  Welling.  Do  you  happen  to  know 
where  I  laid  my  revolver  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Oh,  Willis,  what  are  you  going  to 
do  ?  You  see  it's  a  mistake." 

Campbell:  "  Mr.  Welling  has  got  to  prove  that.  I'm 
not  going  to  have  young  men  addressing  my  wife  as  Oh, 
their  darling,  without  knowing  the  reason  why.  It's  a 
liberty." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  inclined  to  laugh:  "  Ah,  Willis,  how 
funny  you  are !" 

Campbell:  "Funny?     I'm  furious." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "You  know  you're  not.  Give  me 
the  letter,  dearest.  I  know  it's  for  Margaret  Rice,  and 
I  shall  see  her  and  just  feel  round  and  find  out  if  it 
isn't  so,  and — 

Campbell:  "  What  an  idea!  You  haven't  the  slight 
est  evidence  that  it's  for  Miss  Rice,  or  that  it  isn't  in 
tended  for  you,  and  it's  my  duty  to  find  out.  And  no 
body  is  authority  but  Mr.  Welling.  And  I'm  going  to 
him  with  the  corpus  delicti." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "But  how  can  you?  Remember 
how  sensitive,  how  shrinking  he  is.  Don't,  Willis; 
you  mustn't.  It  will  kill  him !" 

Campbell:  "Well,  that  may  save  me  considera 
ble  bother.  If  he  will  simply  die  of  himself,  I  can't 
ask  anything  better."  He  goes  on  eating  his  break 
fast. 

Mrs.  Campbell,,  admiring  him  across  the  table :  "  Oh, 
Willis,  how  perfectly  delightful  you  are !" 

Campbell:  "  I  know ;  but  why  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Why,  taking  it  in  the  nice,  sensible 
way  you  do.  Now,  some  husbands  would  be  so  stupid ! 
Of  course  you  couldn't  think — you  couldn't  dream — 
that  the  letter  was  really  for  me;  and  yet  you  might 

behave  very  disagreeably,  and  make  me  very  unhappy, 

118 


A    LIKELY    STOKY 

if  you  were  not  just  the  lovely,  kind-hearted,  magnan 


imous — " 


Campbell,  looking  up  from  his  coffee :  "  Oh,  hello !" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Yes:  that  is  what  took  my  fancy 
in  you,  Willis:  that  generosity,  that  real  gentleness,  in 
spite  of  the  brusque  way  you  have.  Refinement  of  the 
heart,  I  call  it." 

Campbell:  "  Amy,  what  are  you  after?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "We've  been  married  a  whole  year 
now — " 

Campbell:  "Longer,  isn't  it?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  " — and  I  haven't  known  you  do  an 
unkind  thing,  a  brutal  thing." 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  understand  the  banging  around 
hardly  ever  begins  much  under  two  years." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "How  sweet  you  are!  And  you're 
so  funny  always !" 

Campbell:  "Come,  come,  Amy;  get  down  to  busi 
ness.  What  is  it  you  do  want  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "You  won't  go  and  tease  that  poor 
boy  about  his  letter,  will  you?  Just  hand  it  to  him, 
and  say  you  suppose  here  is  something  that  has  come 
into  your  possession  by  mistake,  and  that  you  wish  to 
restore  it  to  him,  and  then — just  run  off." 

Campbell:  "With  my  parasol  in  one  hand,  and  my 
skirts  caught  up  in  the  other  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Oh,  how  good!  Of  course  I  was 
imagining  how  I  should  do  it." 

Campbell:  "Well,  a  man  can't  do  it  that  way.  He 
would  look  silly."  He  rises  from  the  table,  and  comes 
and  puts  his  arm  round  her  shoulders.  "But  you 
needn't  be  afraid  of  my  being  rough  with  him.  Of 
course  it's  a  mistake ;  but  he's  a  fellow  who  will  enter 
into  the  joke,  too ;  he'll  enjoy  it ;  he'll — '  He  merges 
his  sentence  in  a  kiss  on  her  upturned  lips,  and  she 

119 


A    LIKELY    STOKY 

clings  to  his  hand  with  her  right,  pressing  it  fondly  to 
her  cheek.  "  I  shall  do  it  in  a  man's  way ;  but  I  guess 
you'll  approve  of  it  quite  as  much." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "I  know  I  shall.  That's  what  I 
like  about  you,  Willis :  your  being  so  helplessly  a  man 
always." 

Campbell:  "Well,  that's  what  attracted  me  to  you, 
Amy:  your  manliness." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "And  I  liked  your  finesse.  You 
are  awfully  inventive,  Willis.  Why,  Willis,  I've  just 
thought  of  something.  Oh,  it  would  be  so  good  if  you 
only  would !" 

Campbell:  "  Would  what ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Invent  something  now  to  get  us 
out  of  the  scrape." 

Campbell:  "What  a  brilliant  idea!  I'm  not  in  any 
scrape.  And  as  for  Mr.  Welling,  I  don't  see  how  you 
could  help  him  out  unless  you  sent  this  letter  to  Miss 
Rice,  and  ask  her  to  send  yours  back — " 

Mrs.  Campbell,  springing  to  her  feet :  "  Willis,  you 
are  inspired !  Oh,  how  perfectly  delightful !  And  it's 
so  delicate  of  you  to  think  of  that !  I  will  just  enclose 
his  note — give  it  here,  Willis — and  he  need  never  know 
that  it  ever  went  to  the  wrong  address.  Oh,  I  always 
felt  that  you  were  truly  refined,  anyway."  He  passive 
ly  yields  the  letter,  and  she  whirls  away  to  a  writing- 
desk  in  the  corner  of  the  room.  "  Now,  I'll  just  keep 
a  copy  of  the  letter — for  a  joke ;  I  think  I've  a  perfect 
right  to  " — scribbling  furiously  away — "  and  then  I'll 
match  the  paper  with  an  envelope — I  can  do  that  per 
fectly — and  then  I'll  just  imitate  his  hand — such  fun ! 
— and  send  it  flying  over  to  Margaret  Rice.  Oh,  how 
good!  Touch  the  bell,  Willis."  And  then,  as  the  ser 
ving-maid  appears :  "  Yes,  Jane  !  Run  right  across  the 
lawn  to  Mrs.  Rice's,  and  give  this  letter  for  Miss  Mar- 

120 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

garet,  and  say  it  was  left  here  by  mistake.  Well,  it 
was,  Willis.  Fly,  Jane!  Oh,  Willis  love!  Isn't  it 
perfect !  Of  course  she'll  have  got  his  formal  reply  to 
my  invitation,  and  be  all  mixed  up  by  it,  and  now  when 
this  note  comes  she'll  see  through  it  all  in  an  instant, 
and  it  will  be  such  a  relief  to  her ;  and  oh,  she'll  think 
that  he's  directed  both  the  letters  to  her  because  he 
couldn't  think  of  any  one  else !  Isn't  it  lovely  ?  Just 
like  anything  that's  nice,  it's  ten  times  as  nice  as  you 
expected  it  to  be;  and — ' 

Campbell:  "But  hold  on,  Amy!"  He  lifts  a  note 
from  the  desk.  "  You've  sent  your  copy.  Here's  the 
original  now.  She'll  think  you've  been  playing  some 
joke  on  her." 

Mrs.  Campbell.,  clutching  the  letter  from  him  and 
scanning  it  in  a  daze :  "  What !  Oh,  my  goodness !  It 
is!  I  have!  Oh,  I  shall  die!  Eun!  Call  her  back! 
Shriek,  Willis!"  They  rush  to  the  window  together. 
"  ~Noy  no !  It's  too  late !  She's  given  it  to  their  man, 
and  now  nothing  can  save  me !  Oh,  Willis !  Willis ! 
Willis!  This  is  all  your  fault,  with  that  fatal  sug 
gestion  of  yours.  Oh,  if  you  had  only  left  it  to  me  I 
never  should  have  got  into  such  a  scrape!  She  will 
think  now  that  I've  been  trying  to  hoax  her,  and  she's 
perfectly  implacable  at  the  least  hint  of  a  liberty,  and 
she'll  be  ready  to  kill  me.  I  don't  know  what  she  won't 
do.  Oh,  Willis,  how  could  you  get  me  into  this !" 

Campbell,  irately:  "  Get  you  into  this!  Now,  Amy, 
this  is  a  little  too  much.  You  got  yourself  into  it. 
You  urged  me  to  think  of  something — " 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Well,  do,  Willis— -do  think  of 
something,  or  I  shall  go  mad!  Help  me,  Willis! 
Don't  be  so  heartless — so  unfeeling." 

Campbell:  "  There's  only  one  thing  now,  and  that  is 
to  make  a  clean  breast  of  it  to  Welling  and  get  him  to 

121 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

help  us  out.  rA  word  from  him  can  make  everything 
right,  and  we  can't  take  a  step  without  him;  we  can't 
move !" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  I  can't  let  you.  Oh,  isn't  it  hor 
rible!" 

Campbell:  "Yes;  a  nice  thing  is  always  ten  times 
nicer  than  you  expected  it  to  be !" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Oh,  how  can  you  stand  there  mock 
ing  me  ?  Why  don't  you  go  to  him  at  once  and  tell  him 
the  whole  thing,  and  beg  him,  implore  him,  to  help  us  ?" 

Campbell:  "Why,  you  just  told  me  I  mustn't!" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "You  didn't  expect  me  to  say  you 
might,  did  you?  Oh,  how  cruel!"  She  whirls  out  of 
the  room,  and  Campbell  stands  in  a  daze,  in  which  he 
is  finally  aware  of  Mr.  Arthur  Welling,  seen  through 
the  open  window,  on  the  veranda  without.  Mr.  Well 
ing,  with  a  terrified  and  furtive  air,  seems  to  be  fixed 
to  the  spot  where  he  stands. 


II 

MR.  WELLING;  MR.  CAMPBELL 

Campbell:  "Why,  Welling,  what  the  devil  are  you 
doing  there  ?" 

Welling:  "  Trying  to  get  away." 

Campbell:  "To  get  away?  But  you  sha'n't,  man! 
I  won't  let  you.  I  was  just  going  to  see  you.  How 
long  have  you  been  there  ?" 

Welling:  "  I've  just  come." 

Campbell:  "  What  have  you  heard?" 

Welling:  "Nothing — nothing.  I  was  knocking  on 
the  window-casing  to  make  you  hear,  but  you  seemed 
preoccupied." 

Campbell:  "Preoccupied!  convulsed!  cataclysmed! 
Look  here:  we're  in  a  box,  Welling.  And  you've  got 
us  into  it."  He  pulls  Welling's  note  out  of  his  pocket, 
where  he  has  been  keeping  his  hand  on  it,  and  pokes  it 
at  him.  "  Is  that  yours  ?" 

Welling,  examining  it  with  bewilderment  mount 
ing  into  anger :  "  It's  mine ;  yes.  May  I  ask,  Mr. 
Campbell,  how  you  came  to  have  this  letter  ?" 

Campbell:  "  May  I  ask,  Mr.  Welling,  how  you  came 
to  write  such  a  letter  to  my  wife  ?" 

Welling:  "To  your  wife?  To  Mrs.  Campbell?  I 
never  wrote  any  such  letter  to  her." 

Campbell:  "  Then  you  addressed  it  to  her." 

Welling:  "Impossible!" 

Campbell:  "Impossible?     I  think  I  can  convince 
123 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

you,  much  as  I  regret  to  do  so."  He  makes  search 
about  Mrs.  Campbell's  letters  on  the  table  first,  and 
then  on  the  writing-desk.  "  We  have  the  envelope.  It 
came  among  a  lot  of  letters,  and  there's  no  mistake 
about  it."  He  continues  to  toss  the  letters  about  and 
then  desists.  "  But  no  matter ;  I  can't  find  it ;  Amy's 
probably  carried  it  off  with  her.  There's  no  mistake 
about  it.  I  was  going  to  have  some  fun  with  you  about 
it,  but  now  you  can  have  some  fun  with  me.  Whom 
did  you  send  Mrs.  Campbell's  letter  to  ?" 

Welling:  "Mrs.  Campbell's  letter?" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  pshaw!  your  acceptance  or  refusal, 
or  whatever  it  was,  of  her  garden  fandango.  You  got 
an  invitation?" 

Welling:  "  Of  course." 

Campbell:  "And  you  wrote  to  accept  it  or  decline 
it  at  the  same  time  that  you  wrote  this  letter  here  to 
some  one  else.  And  you  addressed  two  envelopes  be 
fore  you  put  the  notes  in  either.  And  then  you  put 
them  into  the  wrong  envelopes.  And  you  sent  this  note 
to  my  wife  and  the  other  note  to  the  other  person — ' 

Welling:  "  No,  I  didn't  do  anything  of  the  kind!" 
He  regards  Campbell  with  amazement,  and  some  ap 
parent  doubt  of  his  sanity. 

Campbell:  "Well,  then,  Mr.  Welling,  will  you  al 
low  me  to  ask  what  the  deuce  you  did  do  ?" 

Welling:  "I  never  wrote  to  Mrs.  Campbell  at  all. 
I  thought  I  would  just  drop  in  and  tell  her  why  I 
couldn't  come.  It  seemed  so  formal  to  write." 

Campbell:  "  Then  will  you  be  kind  enough  to  tell 
me  whom  you  did  write  to  ?" 

Welling:  "No,  Mr.  Campbell,  I  can't  do  that." 

Campbell:  "  You  write  such  a  letter  as  that  to  my 
wife,  and  then  won't  tell  me  whom  it's  to  ?" 

Welling:  "No!  And  you've  no  right  to  ask  me." 
124 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

Campbell:  "  I've  no  right  to  ask  you  ?" 

Wetting:  "  No.  When  I  tell  you  that  the  note  wasn't 
meant  for  Mrs.  Campbell,  that's  enough." 

Campbell:  "I'll  be  judge  of  that,  Mr.  Welling. 
You  say  that  you  were  not  writing  two  notes  at  the 
time,  and  that  you  didn't  get  the  envelopes  mixed. 
Then,  if  the  note  wasn't  meant  for  my  wife,  why  did 
you  address  it  to  her  ?" 

Welling:  "That's  what  I  can't  tell;  that's  what  I 
don't  know.  It's  as  great  a  mystery  to  me  as  it  is  to 
you.  I  can  only  conjecture  that  when  I  was  writing 
that  address  I  was  thinking  of  coming  to  explain  to 
Mrs.  Campbell  that  I  was  going  away  to-day,  and 
shouldn't  be  back  till  after  her  party.  It  was  too 
complicated  to  put  in  a  note  without  seeming  to  give 
my  regrets  too  much  importance.  And  I  suppose  that 
when  I  was  addressing  the  note  that  I  did  write  I  put 
Mrs.  Campbell's  name  on  because  I  had  her  so  much  in 
mind." 

Campbell,  with  irony:  "  Oh!" 


Ill 

MRS.  CAMPBELL;  ME.  WELLING;  ME.  CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Campbell,  appearing  through  the  portiere  that 
separates  the  breakfast-room  from  the  parlor  beyond: 
"  Yes !"  She  goes  up  and  gives  her  hand  to  Mr.  Well 
ing  with  friendly  frankness.  "  And  it  was  very  nice 
of  you  to  think  of  me  at  such  a  time,  when  you  ought 
to  have  been  thinking  of  some  one  else." 

Welling,  with  great  relief  and  effusion :  "  Oh,  thank 
you,  Mrs.  Campbell!  I  was  sure  you  would  under 
stand.  You  couldn't  have  imagined  me  capable  of  ad 
dressing  such  language  to  you ;  of  presuming — of— 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Of  course  not!  And  Willis  has 
quite  lost  his  head.  I  saw  in  an  instant  just  how  it 
was.  I'm  so  sorry  you  can't  come  to  my  party— 

Campbell:  "Amy,  have  you  been  eavesdropping?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  There  was  no  need  of  eavesdrop 
ping.  I  could  have  heard  you  out  at  Loon  Rock  Light, 
you  yelled  so.  But  as  soon  as  I  recognized  Mr.  Well- 
ing's  voice  I  came  to  the  top  of  the  stairs  and  listened. 
I  was  sure  you  would  do  something  foolish.  But  now 
I  think  we  had  better  make  a  clean  breast  of  it,  and 
tell  Mr.  Welling  just  what  we've  done.  We  knew,  of 
course,  the  letter  wasn't  for  me,  and  we  thought  we 
wouldn't  vex  you  about  it,  but  just  send  it  to  the  one 
it  was  meant  for.  We've  surprised  your  secret,  Mr. 
Welling,  though  we  didn't  intend  to;  but  if  you'll  ac 
cept  our  congratulations — under  the  rose,  of  course — 

126 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

we  won't  let  it  go  any  further.  It  does  seem  so  perfect 
ly  ideal,  and  I  feel  like  saying,  Bless  you,  my  children ! 
You've  been  in  and  out  here  so  much  this  summer,  and 
I  feel  just  like  an  elder  sister  to  Margaret." 

Welling:  "  Margaret  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Well,  Miss  Eice,  then—" 

Welling:  "Miss  Eice?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  dignity:  "  Oh,  I'm  sorry  if  we 
seem  to  presume  upon  our  acquaintance  with  the  mat 
ter.  We  couldn't  very  well  help  knowing  it  under  the 
circumstances." 

Welling:  "Certainly,  certainly — of  course:  I  don't 
mind  that  at  all :  I  was  going  to  tell  you,  anyway :  that 
was  partly  the  reason  why  I  came  instead  of  writing — 

Campbell,  in  an  audible  soliloquy :  "  I  supposed  he 
had  written." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  intensely:  "Don't  interrupt,  Willis! 
Well  ?" 

Welling:  "  But  I  don't  see  what  Miss  Eice  has  to 
do  with  it." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "You  don't  see!  Why,  isn't  Mar 
garet  Eice  the  one — " 

Welling:  "What  one?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  The  one  that  you're  engaged — the 
one  that  the  note  was  really  for  ?" 

Welling:  "No!  What  an  idea!  Miss  Eice?  Not 
for  an  instant!  It's — it's  her  friend — Miss  Greenway 
— who's  staying  with  her — " 

Mrs.  Campbell,  in  a  very  awful  voice :  "  Willis !  Get 
me  some  water — some  wine!  Help  me!  Ah!  Don't 
touch  me !  It  was  you,  you  who  did  it  all !  Oh,  now 
what  shall  I  do  ?"  She  drops  her  head  upon  Campbell's 
shoulder,  while  Welling  watches  them  in  stupefaction. 

Campbell:  "It's  about  a  million  times  nicer  than 
we  could  have  expected.  That's  the  way  with  a  nice 

127 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

thing  when  you  get  it  started.  Well,  young  man,  you're 
done  for ;  and  so  are  we,  for  that  matter.  We  supposed 
that  note  which  you  addressed  to  Mrs.  Campbell  was 
intended  for  Miss  Rice — " 

Welling:  "  Ho,  ho,  ho!  Ah,  ha,  ha!  Miss  Rice? 
Ha—" 

Campbell:  "  Fm  glad  you  like  it.  You'll  enjoy  the 
rest  of  it  still  better.  We  thought  it  was  for  Miss  Rice, 
and  my  wife  neatly  imitated  your  hand  on  an  envelope 
and  sent  it  over  to  her  just  before  you  came  in.  Funny, 
isn't  it  ?  Laugh  on !  Don't  mind  us  /" 

Welling,  aghast :  "  Thought  my  note  was  for  Miss 
Rice?  Sent  it  to  her?  Gracious  powers!"  They  all 
stand  for  a  moment  in  silence,  and  then  Welling  glances 
at  the  paper  in  his  hand.  "  But  there's  some  mistake. 
You  haven't  sent  my  note  to  Miss  Rice :  here  it  is  now !" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  that's  the  best  of  the  joke.  Mrs. 
Campbell  took  a  copy  " — Mrs.  Campbell  moans — "  she 
meant  to  have  some  fun  with  you  about  it,  and  it's  ten 
times  as  much  fun  as  7  expected ;  and  in  her  hurry  she 
sent  off  her  copy  and  kept  the  original.  Ferhaps  that 
makes  it  better." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  detaching  herself  from  him  and  con 
fronting  Mr.  Welling :  "  No ;  worse !  She'll  think  we've 
been  trying  to  hoax  her,  and  she'll  be  in  a  towering 
rage;  and  she'll  show  the  note  to  Miss  Greenway,  and 
you'll  be  ruined.  Oh,  poor  Mr.  Welling!  Oh,  what 
a  fatal,  fatal — mix !"  She  abandons  herself  in  an  atti 
tude  of  extreme  desperation  upon  a  chair,  while  the 
men  stare  at  her,  till  Campbell  breaks  the  spell  by 
starting  forward  and  ringing  the  bell  on  the  table. 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "What  are  you  doing,  Willis?" 

Campbell:  "Ringing  for  Jane."  As  Jane  appears: 
"  Did  you  give  Miss  Rice  the  note  ?" 

128 


IV 

JANE;  MES.  CAMPBELL;  WELLING;  CAMPBELL 

Jane :  "  No,  sir ;  I  gave  it  to  the  man.  He  said  he 
would  give  it  to  Miss  Rice." 

Campbell :  "  Then  it's  all  up.  If  by  any  chance  she 
hadn't  got  it,  Amy,  you  might  have  sent  over  for  it 
and  said  there  was  a  mistake." 

Jane :  "  He  said  Miss  Rice  was  out  driving  with 
Miss  Greenway  in  her  phaeton,  but  they  expected  her 
back  every  minute." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Oh,  my  goodness !  And  you  didn't 
come  to  tell  me  ?  Oh,  if  we  had  only  known !  We've 
lost  our  only  chance,  Willis." 

Jane :  "  I  did  come  and  knock  on  your  door,  ma'am, 
but  I  couldn't  make  you  hear." 

Campbell:  "There's  still  a  chance.  Perhaps  she 
hasn't  got  back  yet." 

Jane :  "  I  know  she  ain't,  sir.  I've  been  watching 
for  her  ever  since.  I  can  always  see  them  come,  from 
the  pantry  window." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Well,  then,  don't  stand  there  talk 
ing,  but  run  at  once !  Oh,  Willis !  Never  tell  me  again 
that  there's  no  such  thing  as  an  overruling  Providence. 
Oh,  what  an  interposition !  Oh,  I  can  never  be  grate 
ful  and  humble  enough —  Goodness  me,  Jane !  Why 
don't  you  go  ?" 

Jane:  "  But  where,  ma'am  ?  I  don't  know  what  you 
want  me  to  do.  I'm  willing  enough  to  do  anvthing  if 

9  129 


A    LIKELY    STOKY 

I  know  what  it  is,  but  it's  pretty  hard  to  do  things  if 
you  don't." 

Campbell:  "You're  perfectly  right,  Jane.  Mrs. 
Campbell  wants  you  to  telegraph  yourself  over  to 
Mrs.  Kice,  and  say  to  her  that  the  letter  you  left  for 
Miss  Rice  is  not  for  her,  but  another  lady,  and  Mrs. 
Campbell  sent  it  by  mistake.  Get  it  and  bring  it  back 
here,  dead  or  alive,  even  if  Mrs.  Rice  has  to  pass  over 
your  mangled  body  in  the  attempt." 

Jane,  tasting  the  joke,  while  Mrs.  Campbell  gasps 
in  ineffective  efforts  to  reinforce  her  husband's  in 
structions  :  "  I  will  that,  sir." 


V 
MES.  CAMPBELL;  WELLING;  CAMPBELL 

Campbell:  "And  now,  while  we're  waiting,  let's  all 
join  hands  and  dance  round  the  table.  You're  saved, 
Welling.  So  are  you,  Amy.  And  so  am  I — which  is 
more  to  the  point." 

Mrs.  Campbell,,  gayly :  "  Dansons !"  She  extends  her 
hands  to  the  gentlemen,  and  as  they  circle  round  the 
breakfast-table  she  sings : 

" '  Sur  le  pont  d' Avignon, 

Tout  le  monde  y  danse  en  rond/ 

She  frees  her  hands  and  courtesies  to  one  gentleman 
and  the  other. 

"'Les  belles  dames  font  comme  c,a; 
Les  beaux  messieurs  font  comme  ga.'" 

Then  she  catches  hands  with  them  again,  and  they  cir 
cle  round  the  table  as  before,  singing: 

" '  Sur  le  pont  d' Avignon, 

Tout  le  monde  y  danse  en  rond.' 

Oh  dear!  Stop!  I'm  dizzy— I  shall  fall."  She  spins 
into  a  chair,  while  the  men  continue  solemnly  circling 
by  themselves. 

Campbell:  "It  is  a  sacred  dance: 

"'Sur  le  pont  d' Avignon— '" 
131 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

/ 

Welling:  "It's  an  expiation: 

" {  Tout  le  monde  y  danse  en  rond.' " 

Mrs.  Campbell,  springing  from  her  chair  and  run 
ning  to  the  window :  "  Stop,  you  crazy  things !  Here 
conies  Jane !  Come  right  in  here,  Jane !  Did  you  get 
it  ?  Give  it  to  me,  Jane !" 

Welling:  "  I  think  it  belongs  to  me,  Mrs.  Campbell." 
Campbell:  "Jane,  I  am  master  of  the  house — nom 
inally.    Give  me  the  letter." 


VI 

JANE;  MRS.  CAMPBELL;  WELLING;  CAMPBELL 

Jane,  entering,  blown  and  panting,  through  the  open 
window :  "  Oh,  how  I  did  run — " 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Yes,  yes !    But  the  letter — " 

Welling:  "  Did  you  get  it?" 

Campbell:  "  Where  is  it?" 

Jane,  fanning  herself  with  her  apron :  "  I  can't  hard 
ly  get  my  breath — " 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Had  she  got  back?" 

Jane:  "No,  ma'am." 

Campbell:  "Did  Mrs.  Eice  object  to  giving  it  up?" 

Jane:  "No,  sir." 

Welling:  "  Then  it's  all  right?" 

Jane:  "No,  sir.    All  wrong." 

Welling:  "All  wrong?" 

Campbell:  "How  all  wrong?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "What's  all  wrong,  Jane?" 

Jane :  "  Please,  ma'am,  may  I  have  a  drink  of  water  ? 
I'm  so  dry  I  can't  speak." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Yes,  certainly." 

Campbell:  "  Of  course." 

Welling:  "Here."  They  all  pour  glasses  of  water 
and  press  them  to  her  lips. 

Jane,  pushing  the  glasses  away  and  escaping  from 
the  room :  "  They  thought  Mrs.  Campbell  was  in  a  great 
hurry  for  Miss  Eice  to  have  the  letter,  and  they  sent  off 
the  man  with  it  to  meet  her." 

133 


VII 

i 
MRS.  CAMPBELL;  WELLING;  CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Oh,  merciful  goodness!" 

Welling:  "  Gracious  powers !" 

Campbell:  "Another  overruling  Providence.  Now 
you  are  in  for  it,  my  boy !  So  is  Amy.  And  so  am  I 
—which  is  still  more  to  the  point." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Well,  now,  what  shall  we  do?" 

Campbell:  "  All  that  we  can  do  now  is  to  await  de 
velopments:  they'll  come  fast  enough.  Miss  Rice  will 
open  her  letter  as  soon  as  she  gets  it,  and  she  won't 
understand  it  in  the  least;  how  could  she  understand  a 
letter  in  your  handwriting,  with  Welling's  name  signed 
to  it  ?  She'll  show  it  to  Miss  Greenway — " 

Welling:  "  Oh,  don't  say  that!" 

Campbell:  "  — Greenway;  and  Miss  Greenway  won't 
know  what  to  make  of  it,  either.  But  she's  the  kind 
of  girl  who'll  form  some  lively  conjectures  when  she 
reads  that  letter.  In  the  first  place,  she'll  wonder  how 
Mr.  Welling  happens  to  be  writing  to  Miss  Rice  in  that 
affectionate  strain — " 

Mrs.  Campbell,  in  appealing  shriek :  "  Willis !" 

Campbell:  " — and  she  naturally  won't  believe  he's 
done  it.  But,  then,  when  Miss  Rice  tells  her  it's  your 
handwriting,  Amy,  she'll  think  that  you  and  Miss  Rice 
have  been  having  your  jokes  about  Mr.  Welling;  and 
she'll  wonder  what  kind  of  person  you  are,  anyway,  to 

make  free  with  a  young  man's  name  that  way." 

134 


A    LIKELY    STOKY 

Welling:  "Oh,  I  assure  you  that  she  admires  Mrs. 
Campbell  more  than  anybody." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Don't  try  to  stop  him;  he's  fiend 
ish  when  he  begins  teasing." 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  well!  If  she  admires  Mrs.  Camp 
bell  and  confides  in  you,  then  the  whole  affair  is  very 
simple.  All  you've  got  to  do  is  to  tell  her  that  after 
you'd  written  her  the  original  of  that  note,  your  mind 
was  so  full  of  Mrs.  Campbell  and  her  garden-party  that 
you  naturally  addressed  it  to  her.  And  then  Mrs. 
Campbell  can  cut  in  and  say  that  when  she  got  the  note 
she  knew  it  wasn't  for  her,  but  she  never  dreamed  of 
your  caring  for  Miss  Greenway,  and  was  so  sure  it  was 
for  Miss  Rice  that  she  sent  her  a  copy  of  it.  That  will 
make  it  all  right  and  perfectly  agreeable  to  every  one 
concerned." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "And  I  can  say  that  I  sent  it  at 
your  suggestion,  and  then,  instead  of  trying  to  help 
me  out  of  the  awful,  awful  —  box,  you  took  a  cruel 
pleasure  in  teasing  me  about  it!  But  I  shall  not  say 
anything,  for  I  shall  not  see  them.  I  will  leave  you 
to  receive  them  and  make  the  best  of  it.  Don't  try 
to  stop  me,  Willis!"  She  threatens  him  with  her  fan 
as  he  steps  forward  to  intercept  her  escape. 

Campbell:  "  ISTo,  no !  Listen,  Amy !  You  must  stay 
and  see  those  ladies.  It's  all  well  enough  to  leave  it  to 
me,  but  what  about  poor  Welling  ?  He  hasn't  done  any 
thing — except  cause  the  whole  trouble." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  I  am  very  sorry,  but  I  can't  help 
it.  I  must  go."  Campbell  continues  to  prevent  her 
flight,  and  she  suddenly  whirls  about  and  makes  a  dash 
at  the  open  window.  "  Oh,  very  well,  then !  I  can  get 
out  this  way."  At  the  same  moment  Miss  Rice  and 
Miss  Greenway  appear  before  the  window  on  the  piazza. 
"  Ugh !  E-e-e !  How  you  frightened  me !  But — but  come 

135 


A    LIKELY    STOEY 

in.  So  gl — glad  to  see  you !  And  you  —  you,  too, 
Miss  Green  way.  Here's  Mr.  Welling.  He's  been  deso 
lating  us  with  a  story  about  having  to  be  away  over  my 
party,  and  just  getting  back  for  Mrs.  Curwen's.  Isn't 
it  too  bad  ?  Can't  some  of  you  young  ladies — or  all  of 
you — make  him  stay?"  As  Mrs.  Campbell  talks  on, 
she  readjusts  her  spirit  more  and  more  to  the  exigency, 
and  subdues  her  agitation  to  a  surface  of  the  sweetest 
politeness. 


VIII 
MISS  RICE,  MISS  GREENWAY,  AND  THE  OTHERS 

Miss  Rice,  entering  with  an  unopened  letter  in  her 
hand,  which  she  extends  to  Mrs.  Campbell:  "What  in 
the  world  does  it  all  mean,  Mrs.  Campbell,  your  send 
ing  your  letters  flying  after  me  at  this  rate  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  a  gasp :  "  My  letters  2"  She  me 
chanically  receives  the  extended  note  and  glances  at  the 
superscription:  "Mrs.  Willis  Campbell.  Ah!"  She 
hands  it  quickly  to  her  husband,  who  reads  the  address 
with  a  similar  cry. 

Campbell:  "Well,  well,  Amy!  This  is  a  pretty  good 
joke  on  you.  You've  sealed  up  one  of  your  own  notes 
and  sent  it  to  Miss  Rice.  Capital !  Ah,  ha,  ha  I" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  hysterical  rapture :  "  Oh,  how 
delicious !  What  a  ridiculous  blunder !  I  don't  won 
der  you  were  puzzled,  Margaret." 

Welling:  "What!  Sent  her  your  own  letter,  ad 
dressed  to  yourself  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Yes.     Isn't  it  amusing?" 

Welling:  "  The  best  thing  I  ever  heard  of." 

Miss  Rice:  "Yes.  And  if  you  only  knew  what 
agonies  of  curiosity  Miss  Greenway  and  I  had  suf 
fered,  wanting  to  open  it  and  read  it,  anyway,  in  spite 
of  all  the  decencies,  I  think  you  ought  to  read  it  to  us." 

Campbell:  "  Or  at  least  give  Miss  Eice  her  own  let 
ter.  What  in  the  world  did  you  do  with  that  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Put  it  in  my  desk,  where  I  thought 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

I  put  mine.  But  never  mind  it  now.  I  can  tell  you 
what  was  in  it  just  as  well.  Come  in  here  a  moment, 
Margaret."  She  leads  the  way  to  the  parlor,  whither 
Miss  Rice  follows. 

Miss  Greenway,  pouting :  "  Oh,  mayn't  I  know,  too  ? 
I  think  that's  hardly  fair,  Mrs.  Campbell." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "No;  or — Margaret  may  tell  you 
afterward;  or  Mr.  Welling  may,  now!" 

Miss  Greenway:  "How  very  formidable!" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  over  her  shoulder,  on  going  out: 
"  Willis,  bring  me  the  refusals  and  acceptances,  won't 
you  ?  They're  up-stairs." 

Campbell:  "Delighted  to  be  of  any  service."  Be 
hind  Miss  Greenway's  back  he  dramatizes  over  her 
head  to  Welling  his  sense  of  his  own  escape  and  his 
compassion  for  the  fellow-man  whom  he  leaves  in  the 
toils  of  fate. 


IX 

MISS  GREENWAY;  MR.  WELLING 

Welling:  "Nelly!"  He  approaches,  and  timidly 
takes  her  hand. 

Miss  Greenway:  "Arthur!  That  letter  was  ad 
dressed  in  your  handwriting.  Will  you  please  ex 
plain  ?" 

Welling:  "  Why,  it's  very  simple— that  is,  it's  the 
most  difficult  thing  in  the  world.  Nelly,  can  you  be 
lieve  anything  I  say  to  you  ?" 

Miss  Greenway:  "  What  nonsense!  Of  course  I  can 
— if  you're  not  too  long  about  it," 

Welling:  "  Well,  then,  the  letter  in  that  envelope  was 
one  I  wrote  to  Mrs.  Campbell — or  the  copy  of  one." 

Miss  Greenway:  "The  copy?" 

Welling:  "But  let  me  explain.  You  see,  when  I 
got  your  note  asking  me  to  be  sure  and  come  to  Mrs. 
Curwen'~  " 


Miss  Greemvay:  "Yes?" 

Welling:  " — I  had  just  received  an  invitation  from 
Mrs.  Campbell  for  her  garden-party,  and  I  sat  down 
and  wrote  to  you,  and  concluded  I'd  step  over  and  tell 
her  why  I  couldn't  come,  and  with  that  in  my  mind  I 
addressed  your  letter  —  the  one  I'd  written  you  —  to 
her." 

Miss  Greenway:  "With  my  name  inside?" 

Welling:  "No;  I  merely  called  you  '  darling';  and 
when  Mrs.  Campbell  opened  it  she  saw  it  couldn't  be 

139 


A    LIKELY    STORY 

for  her,  and  she  took  it  into  her  head  it  must  be  for 
Miss  Rice." 

Miss  Greenway :  "  For  Margaret  ?  What  an  idea ! 
But  why  did  she  put  your  envelope  on  it  ?" 

Welling:  "  She  made  a  copy,  for  the  joke  of  it,  and 
then,  in  her  hurry,  she  enclosed  that  in  my  envelope, 
and  kept  the  original  and  the  envelope  she'd  addressed 
to  Miss  Rice,  and — and  that's  all." 

Miss  Greenway:  "  What  a  perfectly  delightful  mud 
dle  !  And  how  shall  we  get  out  of  it  with  Margaret  ?" 

Welling:  "With  Margaret?  I  don't  care  for  her. 
It's  you  that  I  want  to  get  out  of  it  with.  And  you 
do  believe  me — you  do  forgive  me,  Nelly?" 

Miss  Greenway:  "  For  what?" 

Welling:  "  For — for —  I  don't  know  what  for.  But 
I  thought  you'd  be  so  vexed." 

Miss  Greenway :  "  I  shouldn't  have  liked  you  to  send 
a  letter  addressed  (  darling '  to  Mrs.  Curwen ;  but  Mrs. 
Campbell  is  different." 

Welling:  "Oh,  how  archangelically  sensible!  How 
divine  of  you  to  take  it  in  just  the  right  way!" 

Miss  Greenway:  "Why,  of  course!  How  stupid  I 
should  be  to  take  such  a  thing  in  the  wrong  way!" 

Welling:  "And  I'm  so  glad,  now,  I  didn't  try  to  lie 
to  you  about  it." 

Miss  Greenway:  "  It  wouldn't  have  been  of  any  use. 
You  couldn't  have  carried  off  anything  of  that  sort. 
The  truth  is  bad  enough  for  you  to  carry  off.  Promise 
me  that  you  will  always  leave  the  other  thing  to  me." 

Welling:  "I  will,  darling;  I  will,  indeed." 

Miss  Greenway:  "And  now  we  must  tell  Margaret, 
of  course." 


MISS  RICE;  THEN  ME.  AND  MRS.  CAMPBELL,  AND 
THE  OTHERS 

Miss  Rice,  rushing  in  upon  them  and  clasping  Miss 
Greenway  in  a  fond  embrace :  "  You  needn't.  Mrs. 
Campbell  has  told  me;  and  oh,  Nelly,  I'm  so  happy 
for  you!  And  isn't  it  all  the  greatest  mix?" 

Campbell,,  rushing  in  and  wringing  Welling's  hand: 
"  You  needn't  tell  me,  either ;  I've  been  listening,  and 
I've  heard  every  word.  I  congratulate  you,  my  dear 
boy!  I'd  no  idea  she'd  let  you  up  so  easily.  You'll 
allow  yourself  it  isn't  a  very  likely  story." 

Welling:  "  I  know  it.    But—" 

Miss  Rice :  "  That's  the  very  reason  no  one  could 
have  made  it  up." 

Miss  Greenway:  "  He  couldn't  have  made  up  even 
a  likely  story." 

Campbell:  "Congratulate  you  again,  Welling.  Do 
you  suppose  she  can  keep  so  always  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  rushing  in  with  extended  hands: 
"  Don't  answer  the  wretch,  Mr.  Welling.  Of  course 
she  can,  with  you.  Dansons!"  She  gives  a  hand  to 
Miss  Greenway  and  Welling  each ;  the  others  join  them, 
and  as  they  circle  round  the  table  she  sings : 

" t  Sur  le  pont  d' Avignon, 

Tout  le  monde  y  danse  en  rond.'" 


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